I only miss you when I'm breathing

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday we woke up and made our way down stairs.  We fiddled around doing little stuff around the house.  I can't remember if it was breakfast or lunch but we were sitting at the table quiet.  I look up and see your daddy with tears rolling down his cheeks.  This does not happen often usually I am the one that cries.  I got off my chair walked over to your Daddy and we held each other as we cried.
Sometimes it's to much Haddie.  The pain is too great and we just can't function.  It was a nice morning missing you.  Is it weird to say it was a nice moment to spend together? I guess it's nice because we are so rarely on the same page when it comes to our grief.

I feel like every day we are hearing a story about devastation or tragedy and it hits us on a new level. We have both talked about how more sensitive we are too the tragedy that happens around us.  The amount of these events probably haven't changed we probably just have a new view of it since we know how it feels when it happens.  It's personal now.  Life is so crazy.  "Live every day like it's your last" really has new meaning.  6/2/15 was a normal day and I think about how fast my life has changed.  A 24 second phone call turned my world upside down permanently.

I was talking to your Daddy about how fun our cruise was that we went on a couple weeks before you passed.  We were so happy and I find myself wanting to escape and go on a cruise again to get that same feeling.  But that feeling doesn't exist anymore.  I remember having the best time and thinking about my girls at home.  I missed you guys so and I loved seeing the pictures that Aunt Emily, Grandma, and Mimi would send us.  I was so happy because I got to come home and see you.  You and your sister were waiting for us to come home.  We talked in the car today about going on another cruise and how it would be different.  He said, "Nothing is quite right anymore.  I miss life without this pit in my stomach."  When we got home from that cruise we had that birthday party for your Daddy and it was perfect.  Looking back life really was a fairy tale.

I had a fairy tale life.  Missing you baby girl.

Love,

Mama

You are calling me by name.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday I attended a retreat called "Carried" for mothers who have all lost a child.  I was nervous to go not knowing what to expect.  I walked in to a room of around 25-30 mothers.  Mothers who have walked the same journey that I am walking.  Some have walked this road for years and years.  Mother's who have felt all of the same feelings I have felt.  The first thing we had to do was put a picture of our child on a board.  This board had all of the children we had lost and their names.  This was the hardest part of the whole day for me.  I put your picture on the board with your name below it, "Hadley Sue Bromley".  I stood back and looked at your picture as it hung beside the others.  Tears started to fall, "Why is your picture up there?"   I was screaming in my head, "Why my baby?"  I can't even explain the feeling of seeing you up there.  My sweet baby.  Something felt so wrong to have your picture up there.  Like I was hurting you somehow.  I went to the bathroom and cried in the stall questioning, "Should I be here?" This is the picture I put up:

Overall the day was very good.  We listened to many stories of loss and redemption.  I am glad I went and connected with these ladies.  Everyone looked so normal you couldn't tell that they had lost a child.  Sometimes in groups I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.  A speaker said it's normal to not feel like you fit in, to have a hard time speaking, and interacting.  I am a changed person, I am not the same, I will never be the same.  But those things will get better with time and come back.   One thing I was not prepared to do what to talk about you to strangers.  People would say, "Tell me about Hadley."  I have never really thought about how I would answer that question.  It was hard and I hated it.  No matter what I said about you didn't seem to do you justice.   

I was reading Shelley Ramsey's blog called Grief with Hope and she totally summed up how I feel about my relationship with God.  She wrote about time healing this wound.  She says, "Time does not heal.  God heals in His time."  I believe that with all of my heart.  This wound of you not being here will never heal, But God will heal my heart.  It's how I am feeling with my relationship with God.  My relationship with God has to heal.  Gwen from Starlight Ministries gave an analogy yesterday.  She told a story about a Husband and a wife and the wife saw a young couple so in love sitting next to each other in the car. The guy was in the drivers seat and the girl sitting in the middle next to him.  The wife says, "Remember when we use to be like that, so in love? What happened?"  The husband replies, "I know what happened, I never moved.  I'm still sitting right here."  It's the wife that moved farther away.  That's how it is with God.  He hasn't moved away from me.  But because of the pain I am in I did.  The thing is I yell at God one minute and the next I am clinging to him for comfort.  Yesterday I heard that many of those ladies are doing the same thing....and it's ok.  

