Your Story is Being Told, Lives are Being Changed.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Just because your not here doesn't mean that you get away with being the "little sister".

The other day I went into Elo's room and she showed me a toy figurine that had broke.  I asked her, "What happened?"

"Haddie Bo Bo climbed up the stairs, and over my gate, and chewed it off."  She said.

I laughed and I thought, "You're not even here and you still get blamed."

She has been blaming you for more and more things around the house.  Right now I can't seem to think of the other things.

Yesterday we went to the gym for a playdate with Everett and Crew.  On our ride home Elo was whining and said, "I miss my Haddie Bo Bo."  3 year olds grieve too.  Maybe she doesn't understand everything that is going on but she knows your not here and she misses you.

Your story has changed lives, Haddie, and I am so proud.  Over the passed couple weeks I have had two people reach out to me.  One person I have known for awhile, but haven't seen in years.  She is a stay-at-home Mama of two boys.  She shared with me the following:

"I'm not afraid to speak Haddie's name and show you even just one more small purpose fulfilled with her life.

I want you to know that my second baby is now ten months old. And I think about you and Haddie almost daily as I spend time with him at this age. When I'm tempted to busy myself with other things, when I'm exhausted because he woke me up three times last night, when I wish he would just play by himself while I finish the dishes (but instead hangs on my leg) I think of Haddie. I think of how she didn't get to live this long. I think of how any one of these days was like your last day with her. I think of how you ache for her and I drop what I'm doing and I play with him. I put my phone down, stop trying to tidy the house, stop getting annoyed with the small things and I just hold him tight. Haddie reminds me not to take any one of these precious days for granted. And I'm thankful to her and I'm thankful to you for that."

Her words are truly a gift...and I am sure she doesn't realize how much they mean to me.  Although I feel that your death itself was meaningless this brings meaning to it.  You have changed a life.

Another person who contacted me is someone I have never met.  She has followed your story from the very beginning and has been a faithful supporter of our family.  She lives far away and yet I have felt very supported by her.  She took the time to write me a handwritten letter that was 3 pages long.  That alone says so much.  She boldly writes that, "Haddie has changed her life and how she parents her children".

She came across my letters to you on Instagram and started reading, she shared the following with me:

"I read one, then another, and another, until I was sobbing uncontrollably on my couch with my dog looking at me like I was crazy.  My two daughters lay in their beds sleeping.  Yours was not.  I have not ever forgotten that.  Every night I put them to bed.  Every morning they wake up. Everyday they come home alive I think of you and Haddie.  You have deepened my sense of appreciation for their lives in a way I cannot describe.  The second I read your blog I ran up to her room and took every stinking unnecessary blanket and toy our of her bed so there was nothing but her sheet and her left in there.  You have changed our life."  

This reminds me that your life was a gift, and God continues to use your story.  He uses your story whether I am ready to accept it or not.  At 9 months old you have changed lives, and saved lives.  Going through this tragedy has definitely made me questions every single thing I have ever believed.  I have said awful things to God, and I have thought horrific things in my head.  But I know He has not abandoned me.  Even though I am not ready to say phrases like "God has a plan" or "God is using Haddie's death for good" etc.  It is happening.  God doesn't need me to to do these things.  I don't know if I will ever say those things, because it hurts to much, and that's ok.  Some days I am able to cling to my faith and other days I feel like I completely reject it.  But I think that's all part of grief and living here without you.

No one understands what we go through unless they have lost a child too.

There are people who don't understand, but can put themselves in our shoes and really try their best to support us in any way possible.  The two ladies mentioned in this blog fall into this category and I love them for that.  We do have many people in our lives that have been walking every step of this journey with us and grateful doesn't even describe our feelings.

There are also people out there that are just not safe. They don't get it, they don't try to get it, and your grief makes them uncomfortable.  So they ignore it, sometimes they ignore you, they don't ask about it, they don't speak your name, they don't think of you.  They try to give advice on something they can't or shouldn't and it is mostly offensive.  I try to tell myself that they don't get it and I let it go (I try).  You would be surprised that the people you think would get it...don't, and the people you wouldn't expect to "get it" do.

So I am going to spell it out for people that "don't get it".  Our pain is permanent.  You are still part of our family.  I always want to hear your name, yes I might cry, that's ok.  I want to see your name written on cards and not left out.  There are many ways to include you on special days like holidays.  Not mentioning you during those times or pretending like this didn't happen to our family is like a knife in our backs.  Phrases like, "At least you still have Elo" are never appropriate.   When in doubt about what to do ask us.  If we know that you are truly trying and your intentions are good we appreciate it NO MATTER WHAT.  We know this is hard for people and some don't know what to do or how to act.  I don't expect perfection maybe just grace, I don't expect people to understand how I feel, or why I do certain things, and can't do others.  I just expect them to accept what we need.  Every day is different and some days are great and we function normally and other days are not great and we barely function.  There is no warning, or foresight into when this happens, it just does.

