Someday Haddie

Haddie Bo Bo,

Someday I might be able to take a walk and not sob.

Someday I might be able to drive my car longer than 10 minutes without crying.

Someday I might be able to think about what happened to you with out massive anxiety.

Someday I might be able to watch your videos and smile without crying.

Someday I might be able to smile without effort.

Someday I might be able to live without fear of my thoughts.

Someday maybe....but I don't think so.

It's 7:30 on a Sunday night and in our "old life" we would be an hour away from bedtime.  I would probably be counting down the minutes.  So much has changed and I don't feel like I have the same life at all.  Not even a shell.  Our life is so completely different that I don't even recognize it.  

I think back on everything we have lived through the past few months since you have been gone and I can't believe this is my life.  Did this really happen to me?

I can't believe I have to listen to your sister pretend to play with you.  It's cruel torture.

Someday, Haddie, I will see you again.  I will look into your big blue eyes and feel joy.  Someday we will be in heaven together and I won't have to watch videos to see you.  Someday your sister will play with you again, her best friend, and not have to pretend.  Someday our family will be whole again.

Until that day comes Haddie I spend each day remembering you.  I spend each day speaking your name.  I spend each day trying to honor you.  I spend each day keeping you close.  I spend each day keeping you a part of our family.

Love you baby girl.

Mama

It was a bad day.

Haddie Bo Bo,

This week has had it's ups and downs.

Wednesday was an up.  We had some friends ask us to come to Music In The Park in Saugatuck.  The clouds had cleared and the sun came out.  The pizza was delicious the music was good.  Elo danced a lot and we got ice cream.  This is how I like to spend a summer night.

Thursday was a big down.  We woke up to a voicemail that someone we love very much had to go to the hospital, my superhero, my mom.  So I dropped Eloise off at the Brown's and headed downtown. It's about a 40-45 minute ride to Grand Rapids.  So I was by myself in the car driving with no distractions so I thought a lot.  I thought about you.  I thought about your funeral and living through that.  Thinking about it now its a good thing that funerals are within a short time of death.  I was in such shock I was just going through the motions.  My friends and family basically did everything for us.  It would be so much harder to attend your funeral today.  I thought about your last moments and how innocent you were.  It hurts me deep in my core to think of you laying there by yourself.  I go over every detail of that day.  I think about the first responders and if they tried to save you.  Why didn't they just try?  Miracles happen right?  So as I torture myself on this drive to the hospital I am sobbing, screaming, totally losing it.  Then I start to think about my mom and how I am not ready for her to leave me.  I start to have a conversation with God that went something like this.... "I would really, really have a hard time with you if you took my mom too.  Are you really this cruel?"  Which I know those thoughts aren't truth and I was speaking out of anger.

I arrive at the hospital and I walk down the same hallway that I walked when I was in labor with you. I used the same bathroom I used that night.  All I could think about was the last time I was here was to give birth to you, my precious baby girl.  The last time I was here I held you quietly in our room.  I was haunted.  I am haunted almost everywhere I go.

Thankfully I found my mom was doing ok and there is nothing "serious" to worry about at this time.  Just need to make a few adjustments.  After spending time with my mom at the hospital and making sure she was ok I left to come home.  I had gotten a call that your death certificate was ready to be picked up.  Awesome.  So I headed to downtown Holland to meet our amazing funeral director Dave.  I walked in and they are in the middle of a renovation.  I sat down and unloaded on Dave.  I am sure he didn't realize that he has also taken on the job of counselor.  He graciously listened to me as I talked about my out of control thoughts and emotions.  We then took a walk through the chapel to see the work that was being down.  We walked down to the room that I saw you in, held you in, painted your toes in, put your pjs on in, whispered to you in.

Later that night we took Eloise to her preschool open house.  She met her teachers and explored her room.  She is so excited!  Of course my crazy mind went there....I won't be sending you to preschool.  There where tons of families there with there soon to be preschooler and their younger siblings.  Not us.

There is always going to be downs even on our best day.  Every morning I wake up to you not being here and that sucks.  Life will always suck.  Even on the happiest of days life sucks because it's missing you.

Love,

Mama

The many faces of Haddie.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I talk about your toothy grin a lot, but really you have so many "looks"  that I miss.  One of my favorites is a look you gave when you didn't know what something was.  For example there is a picture from your Daddy's birthday party where I was taking a picture of the two of us with a selfie stick.  In the picture you can clearly see your face trying to figure out what the heck is this long stick thing.

One of my favorite pictures of you is when you were making a sad face.  It was taken by your Aunt Emily while I was on our cruise.  She said she had just pulled you away from the stairs and you were starting to cry.  She hoped that you seeing yourself would make you smile.  

Then you would sometimes give me this face.  I feel like this face says, "Not another selfie Mom!"  But how could I not, look how cute you are!

