We missed the dance.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Sometimes your face haunts me.  I stare at your face in pictures and see in your eyes how much I failed you.  You needed me for everything.  You trusted me.  I was supposed to keep you safe.  So much life in your eyes.  I look at this picture and it reminds me of an old vintage black and white picture.  You know the pictures that are plain and the people tend to have a blank stare. The picture itself doesn't tell you much, but you know there is so much more behind that empty stare.  I see that in your eyes; the innocence, the trust, the happiness.

The other day at church there was a sign saying that the father/daughter dance was full and they weren't selling anymore tickets.  I was disappointed that we missed the sign up.  Elo had so much fun last year.  But at the same time I don't know if I am up for it, even though I am not the one going.  Elo deserves to go and have fun with her daddy.  I mentioned it to your daddy that we had missed the sign up.  He said, "I know, but all I could about was that I won't be able to take Hads to a father/daughter dance."  My heart broke.  It broke for you.  It broke for your daddy.  It broke for Eloise.  It broke for me.  This situation.  The things we will never get to do with you and the ache that goes with that.  We will be reminded the rest of our lives of what we are missing with you.  Every time Elo does something new or cute I wonder and try to imagine what you would be doing.  I wonder how you would be on your first day of preschool.  What your funny stories would sound like.  I wonder what "Mama" would sound like coming out of your little mouth.

I haven't been able to get this picture out of my head lately...I wake up at night seeing this picture in my head.

I just can't believe I had to do this moment.  I had to follow my daughter's casket, that held her body.  I remember that I couldn't look out into the crowd of people that had come to support us.  I couldn't look into their eyes.   I just don't understand how one day I dropped you off eyes beaming, big toothy grin, and full of life. 

 Then the next time I see you...you were lifeless.  Your body has been cut open.  Your head has been sewed back together.  Your skin was cold and your eyes were glued shut.  Your beautiful blue eyes...shut forever. 

  This pic was taken a year ago right before Elo had her date with Daddy at the Daddy daughter dance.  

We will just have to have our own dance party at home.  We will forever miss you!  

Love,

Mama

Disclaimer:  I realize that these letters to you are mostly sad.  I write them when I grieve you the most.  I used to write them everyday because I needed too.  Now they aren't as frequent, that doesn't mean I don't think of you almost every moment of everyday.  It does not mean that we are not moving forward with our lives.  It does not mean that we don't do fun family activities, we do.  With every happy moment there is sadness too.  This is our lives now and it doesn't mean we are "stuck" in our grief or need to "move on".  We are not the same people.  There will not be a time that I am "back to the old Sandy".  But as a good friend told me we are just a different version of ourselves.  

"No, she not dead." She said with a little giggle.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I was upstairs putting laundry away, shocking I know.  Eloise was in her room playing with her train set.  It got very quiet, so I went to look for Elo.  I checked her room she wasn't there.  Then I saw her in your room.  She had gotten out all the poster boards with your pictures, we made for your funeral.  She had set them up around your room all by herself.  I watched her for a moment.  She was talking to you.  Pointing at certain pictures.  "I miss you Haddie Bo Bo."  I walked in and she noticed me.  I asked her what her favorite picture of you was and she point to one of her hold you pretty much by the neck.

"Haddie so happy!"

I asked her, "You miss Haddie?"  

"Yea I miss her." She replied.

"Where is she?" She asked

"Baby, Haddie died and she's in heaven, remember?"

"No, she not dead." She said with a little giggle.

"I'm sorry baby but Haddie died and she is with Jesus."

She walked up to your picture, "Yea she in heaven with Emme (Mimi's cat).  

Then she shocked me and sat down in the chair in your room and said, "Sit down, I want to talk about it." 

She told me s story about you crawling on the ground, and she was running and tripped over your leg, and fell and hit her head.  I don't know if this is a true story but she told it so well.  I then read her the book I made that's from you.  Of course I cried.  This is one of the few books that she actually will sit through till the end.  I told her what a great big sister she is and how much you love her.  I told her that even though you aren't here that she is still your sister and that will never change.  We spent about 40 minutes in your room talking about you. All led by Eloise it was special.

These are some selfies we took in your room

She saw a picture of the two of you laying on your play mat.  This is one of my favorite pictures of you guys together.  She then went over to the play mat that is in your room and laid underneath it and starting kicking and playing with the toys.

It absolutely breaks my heart into a million pieces to watch her grieve and process what has happened.  Why does she have to talk to you in a picture?!?!?  She is 3 she shouldn't have to deal with any of this!  It makes me so angry. You made her a big sister and she is great at it.  At bed time the last few nights the books she picks out are "sister" books.  Her favorites are "Big sister, Little sister" and "Sisters Forever."  She always points out which one is you and which one is her.  After you died this year our fish died, and then Mimi's cat died.  We tell Elo that they are in Heaven with you.  She will talk about her fish being in Heaven and Mimi's Cat.  She knows all too well about death at the age of 3.

