New Year...New Hope?

Haddie Bo Bo,

We got home yesterday from our Christmas get-away to Florida.  We had a really great time.  It didn't seem like Christmas in Florida and that was really helpful.  It wasn't constantly in my face and people weren't really doing "Christmassy" things so it wasn't as painful as it would have been at home.  We didn't have to live up to any expectations and that was freeing.  Don't get me wrong there were still moments of the day that were unbearable, times when I couldn't breath.  I woke up crying and fell asleep crying, but I would still say it was a good day.  Elo woke up and opened presents, and then we were off to Disney!  We drove 1.5 hours to be turned around at the gate.  The park was full.  Elo's heart was broken. We drove back to our hotel and spent the day on the beach.  We did eventually make it to Disney and Elo met all of her favorite princesses.  She was elated.  Daddy said that he teared up to see her so happy.

So now we are home and I am facing the holiday that has me even more anxious than Christmas.  New Years.  A good friend said to me, "It's hard to say goodbye to a year your child was alive in."  That's exactly it.  Although this is absolutely the worst year of my life, it was also the best year of my life.  You were alive.  You lived, breathed, smiled, played, and made us so happy.  We made unforgettable memories together.  2016 won't give us that opportunity.  There won't be those perfect moments.  You will be missing from every memory we make.  Again I find myself struggling for control of this situation.  I want to stop time, refuse to celebrate.  Protest this day and what it represents.  But I know that no matter what it will come.

2016 will bring good things.  A new baby, joy, and hope.  I am excited to see what will happen with Haddie's Calling and the new opportunities it will bring.  2016 will also bring pain.  The 1 year anniversary of your death.  More things I cannot control and I have to live through.

My fears for this year is that people will start to forget you.  That they will think, "They have a new baby, time to move on."  They won't ask about you or talk about you.  Another friend that I have been writing to back and forth recently said, "So often when people die, it almost seems too painful to talk about them, but I don't think that's good."  This is such a true statement.  Is it painful to talk about you?  Yes sometimes.  But it's even more painful to live like you didn't exist, to pretend this didn't happen.  My goal in life is to keep you present with us always.  To honor you and to help save lives.  To make Elo's life the best it can possibly be.  As I write this I am watching her finally make her snow angels.  She has been asking to make them for months!  I wish you here to bundle up and take outside.  I would love to laugh while I watch you tried to topple through the snow.  I can see you now looking up at the snow as it falls with your quizzical look.

When we got home we found out that our fishy, Mr. Grouper, had jumped out of his tank.  I told Elo that he is in heaven with you.  So please take care of Mr. Grouper for us.  

We love you and miss you every moment of every day.  

Love, 

Mama

I will hide my broken heart

Haddie Bo Bo,

Merry Christmas baby girl.  I am sitting in a hotel in sunny, beautiful, Florida, trying to go to sleep.  I have the TV on and head phones in trying desperately to drown out the thoughts in my head.  When this of course fails I go get the laptop so I can write these thoughts out in hopes to be free of them for a night.

Today is Christmas Eve.  We started the morning with a yummy breakfast buffet.  You know Mama loves her breakfast.  We then went on a quick search for replacement bubbles for Elo's toy Shamu bubble blower she got yesterday.  We got back to the hotel and it was 85 degrees and sunny.  We headed out to the beach.  Daddy boogie boarded while Elo and I stood in the waves.  We spent the afternoon picking up shells, walking in the sand, soaking in the sun, swimming in the pool, and for me doing anything to distract myself.  It's nice here because it doesn't feel like Christmas so it has been somewhat of a distraction.  But there were several moments today when I wasn't distracted and I gave in to the deep ache and let the tears come.

If all was right in the world we would have gone to Christmas Eve service at our church and sang my favorite Christmas songs.  We would have gone out for Chinese afterwards at my favorite spot, Blue Ginger.  We would have gone home and opened your Christmas Eve gifts, which are always Christmas jammies.  We would have sprinkled reindeer food on our front lawn and put out Santa's cookies. We would have read T'was The Night Before Christmas and got into your jammies.  I would have made you and your sister pose for pictures until I got the perfect one.  I would have given you snuggles and put you to bed.  I would be busy putting out all of your Santa gifts and making sure everything was perfect for the morning.  I would have made sure our homemade cinnamon rolls were ready for the morning and then tried to convince myself to sleep.  I would have been too excited to sleep thinking of the morning and all the excitement to be had.  I would have laid in bed and watched the move Elf for the 387,529,348 time this season.