Then there is the face that is hard for me to think about.  The face you gave me when I came into your room the morning I got back from our cruise.  The face that said, "Mom is it really you?"  I don't have a picture of this face but I will never forget it.  It's burned into my memory forever.  I loved it because you were excited, shocked, looked like you needed me all in one little look.  Now I feel like I need you and I want you.

Of course there is the last time I ever saw your face, when I closed your casket.  I think back to that day and I ask myself how I did that.  How do you close the casket on your child, knowing you will never see that face again.  Many days I wonder when I see you in heaven what will you look like?Will you look like the Haddie that left us?   Or will you be grown up?   I really just can't wait for that day to come.

Love you so much baby girl.  I wish I could kiss your perfect cheeks.

Love,

Mama

I miss you in life's big things and the small things.

Haddie Bo Bo,

We just got back from taking Eloise to her first Tiger's Game.  As you know your Daddy loves Tiger's baseball and he has been eagerly awaiting the day Eloise would be old enough to take her to a game.  I still don't know if she was old enough but it was an adventure that's for sure.  We made it though 7 innings and we went broke buying snacks to continuously feed her and keep her occupied.

On Friday we attended our first big family event since you left us.  We were all feeling a little anxious about going, but we are glad we did.  Your Daddy's cousin Elyse got married, and it was the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen.  It was outdoors at a park, the weather was perfect, and the bride was stunning.  They chose to include you in their special day by having a rose on the stage that represented you.  It was so touching and absolutely meant the world to me.  I feel the most loved when people remember you.  The bride walked down the aisle to the same song we sung at your funeral How He Loves Us by David Crowder.  Of course I cried and it made me think of you.  But it was a special moment and it was nice to hear it again because it's truth.  It's always a little bit hard to attend events like a wedding because a million thoughts are going through my head.  Starting with I will never see you get married and have your Daddy give you away.  You won't be your sister's maid of honor and she won't be yours. Many other complicated thoughts that I don't know how to put words to at this moment.    

We also had your cousin Kadon's birthday party on Thursday night.  It was so much fun for Eloise because we went bowling.  The last time we were at this bowling alley was for your cousin Lilah's birthday and you were there too.  Oh how I wish you were here for Kadon's party.  I could just see you tearing through all that wrapping paper and of course trying to eat it.  

A lot of life has happened in these last few days.  So a lot of missing you has happened too.  Even though I have such a good time at these events I am always thinking about you and how you should be here celebrating with us.  Spending time away just the 3 of us is nice because we make memories together but at the same time your absence is screaming in my ear and slapping me in the face.  I have a constant pit in my stomach and lump in my throat.  We came home to this quilt that your Grammy made for me she is so very talented.  

It's every outfit that stood out to me that you wore.  Many of them are just as you left them stained shirts and dirty knees and I wouldn't have it any other way.  When I opened it up Eloise saw it and she immediately started talking about you.  These are Haddie's clothes.  She told me about how you use to bump heads, read stories at bed time, and how she used to feed you.  She remembers you...

I miss you every moment of every day.  I miss you in life's big things and the small things.  I miss you while I peel potatoes, when I put Elo to bed, birthday parties, and even when I sleep I miss you.  

I love you...and I will never understand why this had to happen. 

Love,

Mama

It's a Sacred Memory Now.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I had a dream about you the other night.  It's only the 3rd time I have dreamt about you.  In my dream you were gone and I knew that in my dream.  Somehow I found you in my dream and you were alive.  You were sitting in your car seat just waiting for me.  I picked you up and I don't remember saying anything, but I remembering feeling elated to know you were alive.  Life made sense.

Yesterday I met up with Dave our funeral director.  He is truly amazing and has such a big heart.  I met him downtown Holland at the funeral home.  Before you passed I would drive by that funeral home several times a week.  Never knowing that part of our story would unfold there.  I can't drive by that place without remembering the special time we spent with you there.  I remember being nervous to see you that day because we didn't know what to expect.  But I was anxious to see you because it had been so long since I saw you, held you, rubbed your little head.  I gave Dave a long list of things I want to do with you and he worked so hard to make that all happen for me.  I will forever be grateful to him for taking such good care of you.  God truly orchestrated that day to make it perfect.  

Many places are like that now; they hold new meaning.  Daddy met Uncle Eric for lunch a couple weeks back and when I asked where they went he said, "Boatwerks."  "You did!?" I said completely shocked.  We ate there as a family a week before you passed.  It was our favorite place to eat in Holland.  After dinner we took you and Elo down to the water to see the ducks.  Then we walked over to the park to play.  It was a beautiful night and I just remembering thinking that day that this is how life should be.  I pushed you on the swing and you loved it.  You flashed your toothy grin and giggled away.  It was such a perfect night that I felt it was setting the tone for the rest of the summer.  I am not ready to go back to Boatwerks without you.  It's a sacred memory now.