Today is 8 months without you and it is unreal that we survived.  8 months ago I couldn't image being here.  It hurts just as bad as it did that day...I think it always will.  I am okay with that pain.  I love you so much.  We pray with Elo every night, "Keep our Haddie Bo Bo safe, and give her hugs and kisses on her forehead."  Then Elo gives Mama and Daddy kisses on our foreheads.

Love you,

Mama  

If I knew you would only be with us for 9 months...

Haddie Bo Bo,

If I knew you'd only be with us for 9 months I would have done so many things different.  I would have picked you up every time you cried.  I would have never stopped nursing you because I felt stressed out working full time.  I would have taken pictures of every moment of every day and never deleted any no matter how "not perfect" they were.  I would have constantly been video taping you so I could watch them over and over forever.  I would have quit my job to hold you all day.   I would have committed every smile, look, cry to memory.  I wouldn't have let you "cry it out" ever.  I would have rocked you to sleep every night and before every nap.  I would have never left you to go on a cruise.  I would have never left you with a baby sitter.  I would have never washed your clothes so I could still smell you on them. I would have stayed that extra day in the hospital just to have that special alone time with you.  I would have read that last book to you and Eloise even though I was tired.  I would have let you stay in your pack-n-play in my room a little longer before moving you too your room.  I would have let go of all the things you shouldn't do as a mom for fear of starting "bad habits". I would have slowed down, and spent more time at home.  Forget the "on the go" lifestyle.  Enjoy more time on our living room floor.  

I would have taken you out of your car seat and hugged and kissed you goodbye that last morning.  I would have held you as I fed you your last bottle that morning.  I would have listened to my gut and picked you up early that day.  So we wouldn't be living this nightmare.

I wonder how this will change me as a mother.  Will I mother my children everyday as if it could be their last?

Always thinking about you and missing you.  Every breath I take reminds me that your not here.

Love, 

Mama

How normal the not normal is.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I love you!

Recently I have been on the receiving end of many's generosity and kindness.

It was a later in the evening and Daddy, Elo, and I decided to take a quick Target run.  It had just been a long day at home so I still had the same pony tail hair from yesterday.  I was wearing a hoodie from 2003, and my sweatpants were not so stylishly some-what tucked into my rain boots.  Your Daddy had the same look going on minus the ponytail hair.  We only went for 1 or 2 things but Target trips always turn into something else.  We were staring at the wall of juices when we were startled by a lady whisking by us saying, "Hi Bromley Family".  I barely got out a Hello because I was so stunned.  We finished our shopping and headed to the check out.  I was startled again when someone I didn't know said, "Are you Sandy?"  She handed me a gift card that was left for us at the front.  Immediately I started to cry.  For many reasons.  I was shocked and taken by surprise.  I was also blown away at the kindness this lady showed my family.  To know that we were thought of and loved blows me away.  In this gift I also know that you were honored, remembered, and loved.  Which was the main reason for my tears.

I have had a couple moments this last week where I have found myself doing a normal activity only to stop and think of how different this moment would be if you were here.  One of them being working out in my living room.  I was on the floor doing an exercise and I realized how easy it was.  It was easy because my 17 month old wasn't here to climb all over me.  I could finish my work out with out stopping to get you snack, or pick you up if you were crying, or separate you from disagreement with your sister.  Such a little thing really, a 30 minute workout.  But yet your absence was loud in my head.

Tuesday I dropped Eloise off at school and headed to a friend's house.  I hadn't seen her in awhile and it was nice to catch up.  Your Daddy called me while I was there and I told him a story that happened that morning.  Eloise was at the kitchen table eating her yogurt.  Out of no where she said, "Haddie Bo Bo is gone and it's all my fault."  It took my breath away that she would say this.  I said, "Elo it is not your fault Haddie isn't here.  Please don't ever think that.  Mama and Daddy love you so much."  She went on to say, "I miss her, She's in Heaven, and it's my fault."  Now granted Elo has been using the phrase, "It's all my fault" with a lot of things these days and most of the time when she says it, it doesn't make sense.  So I am hoping she really doesn't think it's her fault that you aren't here.  I hung up the phone with Daddy.  My friend said, "I can't believe that conversation you just had."  She went on to explain that the content of the story was so incredibly sad, but the way we talked about it was completely normal.  It was shocking to her that this is our normal conversation in life.  I could tell that she was sad for me and maybe had teared up listening to that conversation.

It did make me think about our "normal" conversations on a day to day and realize how not normal they would be for anyone else.  I told your Daddy about it and he said, "Well after you have to live through a funeral for your child, nothing really compares to that."  

I know you are happy in heaven, but I still and always will selfishly want you here.  You belong here.  That should be our normal.

Elo at Music Class

You know we love our selfies...miss you of course!

Love you,

Mama

Today I can't

Haddie Bo Bo,

There are toys strewn about my living room.  A sink overflowing with dishes.  Food still stuck to the table from last night's dinner.  Eloise is running around, playing, singing, and laughing.  LOUD.  The house still feels empty.  

Today I can't look at your pictures because they hurt to much.  

Today my normal "go to" distractions are not working and I give in to the sadness and the constant flow of tears.  

I am angry.  I let myself say the things I feel even if I know they aren't truth.  