But we did not do any of those things today.  Instead I tried to distract myself from these "would have" thoughts.  Why is this our reality?  Why aren't we doing these things?  I am mad that things are different, in fact completely a mess,  and that things aren't perfect.

Tonight Santa comes and in the morning Elo will be relieved to know that he found us in Florida.  We will head to Disney and have THE BEST DAY for Eloise.  I will hide my broken heart from her and make sure she knows that she means the world to me.

So many times Elo knows right thing to say to me.  Many times through out the day she has a secret to tell me. She makes me bend down, and she cups her hands around my ear and says, "Haddie loves you."  She must dream about you all the time.  She woke up today and the first thing she said to me was, "Haddie was eating and then we went swimming around and around and I tickled her back.  Then she got scared and fell asleep. I love her."

I will keep these memories forever.  It was truly magical and I just don't ever see it being like this again, at least for me.  I'm sure it will feel different later and I will love christmas again.  But it will never be this perfect.  I hope you are having the best party up there with Jesus.  I love you and I wish you were here, with us, where you should be.  

Love,

Your Mama who can't pull it together tonight

Out of Control

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

I have been coming to the realization over time that because of the lack of control that I have in this situation I am slowly becoming or feeling out of control.

From the moment you took your last breath I lost all rights to you.  I was told that I wasn't allowed to see you.  If they let me see you I might touch you and ruin any evidence that might have been there.  No matter what I said or did I could not change this.  This was mind blowing to me.  You were mine.  I made you.  I nursed you.  I cared for you everyday.  But I couldn't see you.

You are gone.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  Trust me I have gone over it in my head a million times.  From rational thoughts to very irrational thoughts.  I have gone over every moment of that day in my head.  What I could have done different to have prevented your death.  I have spent lots of time thinking about if I believe you are gone.  Or even crazier do I believe you were really here?  If I sleep long enough will you appear when I wake up?  If I pray hard enough will this baby in my belly be you?  Again I have no control over this situation.

The holidays.  No matter how much I didn't want them to come they are still looming.  We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving because I couldn't bare the thought of you not being there.  I didn't want to sit around a table and pretend to be thankful when frankly I wasn't feeling very thankful.  So we didn't have a turkey dinner with our family, but Thanksgiving still came.  Tonight I am sitting in a hotel and we fly out to Florida in the morning.  This is my effort to skip Christmas.  But Christmas will still come.  New Years will still come.  Before I know it a we will be waking up to the 1 year anniversary of your death.  I fight it everyday with every ounce of my being.  But these milestones and special days keep happening.  I don't want to live in a year that you didn't exist in.  I don't want to celebrate a holiday without you.  I have no control over these things.  So because I have no control I protest.

So as I continue to have this power struggle with life I am slowly loosing control.  I am angry.  My anger sometimes is misdirected and the people I love get the brunt of it.  I am difficult.  I get mad when things don't go my way or turn out as I planned.  I shut down.  I cancel plans. I am brutally honest (this is not a new thing).  I have no patience.  I lack grace.  I expect grace but can't seem to extend it.  I can't let things go.  I can't stop my thoughts.  I can't stop my tears.  I am out of control.

I hate that I feel this way and I grow increasingly frustrated with how my grieve turns into not very pretty actions.  It all comes back to you not being here.  If you were here many of these issues would not be issues.  I wish everything was different.

I love you and as much as I hate what has happened I regret nothing of our time together.  You are mine forever and that will not change.  We will be reunited someday and I think of that moment all the time.

Love,

Mama

We Saw a Beating Heart, I wish I saw your beating heart

Haddie Bo Bo,

Daddy hung up the canvas pictures of you and Eloise in our bedroom.  Eloise and I were laying in my bed because we weren't feeling well.  She looked over at your picture and said, "Haddie jump out of the picture."  She then went on to pretend that you were jumping on the bed with her.  This kind of stuff really just rips me apart.  I love that she remembers you and misses you.  I just hate that she has to pretend these moments.  We should be living these moments.