That's the bittersweet thing, Haddie, we came home from our cruise and you passed 2 weeks later.  Those two weeks were the best two weeks ever.  During that time we spent so much time together as a family making the best memories.  I am so thankful I have those to look back on.  Although sometimes I have to admit I look back on them and I get angry and sad.  They are good times that we spent together but we should be making more memories together.  Your story was cut short.  I look at your videos and you are such a sweet soul, full of life.  You would have down amazing things and I know that you still will even though you aren't here.

You are my angel, my darling, my star, and I know my love will find you where ever you are.

Love you,

Mama

It's Always Missing You

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday was a good day.  I had lunch with some friends I haven't seen in awhile and it did my heart good.  I also climbed some stairs at the beach with another friend and it was good for my soul.  

After the walk at the beach my friend stayed for dinner.  I was chopping up a sweet potato in the kitchen when I overheard Eloise tell her, "Haddie is my best friend."  Melts my heart and breaks it at the same time.  

When we had your birthday party we had asked people to bring you a gift that we would donate.  That day it was so hard to open your gifts.  You should have been there tearing them apart.  You would have loved them, Haddie.  Yesterday I put stickers on the toys that said, "Donated in memory of Hadley Sue Bromley.  8/4/14-6/2/15."  I boxed them up and took them to the Holland Rescue Mission.  The girl at the desk said that there was a little girl who just turned one and she would love them.  As I turned to walk out tears streamed down my face.  Leaving all of your toys there was harder than I thought it would be.  I am so glad that they can go to someone that needs them.  

Even though it was a good day I still cried myself to sleep with your daddy holding me.  No matter how good the day is its always missing you Bo Bo.  

Love you so much it hurts.

Love,

mama

Autopsy.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I am came home from my girls trip and greeted your Daddy and sister with hugs and kisses.  Then your Daddy held up an envelope and said, "This came."  It was your autopsy report.  We have waited and waited for this to be finalized, and here it was.  I have only skimmed it but it's unthinkable that I am reading a autopsy report for you, my daughter.  I was sad on my drive home thinking about you not being there when I walked in the door.  So it hit me like a slap in the face that you weren't there but instead your autopsy report was.  

I read the summary of what "happened" to you and it angered me.  14:44pm was your time of death.  What was I doing at 14:44pm that day?  Nothing that mattered I can tell you that.  Not thinking about you.  Cause of death: suffocation.  Manner of death: accident.  An accident is a fall, a car crash, or something like that.  I know that your death wasn't intentional.  It was in most people's eyes a tragic accident.  But accident doesnt sit well with me.  I should have trusted my gut, Haddie.  There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't be here.  It's a surreal feeling reading a document that a parent should never have to read.  It was like another sign reminding me that this really happened.  You are really gone.  Someone cut you up and made sure there was no way for you to come back.  I know that sounds crazy.  I am reading, 90 Minutes in Heaven, and in the book the guy dies for 90 minutes.  He was pronounced dead but he came back.  So of course my mind asks a million questions.

Why couldn't you have came back?
Did they try hard enough to save you?
Were you really dead before they took you?

Every time I see an ambulance I wonder if those where the people that decided you couldn't be saved. Did they made the decision that you had been gone for too long?  

Oh how I wish we were telling a different story.

I know peoples lives go on, they have too.  It's so strange to see picture of people enjoying life, celebrating events, and looking forward to the future.  Hopefully this doesn't sound mean because that is not my intentions.  But I really do feel alone in this.  Even people who loved you so much can seem to move on.  They can enjoy life with out this grief weighing on, them each moment of everyday, crushing them.  This is my day in and day out life.  I can see how easy it is to exclude people and hide.  I don't want people to feel bad about their lives because mine is this way.  I don't expect people to feel how I feel, or be how I am.  So it's definitely easier to stay to myself, to stay home, to not talk about it.

On a happier note the weather has been beautiful and we spent today outside.  I laid on a chair in the sun, reading a book, while I watched your sister play.  I couldn't help but think there is no way I would be able to sit in this chair if you were here!  I would give anything to be chasing you around the back yard, trying to slather sun screen on you.

Already reading chapter books.  She's advanced.

I love you baby girl.

Love,

Mama

I am a complete lunatic

Haddie Bo Bo,

I had a moment this weekend where I was walking around the mall, which is a normal activity, when all of a sudden it hit me.  It was like I awoke suddenly from a dream.  What am I doing?  My daughter is dead I shouldn't be just walking around this mall.  Most of the time I am just going through the motions.  Doing normal things so I look normal.  Doing things to make me look like I am doing "okay".  When if anyone could read my thoughts they would think I am a complete lunatic.