So to sum it up...we appreciate any and all support.  We understand that everyone doesn't get it, and as long as intentions are good we are thankful.

We are thankful for all the support and the people that walk this journey with us.

I love you baby!  I am telling your story tomorrow on the news WZZM.  I will also tell your story on WGRD at 9:50 ish.

Missing you always,

Mama

Letters to Haddie has moved!!!

Thank you so much for all of your support!  We now have an official website www.haddiescalling.com where my letters to Haddie will be posted on the homepage.  Some parts of the website are still under construction.  Please check us out there!

Naked Guys and Valentines.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I did some traveling for work.  Things started off well but then I had a strange experience and then everything took a turn for the worst!

I'll first tell you about the weird experience.  I don't love sleeping by myself so when I was abruptly awoken at 3:30 AM to a loud banging at my door, I didn't love it.  I slowly walked to the door and cautiously looked out my peek hole.  The banging continued and I see a man completely naked outside my door.  At this point he started knocking on the door next to mine.  After he knocked he would walk down the hall and hide in the vending machine area.  Another 10 minutes or so goes by of this routine so I decide to call security.  Security comes up with in a minute or so.  I can hear the man telling the guy that his wife is inside and must have fallen asleep or something.  But I still don't know why he left his room naked???  Why would you ever leave your room naked?

On Wednesday I started my journey home and I was pleasantly surprised that my flights were all on time.  I was on my last flight for the day, relaxing, and reading my book.  The captain came in the intercom and says that the plane is having a mechanical issue and they will be making an emergency landing.  So for the last few months or so I have been binge watching the show "Air Disasters".  So at this point every single episode is running through my mind.  I just wanted to be on the ground.  I sweated through my clothes!!!  The poor man next to me had to listen to me tell all these stories and essentially freak out until we landed.  Turns out that the mechanical issue was easily fixed and we were on our way again.

I landed in Grand Rapids and your Daddy picked me up, but our joyful reunion was short lived.  I checked my voicemail and I received a call saying that my rental car was returned with $900 worth of damage.  WHAT?!?!  I know I didn't hit anything.  It must have happened in the parking lot the night before.  So frustrating and nothing I can do about it except submit the claim to my insurance company.

So all in all the trip didn't go as planned for me personally.

Yesterday I took Eloise to gymnastics class and your best buddy Crew was there.  I picked him up to give him a squeeze and realized quickly that he was tired.  I held him close and rocked him and to my surprise he fell asleep in my arms.  I held him for about an hour as he slept.  Today my arms are sore.  I am not use to holding an 18 month old....you've been gone so long.  I couldn't help but tear up looking at his sweet face as I held him.  Oh I miss this moments with you.  Why...did this happen?  I should be holding you and rocking you to sleep.  It seems so foreign so long ago.

Eloise had her valentine party Thursday afternoon and she had so much fun!  Your Daddy and I were both able to be there and watch her with her friends.  As I looked around the room I felt your absence.  Eloise was probably one of the only kids without a sibling.  She would have loved to have you there to show you off to her friends.  She probably would have quickly got mad when you would try to eat her candy.  But hey that's what little sisters are for.

As always this life plunges forward and I plunge with it.  That's exactly how it feels.  I feel like I am plunging through this life and it is messy and hard.

Valentine's Day was hard.  I shed many tears for you.  I couldn't get last year's V-day out of my mind.  You and your sister surprised me with a visit at work.  We had cookies and pink lemonade.  That night we gave you and your sisters your gifts.  Daddy bought you a giraffe and elephant beanie baby.  You immediately started chewing on the elephant.  We have now put this elephant on the shelf next to you.

Eloise was learning to say your whole name...she was getting pretty good at it.  

This year I took Eloise to the store and got her a V-day donut and let her pick out a balloon and some candy.  When she took a nap, I laid down too, and missed you.  We sure did miss celebrating with you yesterday a piece of my heart was missing and it hurt.  

I hope you had the sweetest v-day in heaven.  Can't wait to hold you again.  Jesus come soon.  

Love you,

Mama 

  

We missed the dance.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Sometimes your face haunts me.  I stare at your face in pictures and see in your eyes how much I failed you.  You needed me for everything.  You trusted me.  I was supposed to keep you safe.  So much life in your eyes.  I look at this picture and it reminds me of an old vintage black and white picture.  You know the pictures that are plain and the people tend to have a blank stare. The picture itself doesn't tell you much, but you know there is so much more behind that empty stare.  I see that in your eyes; the innocence, the trust, the happiness.

