Someday Haddie

Haddie Bo Bo,

Someday I might be able to take a walk and not sob.

Someday I might be able to drive my car longer than 10 minutes without crying.

Someday I might be able to think about what happened to you with out massive anxiety.

Someday I might be able to watch your videos and smile without crying.

Someday I might be able to smile without effort.

Someday I might be able to live without fear of my thoughts.

Someday maybe....but I don't think so.

It's 7:30 on a Sunday night and in our "old life" we would be an hour away from bedtime.  I would probably be counting down the minutes.  So much has changed and I don't feel like I have the same life at all.  Not even a shell.  Our life is so completely different that I don't even recognize it.  

I think back on everything we have lived through the past few months since you have been gone and I can't believe this is my life.  Did this really happen to me?

I can't believe I have to listen to your sister pretend to play with you.  It's cruel torture.

Someday, Haddie, I will see you again.  I will look into your big blue eyes and feel joy.  Someday we will be in heaven together and I won't have to watch videos to see you.  Someday your sister will play with you again, her best friend, and not have to pretend.  Someday our family will be whole again.

Until that day comes Haddie I spend each day remembering you.  I spend each day speaking your name.  I spend each day trying to honor you.  I spend each day keeping you close.  I spend each day keeping you a part of our family.

Love you baby girl.

Mama

It was a bad day.

Haddie Bo Bo,

This week has had it's ups and downs.

Wednesday was an up.  We had some friends ask us to come to Music In The Park in Saugatuck.  The clouds had cleared and the sun came out.  The pizza was delicious the music was good.  Elo danced a lot and we got ice cream.  This is how I like to spend a summer night.

Thursday was a big down.  We woke up to a voicemail that someone we love very much had to go to the hospital, my superhero, my mom.  So I dropped Eloise off at the Brown's and headed downtown. It's about a 40-45 minute ride to Grand Rapids.  So I was by myself in the car driving with no distractions so I thought a lot.  I thought about you.  I thought about your funeral and living through that.  Thinking about it now its a good thing that funerals are within a short time of death.  I was in such shock I was just going through the motions.  My friends and family basically did everything for us.  It would be so much harder to attend your funeral today.  I thought about your last moments and how innocent you were.  It hurts me deep in my core to think of you laying there by yourself.  I go over every detail of that day.  I think about the first responders and if they tried to save you.  Why didn't they just try?  Miracles happen right?  So as I torture myself on this drive to the hospital I am sobbing, screaming, totally losing it.  Then I start to think about my mom and how I am not ready for her to leave me.  I start to have a conversation with God that went something like this.... "I would really, really have a hard time with you if you took my mom too.  Are you really this cruel?"  Which I know those thoughts aren't truth and I was speaking out of anger.

I arrive at the hospital and I walk down the same hallway that I walked when I was in labor with you. I used the same bathroom I used that night.  All I could think about was the last time I was here was to give birth to you, my precious baby girl.  The last time I was here I held you quietly in our room.  I was haunted.  I am haunted almost everywhere I go.

Thankfully I found my mom was doing ok and there is nothing "serious" to worry about at this time.  Just need to make a few adjustments.  After spending time with my mom at the hospital and making sure she was ok I left to come home.  I had gotten a call that your death certificate was ready to be picked up.  Awesome.  So I headed to downtown Holland to meet our amazing funeral director Dave.  I walked in and they are in the middle of a renovation.  I sat down and unloaded on Dave.  I am sure he didn't realize that he has also taken on the job of counselor.  He graciously listened to me as I talked about my out of control thoughts and emotions.  We then took a walk through the chapel to see the work that was being down.  We walked down to the room that I saw you in, held you in, painted your toes in, put your pjs on in, whispered to you in.

Later that night we took Eloise to her preschool open house.  She met her teachers and explored her room.  She is so excited!  Of course my crazy mind went there....I won't be sending you to preschool.  There where tons of families there with there soon to be preschooler and their younger siblings.  Not us.

There is always going to be downs even on our best day.  Every morning I wake up to you not being here and that sucks.  Life will always suck.  Even on the happiest of days life sucks because it's missing you.

Love,

Mama

The many faces of Haddie.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I talk about your toothy grin a lot, but really you have so many "looks"  that I miss.  One of my favorites is a look you gave when you didn't know what something was.  For example there is a picture from your Daddy's birthday party where I was taking a picture of the two of us with a selfie stick.  In the picture you can clearly see your face trying to figure out what the heck is this long stick thing.

One of my favorite pictures of you is when you were making a sad face.  It was taken by your Aunt Emily while I was on our cruise.  She said she had just pulled you away from the stairs and you were starting to cry.  She hoped that you seeing yourself would make you smile.  