Today is Sunday and we didn't make it to church.  I drove to the grocery store and this song came on.  It spoke to my heart in the lines, "You heal the brokenness inside and give us light."  "You are calling us all by name."  I know God is calling me by name and he loves me.  I knew he was calling my name in that moment.  It was the first time since you died that I was quiet enough to hear God speaking to my heart.     

Haddie life sure does suck without you.  I miss you baby!

Love, 

Mama

Are you really in Heaven?

Haddie Bo Bo,

I would have done anything, Haddie.  I would have chosen anything else than this.  I wouldn't think twice about sacrificing myself if I had been given the option.  Whether that means me instead of you, or a different type of life altering tragedy.  You did not deserve this, you were helpless.  You depended on others completely for your care and safety.  It is easy to say that I would take on any other tragedy because I have experienced the tragedy of losing you.  Of hearing those life shattering words, "Your daughter has passed."

Tomorrow I am attending a Bereaved Mom's Retreat put on by Starlight Ministries.  A friend signed me up with my permission.  This friend has also experienced the loss of a child.  I have many different feelings about attending this event.  I am nervous because I don't know what to expect.  Most of all I feel pissed that I fall into a category of "Bereaved Mom's". Why does this apply to me?  Again I find myself in this club that I never ever wanted to be in.  With that being said the club that I am in does offer so much support and love and understanding.  Some day down the road I might be that Mom offering support to a new member of the club.  Although I hope and pray that I never have to do that....odds are that I will.

Day 3 of potty training has proven successful.  We have had no accidents and we even went on an excursion to South Haven.  It is definitely a different experience carrying around a potty with you everywhere you go.  We have no shame.  Is it to early to say that I think this is it?!  I think we are out of diapers.  Which when I think about it I should still be buying diapers for you.  I would gladly go broke buying you diapers baby girl.  You will always be 9 months old and my precious Bo Bo.  Now with every new thing I experience with Elo comes the thought that I will never experience it with you.

For most of my life I have had this strong faith in God.  I would still say that is true.  But sometimes I find myself wondering are you really in heaven, Haddie?  Do I really believe that?  Or is this something we tell ourselves to make us feel better about life?  Am I a bad Christ Follower because I question that?  And even sometimes doubt that?  Losing you has really changed somethings.  I still pray.  I know in my heart that God is real and loves me.  But I am mad...MAD.  It's weird to be mad at God but still look to Him for comfort.  I saw a post on facebook the other day of a family.  I know that a picture on facebook doesn't always tell the whole story.  The caption on the photo was, "God is Good".  Reading that I felt cynical.  It's so easy to say "God is good" when things are perfect or going well.  It's hard to say "God is good" when your child is gone.  I do not fault this person for saying that and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad for posting whatever they post.  So please know that is not my intention.  It's more about me and where I am at not about the picture and the comment.  Living my life right now saying "God is good"  is hard.  But I know in my heart I believe it, but because I am mad I am not going to say it.  Because I am stubborn. Because I am not ready.  Because My God can handle my anger.  Because I believe He grieves with me so He is mad too.

I have said it before, but I thought my miscarriages would be our greatest tragedy of our lives.  I know this is a horrible thought so I shouldn't say it out loud, but anyone who knows me knows I say what I think 110% of the time.  But when you died, Haddie, I couldn't help but think really...can't it get spread out a little bit?  Don't get me wrong I would never wish this on anyone else.  But yes I am saying it, "Why me God?"  If I sound like I am whining, I am.  Why give us this beautiful baby girl who is sweet beyond words to take her away 9 months later?  I know that there are people out there who have a much worse story than mine.  But mine still hurts too and I think that it's ok if I have a whiny-woe's me day.

I love you baby....

Mama

Potty Training Day 2

Haddie Bo Bo,

We are on day 2 of potty training Eloise.  She is doing fantastic!  She has such a personality and brings so much joy to us.  I am sure she would have been potty trained along time ago if I had been more consistent.  Sometimes it's just easier to put a diaper on than to worry about finding a potty, accidents, travel, etc.  However we have only had 1 accident today so we are well on our way to being 100% potty trained.  Eloise is going to be starting preschool two days a week in a little less than a month.  I think this will be great for her and she will love it.  She is used to being around other kids and having more structure from being in full-time daycare.  Then one day that changed for her and she has been home with her parents ever since with let's just say not so much struture.