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015 was a day that I had dreaded.  It had marked a time that I couldn't believe was happening.  Time is such a weird thing.  Time means so many different things to me now.  My life before you died and now my life after.  Well this day marked 6 months since you left us.  I can't believe I have lived 1/2 a year with out you.  It doesn't seem possible that I could physically do this.  I can't understand how I got to this point.  I can't believe that this is the life I live everyday.

So on this day that marks 6 months since I have seen you, smelled you, held you, I found myself at the doctor.  This is the very same place that I was when I heard those life changing words, "Your daughter has passed away."  Thankfully my doctor has two offices and I was able to go to the other office, which is now the only office I will visit.  Your Daddy and I were in a dark room with a screen watching a heart beat, which we have come to know as a miracle.  On a day that represents you not being with us we were able to see the life of our unborn baby.  I can't even describe the emotions and feelings that I was feeling that day.  A beating heart is always a gift and I will always be grateful and thankful for that.  But it's not your beating heart and that's what I want more than anything.  I know the hope of new life will bring joy at some point.  But I haven't experienced that yet.  My immediate reaction was guilt.  How do I hold a baby that's isn't you.  It's just not fair.  I know I say that a lot but that's how I feel.  This baby won't know you.  You won't have the chance to be a big sister.  I didn't know how I would feel but I didn't expect this.

I was also nervous to see my doctor.  It had been 6 months to the day that I had seen him last.  There have been many times that I think back to that day and wonder how he felt.  I feel bad that he had to be there in that moment with me, but at the same time I was glad he was.  Unfortunately, he has delivered some of the worst news we have ever heard or been there when we were hearing it.  He has also been there for the best moments too.

It's hard to tell people about the baby, because they are SO EXCITED and happy for us.  Right now I can't seem to mirror that level of excitement.  I know I will love this baby and it will make us smile.  But it will never take your place, I promise.  It's not possible.  I miss you and ache for you.  Even when I hold this new baby I will still feel those things.  There is no "fix" for the pain I feel for your absence.  Our family will never be whole until we are reunited someday in heaven and I long for that day. I know you are in heaven and not worrying about a thing.  But I still worry about you and your feelings.  I hope that you are ok and not upset and understand that you will never be forgotten and I will always speak your name.

Maybe this baby is a gift from you.

I love you, baby girl.

Love,

Mama

Why don't dreams come true?

Haddie Bo Bo,

I had traveled to Chicago earlier this year for work.  I was gone for 3.5 days and your Daddy was taking care of you and your sister.  I would facetime you guys everyday a couple times a day.  Every time I called you guys were doing great.  When I came home I picked you up and you gave me a huge grin.  You had cut 4 teeth while I was gone. I kissed your cheeks and you giggled.  I asked Daddy if you had been clingy or fussy and he said no.  I couldn't believe it!  I loved coming home to you and Eloise and your big hugs.  I miss how you crawled all over me and give me a little nibble with your brand new teeth.

We just came home today from our annual trip to Chicago.  We usually go this time of year around my birthday and Aunt Alisa's birthday.  We visit Aunt Rachel, Uncle Tim, and Evie.  Sometimes we take our kiddos and sometimes we don't.  This year Elo stayed with Mimi and had a blast.  You made a trip to Chicago when I was around 12-13 weeks preggo with you in December 2013.  You didn't get a chance to go back.  We would have taken you to see the lights at the zoo this year.  You would have loved it, I would have loved it, life would have been perfect.  We had a great time, shopping, eating, and taking in a magic show.  Spending time with friends that mean the world to me was the best.  I learned how to use uber and met some interesting people using it. The whole time I felt like something was missing.  You were missing.  I am not whole without you.  In fact there is a huge hole missing from my heart and I can feel it no matter what I am doing.  I am different.  I interact differently.  I process things differently.  I am still me but not in whole.  It's like i'm going through life at 70 percent, sometimes less.