I brought your car seat into the house today.  The car seat I dropped you off in at daycare that Tuesday morning. The car seat I should be cleaning off and preparing for your little brother or sister. The last time I saw you, was in this car seat.  But I can't.  It still smells like you. 

 I should be changing the sheets on the crib.  They still have your drool stains on them.  I can't.  

Today is a day that life seems to hard.  Too daunting.  Too painful.  

I count down the hours until I can go to bed.  Escape from this reality and hopefully dream of you.  

Love,

mama

I treasure how she loves you.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I have been very busy this past week.  Busy and distracted.  I haven't had a lot of time to think....to think about you.  When I am awake I am thinking about you 99% of the time.  But lately I haven't had that time to think about you, or mourn you.  I usually see this time as our special time.  The time that I get to spend with you, set aside.  Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have you here, the things you would be doing.  Sometimes I think about you when you were alive, the memories we made together.  Sometimes I think about how you died...and I'm haunted by that.

I look forward to my quiet time that I get to spend with you.  Most of the time I do cry.  I have been thinking about how in 5 1/2 months I will be in the hospital meeting your brother or sister.  I think about how crazy things get with a newborn and everything that goes along with that.  Part of me looks forward to the time.  But another part of me is so scared for that time to come.  I am scared of the reminder of everything that I did with you.  Holding you, nursing you, waking up with you.  I will soon do that with a new baby.  I am nervous that with all the craziness of having a new baby that I will not be able to spend the time that I need with you.  I will be distracted.  I will be too busy, and I am scared that I will be betraying you in those moments.  I am nervous for how much I will miss you.    I am torn...I look forward to that, but in that same moment my heart breaks because I want you.  With everyday my life moves forward.  New experiences happen.  We make new memories.  You are in none of them.  That doesn't mean I am not thinking of you constantly in those new moments.

I had gone through Elo's clothes the other day and handed some down to Aunt Emily for their 2 year old C (they are in the process of adopting).  Eloise went over to there house last week and saw her "old" coat hanging in their breezeway.

"That's my jacket." Elo said

"Yes, your Mama gave it to C."

"It's mine, I want it." Elo stand sternly

"We're going to keep it here, it's too little for you now.  You handed it down to C."  Emily explained gently.

"I handed it down to Haddie Bo Bo.  Where is Haddie?' Elo asked innocently

"She is in heaven with Jesus, I love Haddie Bo Bo so much...you can have the jacket back whenever your Mama wants it."

I love this story for many reasons.  I love that Elo stands up for you (even though she didn't need to stand up for you in this situation)!  She is truly your big sister to her very core.  She will never forget you.  When I first heard that Elo was upset about her coat, I thought she just wanted it back because it was hers.  When I learned that she wanted it back for you....I was speechless.  This little girl amazes me everyday.  She is bold, fearless, stubborn, loving, and caring.  I treasure her.  I treasure how she loves you.

I don't know how, Haddie, but your little brother or sister will know you.  They will know who you are, how you lived, and how much we love you.  Every moment that is sweet is also torture, and that is my normal with out you.  Missing you always.

A sweet sister moment.  Elo tickling your piggys

Love,

Mama

My pain will someday be healed

Haddie Bo Bo,

I miss you.  Those words seem so little, so powerless.  They don't accurately describe the constant longing in my inner most being for you.  It's something I can't turn off, it doesn't lessen, it doesn't fade.  

Since you have left us I have found that nothing is the same and I have said this many times.  I have found that the very core of everything I believed as truth has been rocked.  I find myself questioning everything I have ever been taught, everything I have believed.  I have always believed that God is good.  That he wants the best for me.  That His love is unconditional.  I have always believed in heaven and hell.  I have always believed hat God had a plan for my life and this His plan was perfect.  Is this His perfect plan for my life?  

Although I find myself questioning God and wrestling with these questions, I do in my heart know them to be true.  The problem I am having is that I feel hurt I feel betrayed.  I had this close relationship with someone who I thought was always out for my good.  I have had my heart broken by failed relationships and I would comfort myself by choosing to believe that it didn't work because it wasn't God's best for me.  When I lost my first two babies to miscarriages I comforted myself by believing that God had a plan and there was a reason for my pain.  I had a intimate relationship with my God.  So now that you have been taken I feel that I have been hurt by the person who has known me before I was even conceived.  It feels personal.  Why didn't He stop this?  Why didn't He save you?  Why didn't He prove His power by giving us a miracle?

These questions I go over daily in my head.  I wrestle with God in my heart.  Knowing that His promises are still good, but I am not ready to claim them yet.  

I was listening to a song by David Crowder called "Come As You Are".

The lyrics say
" Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
I know that my pain will someday be healed.  I just don't know if that can happen on this earth.  Yes I believe that Heaven can heal.  So I long for heaven I ache for heaven.  I pray for heaven.  When I get to heaven and I see you again my pain will be healed.


Someone who cared for you sent me this video today.  This is what I think of when I think of you, nothing describes you better than this.  This video shows who you are.

I will never stop longing for you.  

Love, 

Mama