In one day so many things changed for our family.  The biggest thing being you not being here.  We only have one carseat in our car.  We are a party of 3 when we go out to eat, and we only need 1 highchair.  We only have 1 income for our family.  We go to bed much later and sleep in much later.  I watch a lot more TV since you have been gone to drown out my thoughts.  My left arm is weaker because your not on my hip.  Bed time isn't as fun anymore.  Mornings are definitely much easier in a bad way.  Reading Eloise the book, Sister's Forever,  brings tears instead of smiles.  But last night when she asked me to read it too her we had a talk about how you are always her sister, and how you are with her no matter what she does.

I don't know if I totally agree with this quote because losing you was pretty darn hard.  But living with out you has been torture.  I am constantly at war with myself.  Obviously we are all still living and we have no choice but to go on.  There are moments that I do not want to live without you.  It would be easier to not be here, yes.  Does that mean I am suicidal, absolutely not.  There are even times where I have spoken out loud, "I don't want to do this anymore."  Meaning I don't want to live with out you anymore.  It wasn't my choice to lose you and the pain can be unbearable.  I despise everything about it.  Even though I think those thoughts and I feel those feelings I do not feel or think about harming myself.  Why is that?  I don't know.  I just know that is not what I am feeling when I say those things.  I don't want to live like this....but I have to.  And if I have to then I am going to make the most out of it.  Eloise will not say in 20 years that her mother was lost after losing Haddie.  She will not say that she felt not as loved or forgotten.  She will say how full her life was and how her parents made the best of a really sucky situation.  Don't think we are all rosy down here all the time, Haddie.  We have dark times, many sad times.  Times where we look at each other and say, "This sucks".  Your birthday party was one of those times.  As fun as it was and as special as we made it we still felt like this:

We had therapy today and I think our therapist is questioning if he can handle us.  It's our 3rd time going and I think he is finally starting to see who we are or at least who I am.  We were talking about being assertive in our relationship and how there is extreme assertiveness and the opposite.  Well he learned very quickly where I fall I that scale and anyone who knows me knows that too.  Anyway it was the first time in counseling that we both didn't cry the entire time and it was actually enjoyable.  Hopefully he has us back!  The first couple times we went we were so emotional just being there.  I think the couch you sit on has some sort of powers that immediately make you sob by just sitting on it.  The first time we went I was crying before I even got my name out....not just tears the loud, ugly cry, with the face and the snot.

Well Hads....I am off to make sure Eloise didn't pee all over the couch.  Even though you both have peed all over the couch many times so really what does it matter???  I love you so very much and I wish I could hold you and rub your bald head.

Love,

Mama

Happy 1st Birthday Bo Bo

Haddie Bo Bo,

Happy Birthday Baby your one!  A year ago today I pulled you out and cuddled with you on my chest.  I held you in my hospital room and it was quiet just you, me, and Daddy.  I nursed you and stared at you wondering who you were and how you would fit into our family.  

Yesterday I woke up to many sweet messages on facebook wishing you a Happy Birthday and prayers for us.  I cried as I read every single one of them.  Some very good friends of ours took Eloise and her buddy Hollis to the zoo for the morning.  Eloise loved it!  I was told that she sang you Happy Birthday several times.  She misses you so much, Bo Bo.

 I went out to breakfast with Aunt Emily, Aunt Alisa, and Crew.  Then it was back to the house to prep for your party.  I decorated the kitchen with all things "Haddie".  I wanted this day to be about you and celebrating you and remembering you.  The day really was perfect, the sun was shining with a light breeze, and it was warm.  We had a blast hanging around the pool watching your friends swim, blow you bubbles, play with chalk, and chase each other around the yard.  We ate good food and had cake and ice cream.  Then I opened your gifts; people were so generous and thoughtful.  I shed many tears as I opened them and thought about how cute you would be in the outfits.  How you would have loved to play with the toys.  Your very own toys, not your sister's toys, that you had to play with when she wasn't looking.  We are donating all of your gifts to children your age that needs them.

The day went just how I thought your birthday would go....except I never imagined you wouldn't be here to enjoy it.  Although I don't think you would have loved all the attention.  You would have clung to me as people would have tried to hold you (and I would have loved it).  You would have played in the balls with Crew and splashed in the water in the kiddie pool.  You would have been running all around, hopefully saying Mama, and flashing your adorable toothy grin.

Once it turned dark we headed down to the water to send you a lantern.  We sent you 1 purple lantern and watched as it floated into the dark sky until we couldn't see it anymore.  I didn't want the day to end.  I wanted to hold on to every second because I felt like I was holding on to you.  