We drove into our driveway and I could see Eloise jumping on the couch looking out the window.  You should have been next to her, staring out the window.  I walked through the door and Elo jumped in my arms for a bear hug.  The kind of hug that is so tight, so full of love, no one can come in between.  I missed your hug.  Elo spend the next twenty minutes running around the living room telling me to, "Watch this, Mama."  I missed you running around too.  Coming home without you isn't the same.  There is a gaping hole where you should be.  With everything that is...there is a reminder that you are not.  With every hug and kiss I get from Elo, there isn't one from you. Whenever Elo tells me that, "I super love you Mom."  I know that you won't tell me that.

I look at your box of ashes and can't believe that the baby I once gave birth too, nursed, and held every day is in that box.  How is that possible?  Where are you Haddie?

Elo and I were cuddling on the couch today and she said, "I'm crying because I miss my baby Haddie."  (She wasn't really crying, but doing a fake cry)  I said, "Me too baby I wish she was here."

She said, "It's ok, Mama.  She come back really soon."

After awhile I had to drive to get some groceries.  We haven't bought groceries in a month.  It had been a couple days since I could grieve you.  I was fighting back the thoughts and tears on the drive home from Chicago and I couldn't push them away anymore.  I let the tears come and cried for God to take me.  Come back for us.  Something.  Sometimes I really just wish I could be where you are.  The days are hard and long.  Even the good ones.

I had a dream about you this past week.  I think it was your birthday gift to me.  In my dream someone gave you back to me.  It was like you hadn't died but you were just gone for awhile.  When I got you back I nursed you.  It wasn't great because we were out of practice.  Then we looked each other in the eyes until you fell asleep in my arms.  Everything was right again.

Why don't dreams come true.

I love you.

Mama              

It was my birthday today.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Today I turned 32.  I have always looked forward to birthdays in the past.  I love to celebrate really anything worth celebrating.  I wasn't dreading this day like I have dreaded other days like your birthday, Thanksgiving, 6 months, etc.  So I didn't mentally prepare, or process any feelings, I just woke up. I struggled with if I should just tell you that it was a good day...or be honest.  It was hard, harder than I expected.  But it was so good in many ways too.

I woke up this morning and checked my phone like usual.  I checked my Timehop app.  There were many pictures of last year documenting how we spent my birthday.  You were in each picture and it told the story.  We had to take you to a 4 month check up.  Unfortunately you had to get shots this day.  Elo was so concerned and didn't like that you got "hurt".

You actually handled these shots like a pro and cried for less than 30 seconds.  But the rest of the day they made you really clingy to Mama.  I took you back to work with me for the last hour of the day and you did not want anyone else to hold you.  Not even your buddy Mr. Steven.  

I should have taken this as a sign that you were not up to visiting Santa Claus.  But we pressed on!

I absolutely loved these pictures of you and Santa.  We all had to get into the picture because you were so upset.  Elo was obviously very concerned as well.

So I was flooded with these memories as soon as I woke up.  I let the tears come.  I didn't want to celebrate today.  I would give up all my birthdays to have your birthdays.  I texted Aunt Alisa and asked, "How do I have a great day without Haddie?"  You deserved a long life of birthday celebrations.  How do you celebrate anything when you are in a thick haze of grief.  I eventually got out of bed and went to breakfast with your Daddy and Elo.  I came home and worked for awhile and when Elo went down for a nap....so did I. 

I didn't look at my phone until I woke up from my nap.  So many people texted, facebooked, called, to show me love today.  Instead of the traditional birthday wish many included that they were thinking of you today too.  That means everything to me.  I felt loved and when people remember you it means the most.  

We ended the night at Craig's Cruiser with our good friends the Rowden's and the Vance's.  We had a good time.  I smiled, I laughed, I beat Bill on the go carts, he was sore loser.  But we still honored you and remembered you.  I love these two families and they have walked through some of the darkest times with us and we are grateful.  God has given us many people who support us and let us be how we need to be.  Mr. Bill loved to hold you.  They brought us a meal after you were born and stayed until midnight holding you.  

If you were here I would hold you until midnight too...and then some.  

Love you,

Mama

PS.  I am so blown away by the support for Haddie's Calling.  Your story will be told, lives will be saved, we will bring meaning to your death.  I am waiting to preview our first sleep sack and then I will put in my first order.  Once we get our first order I will begin donating your sleep sacks with your story.  I can't wait!  Thank you for everyone's support!!!