The other day at church there was a sign saying that the father/daughter dance was full and they weren't selling anymore tickets.  I was disappointed that we missed the sign up.  Elo had so much fun last year.  But at the same time I don't know if I am up for it, even though I am not the one going.  Elo deserves to go and have fun with her daddy.  I mentioned it to your daddy that we had missed the sign up.  He said, "I know, but all I could about was that I won't be able to take Hads to a father/daughter dance."  My heart broke.  It broke for you.  It broke for your daddy.  It broke for Eloise.  It broke for me.  This situation.  The things we will never get to do with you and the ache that goes with that.  We will be reminded the rest of our lives of what we are missing with you.  Every time Elo does something new or cute I wonder and try to imagine what you would be doing.  I wonder how you would be on your first day of preschool.  What your funny stories would sound like.  I wonder what "Mama" would sound like coming out of your little mouth.

I haven't been able to get this picture out of my head lately...I wake up at night seeing this picture in my head.

I just can't believe I had to do this moment.  I had to follow my daughter's casket, that held her body.  I remember that I couldn't look out into the crowd of people that had come to support us.  I couldn't look into their eyes.   I just don't understand how one day I dropped you off eyes beaming, big toothy grin, and full of life. 

 Then the next time I see you...you were lifeless.  Your body has been cut open.  Your head has been sewed back together.  Your skin was cold and your eyes were glued shut.  Your beautiful blue eyes...shut forever. 

  This pic was taken a year ago right before Elo had her date with Daddy at the Daddy daughter dance.  

We will just have to have our own dance party at home.  We will forever miss you!  

Love,

Mama

Disclaimer:  I realize that these letters to you are mostly sad.  I write them when I grieve you the most.  I used to write them everyday because I needed too.  Now they aren't as frequent, that doesn't mean I don't think of you almost every moment of everyday.  It does not mean that we are not moving forward with our lives.  It does not mean that we don't do fun family activities, we do.  With every happy moment there is sadness too.  This is our lives now and it doesn't mean we are "stuck" in our grief or need to "move on".  We are not the same people.  There will not be a time that I am "back to the old Sandy".  But as a good friend told me we are just a different version of ourselves.  

"No, she not dead." She said with a little giggle.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I was upstairs putting laundry away, shocking I know.  Eloise was in her room playing with her train set.  It got very quiet, so I went to look for Elo.  I checked her room she wasn't there.  Then I saw her in your room.  She had gotten out all the poster boards with your pictures, we made for your funeral.  She had set them up around your room all by herself.  I watched her for a moment.  She was talking to you.  Pointing at certain pictures.  "I miss you Haddie Bo Bo."  I walked in and she noticed me.  I asked her what her favorite picture of you was and she point to one of her hold you pretty much by the neck.

"Haddie so happy!"

I asked her, "You miss Haddie?"  

"Yea I miss her." She replied.

"Where is she?" She asked

"Baby, Haddie died and she's in heaven, remember?"

"No, she not dead." She said with a little giggle.

"I'm sorry baby but Haddie died and she is with Jesus."

She walked up to your picture, "Yea she in heaven with Emme (Mimi's cat).  

Then she shocked me and sat down in the chair in your room and said, "Sit down, I want to talk about it." 

She told me s story about you crawling on the ground, and she was running and tripped over your leg, and fell and hit her head.  I don't know if this is a true story but she told it so well.  I then read her the book I made that's from you.  Of course I cried.  This is one of the few books that she actually will sit through till the end.  I told her what a great big sister she is and how much you love her.  I told her that even though you aren't here that she is still your sister and that will never change.  We spent about 40 minutes in your room talking about you. All led by Eloise it was special.

These are some selfies we took in your room

She saw a picture of the two of you laying on your play mat.  This is one of my favorite pictures of you guys together.  She then went over to the play mat that is in your room and laid underneath it and starting kicking and playing with the toys.

It absolutely breaks my heart into a million pieces to watch her grieve and process what has happened.  Why does she have to talk to you in a picture?!?!?  She is 3 she shouldn't have to deal with any of this!  It makes me so angry. You made her a big sister and she is great at it.  At bed time the last few nights the books she picks out are "sister" books.  Her favorites are "Big sister, Little sister" and "Sisters Forever."  She always points out which one is you and which one is her.  After you died this year our fish died, and then Mimi's cat died.  We tell Elo that they are in Heaven with you.  She will talk about her fish being in Heaven and Mimi's Cat.  She knows all too well about death at the age of 3.