The girls trip was good and I am glad I went.  We arrived back at our original meeting spot said our goodbyes and I got in the car.  I started driving home and lost it.  I couldn't help but think about how you wouldn't be there to greet me.  It's such an unexplainable feeling.  Longing to be at home with your sister and your Daddy, but at the same time fearing it.  I had a tiny escape for a few days, but I am coming home to the same thing.  The reality of my life with out you.  I wailed most of the way home and I haven't sobbed like that in awhile.  I even texted your Daddy the night before asking, "Will Bo Bo be there when I get back?"  He replied, "I love you..."  The one question I asked the whole drive home, "Why us? Why my sweet baby girl?"    

Sometimes I pray for God to take me.  Because I want to be with you so bad.  I read this last night and I so look forward to that day, Haddie.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/08/one-sweet-day/?utm_source=feedblitz&utm_medium=FeedBlitzRss&utm_campaign=stillstandingmagazine

It will be so sweet and I truly long for it.

People are talking about fall, some with anticipation.  The change of the seasons makes me feel anxious.  You passed away in summer, so I don't want it to ever end.  Fall is one more reminder that this world goes on whether I want it to or not.  My life feels like it has stopped but the world keeps going.  The leaves will change colors and fall and before we know it there will be snow on the ground.  Farther and farther away from you.

I was trying to explain this to your Daddy today, but I don't think I did a very good job.  It feels like it's been forever since you have been here in our house.  I am starting to forget what it was like to have you here.  Then it sometimes feels like, "Where you ever really here?"  Today my heart is in a million pieces and my brain is complete a mess.

I just wish you would have been here today when I walked in that door....a miracle.  Or maybe I would just wake up from this nightmare that is my life.

 I hope heaven has AC because it's a hot one down here!

Love,

Mama

Coming Home

Haddie Bo Bo,

I have been away on a girls get away for the past few days.  Earlier this year I had a work trip in Chicago and I took Aunt Alisa on it with me.  She got to shop, get massages, etc. while I sat in my classes.  She invited me on her trip to Indianapolis for USA Gymnastics National Congress and Competition.  This was all planned before you left us.  So here I am in Indianapolis I was nervous to come and leave your sister home.  But your Daddy encouraged me to go.

Last night we watched the woman's competition.  It's all very exciting because the Olympics are next year and it all starts now.  I met Shannon Miller today, she was my favorite gymnast growing up.

 I have been able to see old friends and laugh over good memories.  Going on a trip before you past had a very different feeling than it does now.  Before I would love a weekend a way with no kids, being able to have some adult time.  I would be able to enjoy the getaway and be happy to come home refreshed.  I would be so excited to walk in the house and hear you in the living room babbling.   I would see your face light up as you crawled your little body as fast as you could over to me.  I would pick you up and give you kisses on your cheeks and rub your head.  I would hug you tight and smell you and probably sing you some ridiculous made up song.  So it is a very different feeling being away knowing that when I come home you won't be there.  None of that will happen.  Ever again.

I have been missing your sister more than I would have in the past.  Probably because when you loose a child it takes a lot more to leave your children.  We facetime several times a day.  Your Daddy is spoiling her of course and letting her do things that Mama would never let her do!

I get so restless knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix this.  I keep looking for quick fix or even a long fix.  There just isn't one.  There are so many layers to having another baby.  I never saw us having just one living child.  Eloise lost her sister and I was so happy that she had you.  Having you was a dream come true.  So I feel like I want to still give her another sister.  But the problem with that is I can't give her you and that's what I really want more than anything.  Somedays I think having another baby is what we should do.  I am sure the baby will bring us joy.  But it will be so hard to hold another baby that isn't you.  I think I will feel like by having another baby I would be betraying you.  Sometimes I feel like I am supposed to spend the rest of my life missing you and being sad.  I am ok with that because right now I do not feel like life could be any other way.   People say to me a lot, "Remember the good times with Haddie."  I do remember them and cherish them but they also make me so very sad.  The good times remind me of how life should be, and what I don't have.

Life is so different without you.

Love,

Mama

"Haddie come back to me"

Haddie Bo Bo,

Your sister amazes me everyday.  She is getting so big and I love every minute of being her mom.  She brings me so much joy and I love how she remembers you and loves you.  Yesterday she was getting up from her nap and I could hear her talking to your Daddy.  She was saying, 'I want my "Haddie bear".  This is the teddy bear she got from CPS the day you died.  It's crazy to me that she connects that bear to you.  I have never referred to it as a "Haddie Bear".  She then started saying, "My Haddie came back to me."  I think she must have had a dream about you.  It was so precious to hear her talk about you.  Of course I always think about the sadness that comes along with that.  It's sad that she has to dream about you.  You should be here with her, playing with her, not in a dream.

