If I knew you would only be with us for 9 months...

Haddie Bo Bo,

If I knew you'd only be with us for 9 months I would have done so many things different.  I would have picked you up every time you cried.  I would have never stopped nursing you because I felt stressed out working full time.  I would have taken pictures of every moment of every day and never deleted any no matter how "not perfect" they were.  I would have constantly been video taping you so I could watch them over and over forever.  I would have quit my job to hold you all day.   I would have committed every smile, look, cry to memory.  I wouldn't have let you "cry it out" ever.  I would have rocked you to sleep every night and before every nap.  I would have never left you to go on a cruise.  I would have never left you with a baby sitter.  I would have never washed your clothes so I could still smell you on them. I would have stayed that extra day in the hospital just to have that special alone time with you.  I would have read that last book to you and Eloise even though I was tired.  I would have let you stay in your pack-n-play in my room a little longer before moving you too your room.  I would have let go of all the things you shouldn't do as a mom for fear of starting "bad habits". I would have slowed down, and spent more time at home.  Forget the "on the go" lifestyle.  Enjoy more time on our living room floor.  

I would have taken you out of your car seat and hugged and kissed you goodbye that last morning.  I would have held you as I fed you your last bottle that morning.  I would have listened to my gut and picked you up early that day.  So we wouldn't be living this nightmare.

I wonder how this will change me as a mother.  Will I mother my children everyday as if it could be their last?

Always thinking about you and missing you.  Every breath I take reminds me that your not here.

Love, 

Mama

How normal the not normal is.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I love you!

Recently I have been on the receiving end of many's generosity and kindness.

It was a later in the evening and Daddy, Elo, and I decided to take a quick Target run.  It had just been a long day at home so I still had the same pony tail hair from yesterday.  I was wearing a hoodie from 2003, and my sweatpants were not so stylishly some-what tucked into my rain boots.  Your Daddy had the same look going on minus the ponytail hair.  We only went for 1 or 2 things but Target trips always turn into something else.  We were staring at the wall of juices when we were startled by a lady whisking by us saying, "Hi Bromley Family".  I barely got out a Hello because I was so stunned.  We finished our shopping and headed to the check out.  I was startled again when someone I didn't know said, "Are you Sandy?"  She handed me a gift card that was left for us at the front.  Immediately I started to cry.  For many reasons.  I was shocked and taken by surprise.  I was also blown away at the kindness this lady showed my family.  To know that we were thought of and loved blows me away.  In this gift I also know that you were honored, remembered, and loved.  Which was the main reason for my tears.

I have had a couple moments this last week where I have found myself doing a normal activity only to stop and think of how different this moment would be if you were here.  One of them being working out in my living room.  I was on the floor doing an exercise and I realized how easy it was.  It was easy because my 17 month old wasn't here to climb all over me.  I could finish my work out with out stopping to get you snack, or pick you up if you were crying, or separate you from disagreement with your sister.  Such a little thing really, a 30 minute workout.  But yet your absence was loud in my head.

Tuesday I dropped Eloise off at school and headed to a friend's house.  I hadn't seen her in awhile and it was nice to catch up.  Your Daddy called me while I was there and I told him a story that happened that morning.  Eloise was at the kitchen table eating her yogurt.  Out of no where she said, "Haddie Bo Bo is gone and it's all my fault."  It took my breath away that she would say this.  I said, "Elo it is not your fault Haddie isn't here.  Please don't ever think that.  Mama and Daddy love you so much."  She went on to say, "I miss her, She's in Heaven, and it's my fault."  Now granted Elo has been using the phrase, "It's all my fault" with a lot of things these days and most of the time when she says it, it doesn't make sense.  So I am hoping she really doesn't think it's her fault that you aren't here.  I hung up the phone with Daddy.  My friend said, "I can't believe that conversation you just had."  She went on to explain that the content of the story was so incredibly sad, but the way we talked about it was completely normal.  It was shocking to her that this is our normal conversation in life.  I could tell that she was sad for me and maybe had teared up listening to that conversation.