Today is 8 months without you and it is unreal that we survived.  8 months ago I couldn't image being here.  It hurts just as bad as it did that day...I think it always will.  I am okay with that pain.  I love you so much.  We pray with Elo every night, "Keep our Haddie Bo Bo safe, and give her hugs and kisses on her forehead."  Then Elo gives Mama and Daddy kisses on our foreheads.

Love you,

Mama  

If I knew you would only be with us for 9 months...

Haddie Bo Bo,

If I knew you'd only be with us for 9 months I would have done so many things different.  I would have picked you up every time you cried.  I would have never stopped nursing you because I felt stressed out working full time.  I would have taken pictures of every moment of every day and never deleted any no matter how "not perfect" they were.  I would have constantly been video taping you so I could watch them over and over forever.  I would have quit my job to hold you all day.   I would have committed every smile, look, cry to memory.  I wouldn't have let you "cry it out" ever.  I would have rocked you to sleep every night and before every nap.  I would have never left you to go on a cruise.  I would have never left you with a baby sitter.  I would have never washed your clothes so I could still smell you on them. I would have stayed that extra day in the hospital just to have that special alone time with you.  I would have read that last book to you and Eloise even though I was tired.  I would have let you stay in your pack-n-play in my room a little longer before moving you too your room.  I would have let go of all the things you shouldn't do as a mom for fear of starting "bad habits". I would have slowed down, and spent more time at home.  Forget the "on the go" lifestyle.  Enjoy more time on our living room floor.  

I would have taken you out of your car seat and hugged and kissed you goodbye that last morning.  I would have held you as I fed you your last bottle that morning.  I would have listened to my gut and picked you up early that day.  So we wouldn't be living this nightmare.

I wonder how this will change me as a mother.  Will I mother my children everyday as if it could be their last?

Always thinking about you and missing you.  Every breath I take reminds me that your not here.

Love, 

Mama

How normal the not normal is.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I love you!

Recently I have been on the receiving end of many's generosity and kindness.

It was a later in the evening and Daddy, Elo, and I decided to take a quick Target run.  It had just been a long day at home so I still had the same pony tail hair from yesterday.  I was wearing a hoodie from 2003, and my sweatpants were not so stylishly some-what tucked into my rain boots.  Your Daddy had the same look going on minus the ponytail hair.  We only went for 1 or 2 things but Target trips always turn into something else.  We were staring at the wall of juices when we were startled by a lady whisking by us saying, "Hi Bromley Family".  I barely got out a Hello because I was so stunned.  We finished our shopping and headed to the check out.  I was startled again when someone I didn't know said, "Are you Sandy?"  She handed me a gift card that was left for us at the front.  Immediately I started to cry.  For many reasons.  I was shocked and taken by surprise.  I was also blown away at the kindness this lady showed my family.  To know that we were thought of and loved blows me away.  In this gift I also know that you were honored, remembered, and loved.  Which was the main reason for my tears.

I have had a couple moments this last week where I have found myself doing a normal activity only to stop and think of how different this moment would be if you were here.  One of them being working out in my living room.  I was on the floor doing an exercise and I realized how easy it was.  It was easy because my 17 month old wasn't here to climb all over me.  I could finish my work out with out stopping to get you snack, or pick you up if you were crying, or separate you from disagreement with your sister.  Such a little thing really, a 30 minute workout.  But yet your absence was loud in my head.

Tuesday I dropped Eloise off at school and headed to a friend's house.  I hadn't seen her in awhile and it was nice to catch up.  Your Daddy called me while I was there and I told him a story that happened that morning.  Eloise was at the kitchen table eating her yogurt.  Out of no where she said, "Haddie Bo Bo is gone and it's all my fault."  It took my breath away that she would say this.  I said, "Elo it is not your fault Haddie isn't here.  Please don't ever think that.  Mama and Daddy love you so much."  She went on to say, "I miss her, She's in Heaven, and it's my fault."  Now granted Elo has been using the phrase, "It's all my fault" with a lot of things these days and most of the time when she says it, it doesn't make sense.  So I am hoping she really doesn't think it's her fault that you aren't here.  I hung up the phone with Daddy.  My friend said, "I can't believe that conversation you just had."  She went on to explain that the content of the story was so incredibly sad, but the way we talked about it was completely normal.  It was shocking to her that this is our normal conversation in life.  I could tell that she was sad for me and maybe had teared up listening to that conversation.

It did make me think about our "normal" conversations on a day to day and realize how not normal they would be for anyone else.  I told your Daddy about it and he said, "Well after you have to live through a funeral for your child, nothing really compares to that."  

I know you are happy in heaven, but I still and always will selfishly want you here.  You belong here.  That should be our normal.

Elo at Music Class

You know we love our selfies...miss you of course!

Love you,

Mama