Today I was driving her in the car to a friends house.  She asked if I could put her window down, so I did.  She then said, "Haddie's window too."  In her mind that spot in the car is still yours.  Your bedroom is still, "Haddie room".  If I try to give her a cup that you used she says, "Haddie cup".  It's heart warming and heart breaking at the same time.  

When I think about the loss of you for Eloise I get so pissed.  It's so not fair.  Eloise is so young and I wonder how much she does know what's going on.  Will she need counseling someday?  Will she actually have memories of you?  Bubble Guppies is Elo's favorite show and this one episode they are playing with tools.  Each tool they showed has a fun noise that went along with it.  So a saw went zip zip zip.  A hammer went bam bam bam.  So we used to play this game with you.  We would grab your feet and move your legs back and forth like a saw and say zip zip zip zip.  Then we would grab your feet and move them up and down like a hammer and say bam bam bam bam.  You loved it and giggled up a storm and Elo loved doing it too.  She would always say, "My turn, Hads."

The last sister moment I remember of you two together was Sunday night before you died.  We were watching the movie Rio as a family and eating ice cream.  Eloise was feeding you ice cream like the amazing big sister she is.   When she thought you had enough she took the bowl and said, "Here Mama, Haddie no more."

We love you baby girl.

Love,

Mama and Elo Belo

I only miss you when I'm breathing

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday we woke up and made our way down stairs.  We fiddled around doing little stuff around the house.  I can't remember if it was breakfast or lunch but we were sitting at the table quiet.  I look up and see your daddy with tears rolling down his cheeks.  This does not happen often usually I am the one that cries.  I got off my chair walked over to your Daddy and we held each other as we cried.
Sometimes it's to much Haddie.  The pain is too great and we just can't function.  It was a nice morning missing you.  Is it weird to say it was a nice moment to spend together? I guess it's nice because we are so rarely on the same page when it comes to our grief.

I feel like every day we are hearing a story about devastation or tragedy and it hits us on a new level. We have both talked about how more sensitive we are too the tragedy that happens around us.  The amount of these events probably haven't changed we probably just have a new view of it since we know how it feels when it happens.  It's personal now.  Life is so crazy.  "Live every day like it's your last" really has new meaning.  6/2/15 was a normal day and I think about how fast my life has changed.  A 24 second phone call turned my world upside down permanently.

I was talking to your Daddy about how fun our cruise was that we went on a couple weeks before you passed.  We were so happy and I find myself wanting to escape and go on a cruise again to get that same feeling.  But that feeling doesn't exist anymore.  I remember having the best time and thinking about my girls at home.  I missed you guys so and I loved seeing the pictures that Aunt Emily, Grandma, and Mimi would send us.  I was so happy because I got to come home and see you.  You and your sister were waiting for us to come home.  We talked in the car today about going on another cruise and how it would be different.  He said, "Nothing is quite right anymore.  I miss life without this pit in my stomach."  When we got home from that cruise we had that birthday party for your Daddy and it was perfect.  Looking back life really was a fairy tale.

I had a fairy tale life.  Missing you baby girl.

Love,

Mama

You are calling me by name.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday I attended a retreat called "Carried" for mothers who have all lost a child.  I was nervous to go not knowing what to expect.  I walked in to a room of around 25-30 mothers.  Mothers who have walked the same journey that I am walking.  Some have walked this road for years and years.  Mother's who have felt all of the same feelings I have felt.  The first thing we had to do was put a picture of our child on a board.  This board had all of the children we had lost and their names.  This was the hardest part of the whole day for me.  I put your picture on the board with your name below it, "Hadley Sue Bromley".  I stood back and looked at your picture as it hung beside the others.  Tears started to fall, "Why is your picture up there?"   I was screaming in my head, "Why my baby?"  I can't even explain the feeling of seeing you up there.  My sweet baby.  Something felt so wrong to have your picture up there.  Like I was hurting you somehow.  I went to the bathroom and cried in the stall questioning, "Should I be here?" This is the picture I put up:

Overall the day was very good.  We listened to many stories of loss and redemption.  I am glad I went and connected with these ladies.  Everyone looked so normal you couldn't tell that they had lost a child.  Sometimes in groups I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.  A speaker said it's normal to not feel like you fit in, to have a hard time speaking, and interacting.  I am a changed person, I am not the same, I will never be the same.  But those things will get better with time and come back.   One thing I was not prepared to do what to talk about you to strangers.  People would say, "Tell me about Hadley."  I have never really thought about how I would answer that question.  It was hard and I hated it.  No matter what I said about you didn't seem to do you justice.   