It did make me think about our "normal" conversations on a day to day and realize how not normal they would be for anyone else.  I told your Daddy about it and he said, "Well after you have to live through a funeral for your child, nothing really compares to that."  

I know you are happy in heaven, but I still and always will selfishly want you here.  You belong here.  That should be our normal.

Elo at Music Class

You know we love our selfies...miss you of course!

Love you,

Mama

Today I can't

Haddie Bo Bo,

There are toys strewn about my living room.  A sink overflowing with dishes.  Food still stuck to the table from last night's dinner.  Eloise is running around, playing, singing, and laughing.  LOUD.  The house still feels empty.  

Today I can't look at your pictures because they hurt to much.  

Today my normal "go to" distractions are not working and I give in to the sadness and the constant flow of tears.  

I am angry.  I let myself say the things I feel even if I know they aren't truth.  

I brought your car seat into the house today.  The car seat I dropped you off in at daycare that Tuesday morning. The car seat I should be cleaning off and preparing for your little brother or sister. The last time I saw you, was in this car seat.  But I can't.  It still smells like you. 

 I should be changing the sheets on the crib.  They still have your drool stains on them.  I can't.  

Today is a day that life seems to hard.  Too daunting.  Too painful.  

I count down the hours until I can go to bed.  Escape from this reality and hopefully dream of you.  

Love,

mama

I treasure how she loves you.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I have been very busy this past week.  Busy and distracted.  I haven't had a lot of time to think....to think about you.  When I am awake I am thinking about you 99% of the time.  But lately I haven't had that time to think about you, or mourn you.  I usually see this time as our special time.  The time that I get to spend with you, set aside.  Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have you here, the things you would be doing.  Sometimes I think about you when you were alive, the memories we made together.  Sometimes I think about how you died...and I'm haunted by that.

I look forward to my quiet time that I get to spend with you.  Most of the time I do cry.  I have been thinking about how in 5 1/2 months I will be in the hospital meeting your brother or sister.  I think about how crazy things get with a newborn and everything that goes along with that.  Part of me looks forward to the time.  But another part of me is so scared for that time to come.  I am scared of the reminder of everything that I did with you.  Holding you, nursing you, waking up with you.  I will soon do that with a new baby.  I am nervous that with all the craziness of having a new baby that I will not be able to spend the time that I need with you.  I will be distracted.  I will be too busy, and I am scared that I will be betraying you in those moments.  I am nervous for how much I will miss you.    I am torn...I look forward to that, but in that same moment my heart breaks because I want you.  With everyday my life moves forward.  New experiences happen.  We make new memories.  You are in none of them.  That doesn't mean I am not thinking of you constantly in those new moments.

I had gone through Elo's clothes the other day and handed some down to Aunt Emily for their 2 year old C (they are in the process of adopting).  Eloise went over to there house last week and saw her "old" coat hanging in their breezeway.

"That's my jacket." Elo said

"Yes, your Mama gave it to C."

"It's mine, I want it." Elo stand sternly

"We're going to keep it here, it's too little for you now.  You handed it down to C."  Emily explained gently.

"I handed it down to Haddie Bo Bo.  Where is Haddie?' Elo asked innocently

"She is in heaven with Jesus, I love Haddie Bo Bo so much...you can have the jacket back whenever your Mama wants it."

I love this story for many reasons.  I love that Elo stands up for you (even though she didn't need to stand up for you in this situation)!  She is truly your big sister to her very core.  She will never forget you.  When I first heard that Elo was upset about her coat, I thought she just wanted it back because it was hers.  When I learned that she wanted it back for you....I was speechless.  This little girl amazes me everyday.  She is bold, fearless, stubborn, loving, and caring.  I treasure her.  I treasure how she loves you.