Vomit and Word Vomit

Haddie Bo Bo,

Daddy hung up the canvas pictures of you and Eloise in our bedroom.  Eloise and I were laying in my bed because we weren't feeling well.  She looked over at your picture and said, "Haddie jump out of the picture."  She then went on to pretend that you were jumping on the bed with her.  This kind of stuff really just rips me apart.  I love that she remembers you and misses you.  I just hate that she has to pretend these moments.  We should be living these moments.

Haddie's Calling is on it's way!  We have a logo now and a sample sleep sack in the making.  So many people have reached out and supported us.  I feel so grateful that people remember you and want to honor you as much as I do.  We have raised enough to put in our first order!  Pretty soon your story will be reaching new moms, families, daycares, hospitals, churches, etc.  You would be proud.

Your sister got the stomach flu for the first time.  IT WAS HORRIBLE.  Vomit everywhere.  It's so hard to see your child in pain and uncomfortable.  As I was holding her hair and rubbing her back I was thinking that I will never see you this sick.  I won't take care of you and try to make you feel better.

We attended Daddy's work Christmas party this week.  I am glad I went and it was good to see people.  It was also a hard experience.  I got introduced to some new people and had to make small talk.  Which I have always sucked at small talk but now it's even worse.  I sometimes feel the need and urge to just spit it out awkwardly, "My daughter passed away." Like word vomit.  Which just makes everyone feel horrible.  But at the same time I feel like it's just such a huge part of who I am that I can't keep it in.  I feel like if I get it out then maybe they can understand why I am the way I am.  Also I live and breath it everyday so I almost don't know anything else or I have just come to realize that the little stuff just doesn't matter.  So not only am I socially awkward meeting new people I am also socially awkward with the people I have known for years.  I have a hard time sometimes actively participating in a conversation.  Sometimes it's just easier to stay home.  It takes so much energy to interact that most times I find myself sobbing on the way home because I am so spent.

It's also weird to get a glimpse of my former life.  I had to dropped Eloise off at a babysitter that used to watch you too sometimes.  It felt very much like a "regular" day in my old life.  Attending this party was something I used to look forward too.  Sometimes I would help with putting it together.  I sat at a table with the staff I used to manage.  It was easy to let myself pretend that this was still my life.  I miss my old life and I miss you.  I miss how simple life used to be.  I miss waking up without pain.

Love you and I hope you are running and playing and laughing.

Mama

Today Was a Great Day

Haddie Bo Bo,

Today was a great day!  I set up your "Haddie Tree" at Aunt Alisa's gym.  So many people helped me from gluing, cutting, copying, and holding doors open.  It looks amazing and I am so proud.  We are set up to receive donations by check or PayPal and I posted the link on my blog.

I got a phone call today that changed everything.  Halo Sleep called me and agreed to partner with me in this new initiative.  They are willing to sell me the sleep sacks at cost and have them embroidered with our logo.  So for the price of 1 sleep sack in the stores I will be able to purchase 3.5 sleep sacks.  This is great news, it means people's generous donations will go so much farther.  I broke down knowing that your name would be on every single sleep sack.  To get this started I have to purchase an order of 264 sleep sacks which is around $2000.  So that is our first goal!

I found out that the owner of Halo lost a son to SIDS.  After that he quit his "day job" to dedicate his life to researching why babies die of SIDS.  He found out that so many more babies died in the US due to SIDS than in Europe.  It was because Europe used Sleep Sacks-they weren't called that at the time.  

Haddie you were 9 months, 4 days shy of 10 months, when you passed.  The biggest misconception is that only newborns or young babies die from poor Safe Sleep practices.  But that's not true.  Babies up to 12 months shouldn't be sleeping with anything in their crib.  Some babies even after a year.  It is my mission to education parents about the importance of Safe Sleep so that no one has to experience this pain.  

I am blown away by the support and generosity that people have already shown us in the short time since we announced our launch.  We ARE SO GRATEFUL.  I cannot say that enough.   

We love you baby and this is all for you.  I hope you would be proud.  

Love,

Mama