I was reading Shelley Ramsey's blog called Grief with Hope and she totally summed up how I feel about my relationship with God.  She wrote about time healing this wound.  She says, "Time does not heal.  God heals in His time."  I believe that with all of my heart.  This wound of you not being here will never heal, But God will heal my heart.  It's how I am feeling with my relationship with God.  My relationship with God has to heal.  Gwen from Starlight Ministries gave an analogy yesterday.  She told a story about a Husband and a wife and the wife saw a young couple so in love sitting next to each other in the car. The guy was in the drivers seat and the girl sitting in the middle next to him.  The wife says, "Remember when we use to be like that, so in love? What happened?"  The husband replies, "I know what happened, I never moved.  I'm still sitting right here."  It's the wife that moved farther away.  That's how it is with God.  He hasn't moved away from me.  But because of the pain I am in I did.  The thing is I yell at God one minute and the next I am clinging to him for comfort.  Yesterday I heard that many of those ladies are doing the same thing....and it's ok.  

Today is Sunday and we didn't make it to church.  I drove to the grocery store and this song came on.  It spoke to my heart in the lines, "You heal the brokenness inside and give us light."  "You are calling us all by name."  I know God is calling me by name and he loves me.  I knew he was calling my name in that moment.  It was the first time since you died that I was quiet enough to hear God speaking to my heart.     

Haddie life sure does suck without you.  I miss you baby!

Love, 

Mama

Are you really in Heaven?

Haddie Bo Bo,

I would have done anything, Haddie.  I would have chosen anything else than this.  I wouldn't think twice about sacrificing myself if I had been given the option.  Whether that means me instead of you, or a different type of life altering tragedy.  You did not deserve this, you were helpless.  You depended on others completely for your care and safety.  It is easy to say that I would take on any other tragedy because I have experienced the tragedy of losing you.  Of hearing those life shattering words, "Your daughter has passed."

Tomorrow I am attending a Bereaved Mom's Retreat put on by Starlight Ministries.  A friend signed me up with my permission.  This friend has also experienced the loss of a child.  I have many different feelings about attending this event.  I am nervous because I don't know what to expect.  Most of all I feel pissed that I fall into a category of "Bereaved Mom's". Why does this apply to me?  Again I find myself in this club that I never ever wanted to be in.  With that being said the club that I am in does offer so much support and love and understanding.  Some day down the road I might be that Mom offering support to a new member of the club.  Although I hope and pray that I never have to do that....odds are that I will.

Day 3 of potty training has proven successful.  We have had no accidents and we even went on an excursion to South Haven.  It is definitely a different experience carrying around a potty with you everywhere you go.  We have no shame.  Is it to early to say that I think this is it?!  I think we are out of diapers.  Which when I think about it I should still be buying diapers for you.  I would gladly go broke buying you diapers baby girl.  You will always be 9 months old and my precious Bo Bo.  Now with every new thing I experience with Elo comes the thought that I will never experience it with you.

For most of my life I have had this strong faith in God.  I would still say that is true.  But sometimes I find myself wondering are you really in heaven, Haddie?  Do I really believe that?  Or is this something we tell ourselves to make us feel better about life?  Am I a bad Christ Follower because I question that?  And even sometimes doubt that?  Losing you has really changed somethings.  I still pray.  I know in my heart that God is real and loves me.  But I am mad...MAD.  It's weird to be mad at God but still look to Him for comfort.  I saw a post on facebook the other day of a family.  I know that a picture on facebook doesn't always tell the whole story.  The caption on the photo was, "God is Good".  Reading that I felt cynical.  It's so easy to say "God is good" when things are perfect or going well.  It's hard to say "God is good" when your child is gone.  I do not fault this person for saying that and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad for posting whatever they post.  So please know that is not my intention.  It's more about me and where I am at not about the picture and the comment.  Living my life right now saying "God is good"  is hard.  But I know in my heart I believe it, but because I am mad I am not going to say it.  Because I am stubborn. Because I am not ready.  Because My God can handle my anger.  Because I believe He grieves with me so He is mad too.

I have said it before, but I thought my miscarriages would be our greatest tragedy of our lives.  I know this is a horrible thought so I shouldn't say it out loud, but anyone who knows me knows I say what I think 110% of the time.  But when you died, Haddie, I couldn't help but think really...can't it get spread out a little bit?  Don't get me wrong I would never wish this on anyone else.  But yes I am saying it, "Why me God?"  If I sound like I am whining, I am.  Why give us this beautiful baby girl who is sweet beyond words to take her away 9 months later?  I know that there are people out there who have a much worse story than mine.  But mine still hurts too and I think that it's ok if I have a whiny-woe's me day.

I love you baby....