I don't know how, Haddie, but your little brother or sister will know you.  They will know who you are, how you lived, and how much we love you.  Every moment that is sweet is also torture, and that is my normal with out you.  Missing you always.

A sweet sister moment.  Elo tickling your piggys

Love,

Mama

My pain will someday be healed

Haddie Bo Bo,

I miss you.  Those words seem so little, so powerless.  They don't accurately describe the constant longing in my inner most being for you.  It's something I can't turn off, it doesn't lessen, it doesn't fade.  

Since you have left us I have found that nothing is the same and I have said this many times.  I have found that the very core of everything I believed as truth has been rocked.  I find myself questioning everything I have ever been taught, everything I have believed.  I have always believed that God is good.  That he wants the best for me.  That His love is unconditional.  I have always believed in heaven and hell.  I have always believed hat God had a plan for my life and this His plan was perfect.  Is this His perfect plan for my life?  

Although I find myself questioning God and wrestling with these questions, I do in my heart know them to be true.  The problem I am having is that I feel hurt I feel betrayed.  I had this close relationship with someone who I thought was always out for my good.  I have had my heart broken by failed relationships and I would comfort myself by choosing to believe that it didn't work because it wasn't God's best for me.  When I lost my first two babies to miscarriages I comforted myself by believing that God had a plan and there was a reason for my pain.  I had a intimate relationship with my God.  So now that you have been taken I feel that I have been hurt by the person who has known me before I was even conceived.  It feels personal.  Why didn't He stop this?  Why didn't He save you?  Why didn't He prove His power by giving us a miracle?

These questions I go over daily in my head.  I wrestle with God in my heart.  Knowing that His promises are still good, but I am not ready to claim them yet.  

I was listening to a song by David Crowder called "Come As You Are".

The lyrics say
" Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
I know that my pain will someday be healed.  I just don't know if that can happen on this earth.  Yes I believe that Heaven can heal.  So I long for heaven I ache for heaven.  I pray for heaven.  When I get to heaven and I see you again my pain will be healed.


Someone who cared for you sent me this video today.  This is what I think of when I think of you, nothing describes you better than this.  This video shows who you are.

I will never stop longing for you.  

Love, 

Mama

New Year...New Hope?

Haddie Bo Bo,

We got home yesterday from our Christmas get-away to Florida.  We had a really great time.  It didn't seem like Christmas in Florida and that was really helpful.  It wasn't constantly in my face and people weren't really doing "Christmassy" things so it wasn't as painful as it would have been at home.  We didn't have to live up to any expectations and that was freeing.  Don't get me wrong there were still moments of the day that were unbearable, times when I couldn't breath.  I woke up crying and fell asleep crying, but I would still say it was a good day.  Elo woke up and opened presents, and then we were off to Disney!  We drove 1.5 hours to be turned around at the gate.  The park was full.  Elo's heart was broken. We drove back to our hotel and spent the day on the beach.  We did eventually make it to Disney and Elo met all of her favorite princesses.  She was elated.  Daddy said that he teared up to see her so happy.

So now we are home and I am facing the holiday that has me even more anxious than Christmas.  New Years.  A good friend said to me, "It's hard to say goodbye to a year your child was alive in."  That's exactly it.  Although this is absolutely the worst year of my life, it was also the best year of my life.  You were alive.  You lived, breathed, smiled, played, and made us so happy.  We made unforgettable memories together.  2016 won't give us that opportunity.  There won't be those perfect moments.  You will be missing from every memory we make.  Again I find myself struggling for control of this situation.  I want to stop time, refuse to celebrate.  Protest this day and what it represents.  But I know that no matter what it will come.

2016 will bring good things.  A new baby, joy, and hope.  I am excited to see what will happen with Haddie's Calling and the new opportunities it will bring.  2016 will also bring pain.  The 1 year anniversary of your death.  More things I cannot control and I have to live through.