Then you would sometimes give me this face.  I feel like this face says, "Not another selfie Mom!"  But how could I not, look how cute you are!

Then there is the face that is hard for me to think about.  The face you gave me when I came into your room the morning I got back from our cruise.  The face that said, "Mom is it really you?"  I don't have a picture of this face but I will never forget it.  It's burned into my memory forever.  I loved it because you were excited, shocked, looked like you needed me all in one little look.  Now I feel like I need you and I want you.

Of course there is the last time I ever saw your face, when I closed your casket.  I think back to that day and I ask myself how I did that.  How do you close the casket on your child, knowing you will never see that face again.  Many days I wonder when I see you in heaven what will you look like?Will you look like the Haddie that left us?   Or will you be grown up?   I really just can't wait for that day to come.

Love you so much baby girl.  I wish I could kiss your perfect cheeks.

Love,

Mama

I miss you in life's big things and the small things.

Haddie Bo Bo,

We just got back from taking Eloise to her first Tiger's Game.  As you know your Daddy loves Tiger's baseball and he has been eagerly awaiting the day Eloise would be old enough to take her to a game.  I still don't know if she was old enough but it was an adventure that's for sure.  We made it though 7 innings and we went broke buying snacks to continuously feed her and keep her occupied.

On Friday we attended our first big family event since you left us.  We were all feeling a little anxious about going, but we are glad we did.  Your Daddy's cousin Elyse got married, and it was the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen.  It was outdoors at a park, the weather was perfect, and the bride was stunning.  They chose to include you in their special day by having a rose on the stage that represented you.  It was so touching and absolutely meant the world to me.  I feel the most loved when people remember you.  The bride walked down the aisle to the same song we sung at your funeral How He Loves Us by David Crowder.  Of course I cried and it made me think of you.  But it was a special moment and it was nice to hear it again because it's truth.  It's always a little bit hard to attend events like a wedding because a million thoughts are going through my head.  Starting with I will never see you get married and have your Daddy give you away.  You won't be your sister's maid of honor and she won't be yours. Many other complicated thoughts that I don't know how to put words to at this moment.    

We also had your cousin Kadon's birthday party on Thursday night.  It was so much fun for Eloise because we went bowling.  The last time we were at this bowling alley was for your cousin Lilah's birthday and you were there too.  Oh how I wish you were here for Kadon's party.  I could just see you tearing through all that wrapping paper and of course trying to eat it.  

A lot of life has happened in these last few days.  So a lot of missing you has happened too.  Even though I have such a good time at these events I am always thinking about you and how you should be here celebrating with us.  Spending time away just the 3 of us is nice because we make memories together but at the same time your absence is screaming in my ear and slapping me in the face.  I have a constant pit in my stomach and lump in my throat.  We came home to this quilt that your Grammy made for me she is so very talented.  

It's every outfit that stood out to me that you wore.  Many of them are just as you left them stained shirts and dirty knees and I wouldn't have it any other way.  When I opened it up Eloise saw it and she immediately started talking about you.  These are Haddie's clothes.  She told me about how you use to bump heads, read stories at bed time, and how she used to feed you.  She remembers you...

I miss you every moment of every day.  I miss you in life's big things and the small things.  I miss you while I peel potatoes, when I put Elo to bed, birthday parties, and even when I sleep I miss you.  

I love you...and I will never understand why this had to happen. 

Love,

Mama

It's a Sacred Memory Now.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I had a dream about you the other night.  It's only the 3rd time I have dreamt about you.  In my dream you were gone and I knew that in my dream.  Somehow I found you in my dream and you were alive.  You were sitting in your car seat just waiting for me.  I picked you up and I don't remember saying anything, but I remembering feeling elated to know you were alive.  Life made sense.

Yesterday I met up with Dave our funeral director.  He is truly amazing and has such a big heart.  I met him downtown Holland at the funeral home.  Before you passed I would drive by that funeral home several times a week.  Never knowing that part of our story would unfold there.  I can't drive by that place without remembering the special time we spent with you there.  I remember being nervous to see you that day because we didn't know what to expect.  But I was anxious to see you because it had been so long since I saw you, held you, rubbed your little head.  I gave Dave a long list of things I want to do with you and he worked so hard to make that all happen for me.  I will forever be grateful to him for taking such good care of you.  God truly orchestrated that day to make it perfect.  