Mama

Potty Training Day 2

Haddie Bo Bo,

We are on day 2 of potty training Eloise.  She is doing fantastic!  She has such a personality and brings so much joy to us.  I am sure she would have been potty trained along time ago if I had been more consistent.  Sometimes it's just easier to put a diaper on than to worry about finding a potty, accidents, travel, etc.  However we have only had 1 accident today so we are well on our way to being 100% potty trained.  Eloise is going to be starting preschool two days a week in a little less than a month.  I think this will be great for her and she will love it.  She is used to being around other kids and having more structure from being in full-time daycare.  Then one day that changed for her and she has been home with her parents ever since with let's just say not so much struture.

In one day so many things changed for our family.  The biggest thing being you not being here.  We only have one carseat in our car.  We are a party of 3 when we go out to eat, and we only need 1 highchair.  We only have 1 income for our family.  We go to bed much later and sleep in much later.  I watch a lot more TV since you have been gone to drown out my thoughts.  My left arm is weaker because your not on my hip.  Bed time isn't as fun anymore.  Mornings are definitely much easier in a bad way.  Reading Eloise the book, Sister's Forever,  brings tears instead of smiles.  But last night when she asked me to read it too her we had a talk about how you are always her sister, and how you are with her no matter what she does.

I don't know if I totally agree with this quote because losing you was pretty darn hard.  But living with out you has been torture.  I am constantly at war with myself.  Obviously we are all still living and we have no choice but to go on.  There are moments that I do not want to live without you.  It would be easier to not be here, yes.  Does that mean I am suicidal, absolutely not.  There are even times where I have spoken out loud, "I don't want to do this anymore."  Meaning I don't want to live with out you anymore.  It wasn't my choice to lose you and the pain can be unbearable.  I despise everything about it.  Even though I think those thoughts and I feel those feelings I do not feel or think about harming myself.  Why is that?  I don't know.  I just know that is not what I am feeling when I say those things.  I don't want to live like this....but I have to.  And if I have to then I am going to make the most out of it.  Eloise will not say in 20 years that her mother was lost after losing Haddie.  She will not say that she felt not as loved or forgotten.  She will say how full her life was and how her parents made the best of a really sucky situation.  Don't think we are all rosy down here all the time, Haddie.  We have dark times, many sad times.  Times where we look at each other and say, "This sucks".  Your birthday party was one of those times.  As fun as it was and as special as we made it we still felt like this:

We had therapy today and I think our therapist is questioning if he can handle us.  It's our 3rd time going and I think he is finally starting to see who we are or at least who I am.  We were talking about being assertive in our relationship and how there is extreme assertiveness and the opposite.  Well he learned very quickly where I fall I that scale and anyone who knows me knows that too.  Anyway it was the first time in counseling that we both didn't cry the entire time and it was actually enjoyable.  Hopefully he has us back!  The first couple times we went we were so emotional just being there.  I think the couch you sit on has some sort of powers that immediately make you sob by just sitting on it.  The first time we went I was crying before I even got my name out....not just tears the loud, ugly cry, with the face and the snot.

Well Hads....I am off to make sure Eloise didn't pee all over the couch.  Even though you both have peed all over the couch many times so really what does it matter???  I love you so very much and I wish I could hold you and rub your bald head.

Love,

Mama

Happy 1st Birthday Bo Bo

Haddie Bo Bo,

Happy Birthday Baby your one!  A year ago today I pulled you out and cuddled with you on my chest.  I held you in my hospital room and it was quiet just you, me, and Daddy.  I nursed you and stared at you wondering who you were and how you would fit into our family.  

Yesterday I woke up to many sweet messages on facebook wishing you a Happy Birthday and prayers for us.  I cried as I read every single one of them.  Some very good friends of ours took Eloise and her buddy Hollis to the zoo for the morning.  Eloise loved it!  I was told that she sang you Happy Birthday several times.  She misses you so much, Bo Bo.

 I went out to breakfast with Aunt Emily, Aunt Alisa, and Crew.  Then it was back to the house to prep for your party.  I decorated the kitchen with all things "Haddie".  I wanted this day to be about you and celebrating you and remembering you.  The day really was perfect, the sun was shining with a light breeze, and it was warm.  We had a blast hanging around the pool watching your friends swim, blow you bubbles, play with chalk, and chase each other around the yard.  We ate good food and had cake and ice cream.  Then I opened your gifts; people were so generous and thoughtful.  I shed many tears as I opened them and thought about how cute you would be in the outfits.  How you would have loved to play with the toys.  Your very own toys, not your sister's toys, that you had to play with when she wasn't looking.  We are donating all of your gifts to children your age that needs them.

The day went just how I thought your birthday would go....except I never imagined you wouldn't be here to enjoy it.  Although I don't think you would have loved all the attention.  You would have clung to me as people would have tried to hold you (and I would have loved it).  You would have played in the balls with Crew and splashed in the water in the kiddie pool.  You would have been running all around, hopefully saying Mama, and flashing your adorable toothy grin.