During the festivities I was okay.  I enjoyed it and I felt so blessed that people remembered you by calling, texting, sending cards, flowers, and just showing up.  Today I woke up and I felt sad and empty.  We will always celebrate your birthday sweet girl even when I am 80 years old.  August 4th is your day and we will never ever forget who you are to our family and the joy you brought us.   There are certain things a parent should never have do and having a birthday party without their child is near the top of that list.  But we honored you today and had fun doing it and I think you loved it.  I hope Jesus gave you the biggest hug and sang you Happy Birthday today.  We sure did miss you down here.

Love,

Mama

2 months.

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

2 months.  61 days. 5,270,400 seconds, 87,840 minutes. 1,464 hours. 8 weeks and 5 days.  Since I have seen your bright blue eyes.  Since I have held you.  Since I have smelled your sweet smell.  Since you have bit me.  Since you have crawled up me.  Since you have followed me around the kitchen.  Since I have fed you a bottle.  Since I have laid you down to sleep.  Since we have cuddled. Another month has gone by without you.  How is it possible?  In some ways it seems like so very long.  In others it has gone so fast.

When I think about the "lasts" it seems so long.  Now that I look forward to the time I see you again it seems like an eternity and it's only been two months.  Gosh this is going to take forever.  One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is there isn't a day that I don't cry for you.  That I don't long for you.  That I don't ache for you.  That I don't feel a huge hole in my life.

Yesterday I got a message from a friend from a long time ago.  She started by saying that she wanted to reach out sooner but didn't know what to say.  It is very rare that something makes me feel better. So I was surprised how the words she wrote to me was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.  I have actually read and reread her message because it has quieted my heart when my heart is freaking out.  I hope she doesn't care that I am sharing it but I guess I'd rather ask for forgiveness than permission.  :)

I want to you to know I am praying circles around your family. I promise to pray specifically over the details of your day. I will pray for those moments that you can't breathe, that God breaths for you. For those moments you don't even have the strength to move, that God moves you. I will be praying that every day you just get through that day. I will pray for all of your firsts now, I will pray that you never feel that your daughter is forgotten.

Thank you friend.

Haddie the days are still long and hard without you. I don't expect that to change. I just want to be the best mom I can be to Eloise. I want to be the best mom I can be to you. I want to be the best wife I can be to your Daddy.

You are mine and I will always carry you with me.

Love,

Mama

Betraying her by having you.

Haddie Bo Bo,

The night I went into the hospital to have you I remember looking at Eloise as she slept in her bed.  I cried because I knew her world was about to change.  The next time I would see her she would be a big sister.  I had spent almost 2 years with just her and your Daddy.  I was scared I wouldn't be able to love another child as much as I loved Eloise.  I felt like I was betraying her by having you.  I even made a post on Facebook asking other mothers if they felt that way when they had their second. But from the moment you came into this world you were the perfect fit for our family.  For a few days shy of 10 months I had the dream life.  What I would give for one of our lazy Saturdays playing in our living room.

I never could have dreamt how you perfectly completed our family. I was so worried how you coming into our lives would change it.  Now I am sitting her realizing how you not being in our lives has changed everything.  I keep subconsciously searching for the cure to heal our brokenness.  It's not there.  It never will be there.  I try to do the "normal" things that used to make me feel better or happy.  None of it works it brings me right back to you every time.

It kind of bothers me when I hear people say, "She seems to be doing well."  My days suck in and out and I am just trying my best for my daughters, for the daughter that is here and the daughter who isn't.  If I am I enjoying a moment by laughing, or smiling it does not mean that I am not grieving.  It does not mean that I didn't cry myself to sleep the night before.  It doesn't mean that I didn't have to give myself a pep talk before going anywhere.  It makes me feel like if I am not laying in my bed crying that I am not missing you.  But there is no winning.  If I did lay in my bed most days then people would have something else to say.  People always have something to say.  Which of course I am reminded of every time I have ever had a thought about anyone so I need to to show a little grace. We are all human.  Oh the lessons we learn in the hardest of times.
  
Today is absolutely gorgeous outside.  It's sunny, 80 degrees, a light breeze, and it's the almost perfect day.  It really seems like a cruel joke.  Days like this shouldn't exist with out you.  The weather should always match the mess that is inside of me.  I had the perfect family for this perfect day.  We should be floating in our pool together.

 Today I went to the store with Eloise to order your birthday cake.  I told Eloise it was your birthday soon and we were going to celebrate you.  She started singing to you....

We love you Haddie Bo Bo...

Love,

Mama