Many places are like that now; they hold new meaning.  Daddy met Uncle Eric for lunch a couple weeks back and when I asked where they went he said, "Boatwerks."  "You did!?" I said completely shocked.  We ate there as a family a week before you passed.  It was our favorite place to eat in Holland.  After dinner we took you and Elo down to the water to see the ducks.  Then we walked over to the park to play.  It was a beautiful night and I just remembering thinking that day that this is how life should be.  I pushed you on the swing and you loved it.  You flashed your toothy grin and giggled away.  It was such a perfect night that I felt it was setting the tone for the rest of the summer.  I am not ready to go back to Boatwerks without you.  It's a sacred memory now.

That's the bittersweet thing, Haddie, we came home from our cruise and you passed 2 weeks later.  Those two weeks were the best two weeks ever.  During that time we spent so much time together as a family making the best memories.  I am so thankful I have those to look back on.  Although sometimes I have to admit I look back on them and I get angry and sad.  They are good times that we spent together but we should be making more memories together.  Your story was cut short.  I look at your videos and you are such a sweet soul, full of life.  You would have down amazing things and I know that you still will even though you aren't here.

You are my angel, my darling, my star, and I know my love will find you where ever you are.

Love you,

Mama

It's Always Missing You

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday was a good day.  I had lunch with some friends I haven't seen in awhile and it did my heart good.  I also climbed some stairs at the beach with another friend and it was good for my soul.  

After the walk at the beach my friend stayed for dinner.  I was chopping up a sweet potato in the kitchen when I overheard Eloise tell her, "Haddie is my best friend."  Melts my heart and breaks it at the same time.  

When we had your birthday party we had asked people to bring you a gift that we would donate.  That day it was so hard to open your gifts.  You should have been there tearing them apart.  You would have loved them, Haddie.  Yesterday I put stickers on the toys that said, "Donated in memory of Hadley Sue Bromley.  8/4/14-6/2/15."  I boxed them up and took them to the Holland Rescue Mission.  The girl at the desk said that there was a little girl who just turned one and she would love them.  As I turned to walk out tears streamed down my face.  Leaving all of your toys there was harder than I thought it would be.  I am so glad that they can go to someone that needs them.  

Even though it was a good day I still cried myself to sleep with your daddy holding me.  No matter how good the day is its always missing you Bo Bo.  

Love you so much it hurts.

Love,

mama

Autopsy.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I am came home from my girls trip and greeted your Daddy and sister with hugs and kisses.  Then your Daddy held up an envelope and said, "This came."  It was your autopsy report.  We have waited and waited for this to be finalized, and here it was.  I have only skimmed it but it's unthinkable that I am reading a autopsy report for you, my daughter.  I was sad on my drive home thinking about you not being there when I walked in the door.  So it hit me like a slap in the face that you weren't there but instead your autopsy report was.  

I read the summary of what "happened" to you and it angered me.  14:44pm was your time of death.  What was I doing at 14:44pm that day?  Nothing that mattered I can tell you that.  Not thinking about you.  Cause of death: suffocation.  Manner of death: accident.  An accident is a fall, a car crash, or something like that.  I know that your death wasn't intentional.  It was in most people's eyes a tragic accident.  But accident doesnt sit well with me.  I should have trusted my gut, Haddie.  There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't be here.  It's a surreal feeling reading a document that a parent should never have to read.  It was like another sign reminding me that this really happened.  You are really gone.  Someone cut you up and made sure there was no way for you to come back.  I know that sounds crazy.  I am reading, 90 Minutes in Heaven, and in the book the guy dies for 90 minutes.  He was pronounced dead but he came back.  So of course my mind asks a million questions.

Why couldn't you have came back?
Did they try hard enough to save you?
Were you really dead before they took you?

Every time I see an ambulance I wonder if those where the people that decided you couldn't be saved. Did they made the decision that you had been gone for too long?  

Oh how I wish we were telling a different story.

I know peoples lives go on, they have too.  It's so strange to see picture of people enjoying life, celebrating events, and looking forward to the future.  Hopefully this doesn't sound mean because that is not my intentions.  But I really do feel alone in this.  Even people who loved you so much can seem to move on.  They can enjoy life with out this grief weighing on, them each moment of everyday, crushing them.  This is my day in and day out life.  I can see how easy it is to exclude people and hide.  I don't want people to feel bad about their lives because mine is this way.  I don't expect people to feel how I feel, or be how I am.  So it's definitely easier to stay to myself, to stay home, to not talk about it.

On a happier note the weather has been beautiful and we spent today outside.  I laid on a chair in the sun, reading a book, while I watched your sister play.  I couldn't help but think there is no way I would be able to sit in this chair if you were here!  I would give anything to be chasing you around the back yard, trying to slather sun screen on you.

Already reading chapter books.  She's advanced.

I love you baby girl.

Love,

Mama