My fears for this year is that people will start to forget you.  That they will think, "They have a new baby, time to move on."  They won't ask about you or talk about you.  Another friend that I have been writing to back and forth recently said, "So often when people die, it almost seems too painful to talk about them, but I don't think that's good."  This is such a true statement.  Is it painful to talk about you?  Yes sometimes.  But it's even more painful to live like you didn't exist, to pretend this didn't happen.  My goal in life is to keep you present with us always.  To honor you and to help save lives.  To make Elo's life the best it can possibly be.  As I write this I am watching her finally make her snow angels.  She has been asking to make them for months!  I wish you here to bundle up and take outside.  I would love to laugh while I watch you tried to topple through the snow.  I can see you now looking up at the snow as it falls with your quizzical look.

When we got home we found out that our fishy, Mr. Grouper, had jumped out of his tank.  I told Elo that he is in heaven with you.  So please take care of Mr. Grouper for us.  

We love you and miss you every moment of every day.  

Love, 

Mama

I will hide my broken heart

Haddie Bo Bo,

Merry Christmas baby girl.  I am sitting in a hotel in sunny, beautiful, Florida, trying to go to sleep.  I have the TV on and head phones in trying desperately to drown out the thoughts in my head.  When this of course fails I go get the laptop so I can write these thoughts out in hopes to be free of them for a night.

Today is Christmas Eve.  We started the morning with a yummy breakfast buffet.  You know Mama loves her breakfast.  We then went on a quick search for replacement bubbles for Elo's toy Shamu bubble blower she got yesterday.  We got back to the hotel and it was 85 degrees and sunny.  We headed out to the beach.  Daddy boogie boarded while Elo and I stood in the waves.  We spent the afternoon picking up shells, walking in the sand, soaking in the sun, swimming in the pool, and for me doing anything to distract myself.  It's nice here because it doesn't feel like Christmas so it has been somewhat of a distraction.  But there were several moments today when I wasn't distracted and I gave in to the deep ache and let the tears come.

If all was right in the world we would have gone to Christmas Eve service at our church and sang my favorite Christmas songs.  We would have gone out for Chinese afterwards at my favorite spot, Blue Ginger.  We would have gone home and opened your Christmas Eve gifts, which are always Christmas jammies.  We would have sprinkled reindeer food on our front lawn and put out Santa's cookies. We would have read T'was The Night Before Christmas and got into your jammies.  I would have made you and your sister pose for pictures until I got the perfect one.  I would have given you snuggles and put you to bed.  I would be busy putting out all of your Santa gifts and making sure everything was perfect for the morning.  I would have made sure our homemade cinnamon rolls were ready for the morning and then tried to convince myself to sleep.  I would have been too excited to sleep thinking of the morning and all the excitement to be had.  I would have laid in bed and watched the move Elf for the 387,529,348 time this season.

But we did not do any of those things today.  Instead I tried to distract myself from these "would have" thoughts.  Why is this our reality?  Why aren't we doing these things?  I am mad that things are different, in fact completely a mess,  and that things aren't perfect.

Tonight Santa comes and in the morning Elo will be relieved to know that he found us in Florida.  We will head to Disney and have THE BEST DAY for Eloise.  I will hide my broken heart from her and make sure she knows that she means the world to me.

So many times Elo knows right thing to say to me.  Many times through out the day she has a secret to tell me. She makes me bend down, and she cups her hands around my ear and says, "Haddie loves you."  She must dream about you all the time.  She woke up today and the first thing she said to me was, "Haddie was eating and then we went swimming around and around and I tickled her back.  Then she got scared and fell asleep. I love her."

I will keep these memories forever.  It was truly magical and I just don't ever see it being like this again, at least for me.  I'm sure it will feel different later and I will love christmas again.  But it will never be this perfect.  I hope you are having the best party up there with Jesus.  I love you and I wish you were here, with us, where you should be.  

Love,

Your Mama who can't pull it together tonight