Once it turned dark we headed down to the water to send you a lantern.  We sent you 1 purple lantern and watched as it floated into the dark sky until we couldn't see it anymore.  I didn't want the day to end.  I wanted to hold on to every second because I felt like I was holding on to you.  

During the festivities I was okay.  I enjoyed it and I felt so blessed that people remembered you by calling, texting, sending cards, flowers, and just showing up.  Today I woke up and I felt sad and empty.  We will always celebrate your birthday sweet girl even when I am 80 years old.  August 4th is your day and we will never ever forget who you are to our family and the joy you brought us.   There are certain things a parent should never have do and having a birthday party without their child is near the top of that list.  But we honored you today and had fun doing it and I think you loved it.  I hope Jesus gave you the biggest hug and sang you Happy Birthday today.  We sure did miss you down here.

Love,

Mama

2 months.

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

2 months.  61 days. 5,270,400 seconds, 87,840 minutes. 1,464 hours. 8 weeks and 5 days.  Since I have seen your bright blue eyes.  Since I have held you.  Since I have smelled your sweet smell.  Since you have bit me.  Since you have crawled up me.  Since you have followed me around the kitchen.  Since I have fed you a bottle.  Since I have laid you down to sleep.  Since we have cuddled. Another month has gone by without you.  How is it possible?  In some ways it seems like so very long.  In others it has gone so fast.

When I think about the "lasts" it seems so long.  Now that I look forward to the time I see you again it seems like an eternity and it's only been two months.  Gosh this is going to take forever.  One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is there isn't a day that I don't cry for you.  That I don't long for you.  That I don't ache for you.  That I don't feel a huge hole in my life.

Yesterday I got a message from a friend from a long time ago.  She started by saying that she wanted to reach out sooner but didn't know what to say.  It is very rare that something makes me feel better. So I was surprised how the words she wrote to me was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.  I have actually read and reread her message because it has quieted my heart when my heart is freaking out.  I hope she doesn't care that I am sharing it but I guess I'd rather ask for forgiveness than permission.  :)

I want to you to know I am praying circles around your family. I promise to pray specifically over the details of your day. I will pray for those moments that you can't breathe, that God breaths for you. For those moments you don't even have the strength to move, that God moves you. I will be praying that every day you just get through that day. I will pray for all of your firsts now, I will pray that you never feel that your daughter is forgotten.

Thank you friend.

Haddie the days are still long and hard without you. I don't expect that to change. I just want to be the best mom I can be to Eloise. I want to be the best mom I can be to you. I want to be the best wife I can be to your Daddy.

You are mine and I will always carry you with me.

Love,

Mama

Betraying her by having you.

Haddie Bo Bo,

The night I went into the hospital to have you I remember looking at Eloise as she slept in her bed.  I cried because I knew her world was about to change.  The next time I would see her she would be a big sister.  I had spent almost 2 years with just her and your Daddy.  I was scared I wouldn't be able to love another child as much as I loved Eloise.  I felt like I was betraying her by having you.  I even made a post on Facebook asking other mothers if they felt that way when they had their second. But from the moment you came into this world you were the perfect fit for our family.  For a few days shy of 10 months I had the dream life.  What I would give for one of our lazy Saturdays playing in our living room.

I never could have dreamt how you perfectly completed our family. I was so worried how you coming into our lives would change it.  Now I am sitting her realizing how you not being in our lives has changed everything.  I keep subconsciously searching for the cure to heal our brokenness.  It's not there.  It never will be there.  I try to do the "normal" things that used to make me feel better or happy.  None of it works it brings me right back to you every time.

It kind of bothers me when I hear people say, "She seems to be doing well."  My days suck in and out and I am just trying my best for my daughters, for the daughter that is here and the daughter who isn't.  If I am I enjoying a moment by laughing, or smiling it does not mean that I am not grieving.  It does not mean that I didn't cry myself to sleep the night before.  It doesn't mean that I didn't have to give myself a pep talk before going anywhere.  It makes me feel like if I am not laying in my bed crying that I am not missing you.  But there is no winning.  If I did lay in my bed most days then people would have something else to say.  People always have something to say.  Which of course I am reminded of every time I have ever had a thought about anyone so I need to to show a little grace. We are all human.  Oh the lessons we learn in the hardest of times.
  
Today is absolutely gorgeous outside.  It's sunny, 80 degrees, a light breeze, and it's the almost perfect day.  It really seems like a cruel joke.  Days like this shouldn't exist with out you.  The weather should always match the mess that is inside of me.  I had the perfect family for this perfect day.  We should be floating in our pool together.

 Today I went to the store with Eloise to order your birthday cake.  I told Eloise it was your birthday soon and we were going to celebrate you.  She started singing to you....

We love you Haddie Bo Bo...

Love,

Mama