Can You Feel Me When I Think About You?

Haddie Bo Bo,

You are missed every moment of every day.  This week has been a very busy week.  I am undecided on what is better, being at home and overwhelmed with thoughts of you.  So overwhelmed that I cry and scream.  Or being so busy that I don't have time to think about you.  Today we got home from a busy day at the lake and as soon as I sat down on the couch I started to cry and didn't stop for 45 minutes.  There is no escaping this grief.  No matter if I sit and let it overcome me or if I am so busy that I don't let myself feel it.

Grief sometimes makes me feel like I am losing my mind.  I think crazy thoughts.  Sometimes I can't even explain them, but I will try.  Even though I held your cold body, closed your casket, and have your ashes on a shelf, I have a hard time believing you are gone.  Forever gone.  There are times I wonder if you will come back.  If we have another baby will it be you?  Why can't you come back?  If I believe in God, pray enough, cry enough, will you come back?  Sometimes I pray fervently through the day that God comes and takes us now! This minute!  My emotions can go from happy to screaming in seconds.  None of it makes sense.  I don't make sense anymore.  Sometimes I function normally and no one would know.  Other times I can barely form a sentence.

I am not alone.  I have your sassy, spicy sister, your Daddy, many framily that love me.  They would all drop anything to answer my call, or sit with me.  But I do FEEL alone.  Your Daddy and I talked about it the other day that no matter how amazing our friends are they can't truly understand how we feel.  I hope they never understand.  But even though your Daddy has experienced this same loss sometimes I feel like even he doesn't understand how I feel as a mother.  As a Daddy he feels all sorts of things that I can't understand and as a mother I feel things he doesn't understand.  He will be the first to admit that you were just starting to get to the age where he was bonding with you.  Up until now I took care of you mostly and Daddy took care of Eloise.  There was a Daddy kid and a Mama kid.  It was you and me.  I never complained about you waking me up anywhere from 5:30-7am.  I loved it baby.  It was our time to cuddle in bed.  No one else was awake it was our special time.  Sometimes you went back to sleep in my arms and others we played in bed.  Two weeks before you passed your Daddy and I went on a cruise.  It was so hard to be away from you, and looking back I wish we didn't leave you.  We got home at 2:30am and I walked into your room.  There you were sleeping, booty in the air.  It took everything in me not to pick you up.  I rubbed your head and went to bed.  Early the next morning I heard you talking to yourself in your room.  I was so excited to go get you I didn't care that I only got 4 hours of sleep.  I walked in and you looked at me like, "Mama is it really you."  Then your toothy grin appeared and I scooped you up.  It felt so good to hold you after not holding you for a whole week.  It has now been 59 days since I've held you...

My arms feel so empty with out you.  I wish I could lay in my bed and hear you in your room.  COME BACK HADDIE....please.

These are 5 days before you passed...

Love,

Mama

Birthday Party Anxiety

Haddie Bo Bo,

This time next week I will have lived through your 1st birthday.  I had started planning your birthday before you had even past away.  I have a lot of anxiety when I think about your birthday.  There will be no 1 year pictures.  There will be no highly anticipated cake smash.  Your 1st birthday will be much different than I had planned in my head.  

No mother should have to figure out how to honor their daughter on her first birthday because she passed away.  But here I am planning a day that celebrates you,  because you deserve it.  Because you are still part of our family forever.  I don't know how I will feel on that day.  I can imagine not wanting to get out of bed.  I foresee many tears and conversations that start with, "We should be..." Or, "Remember when..."  Although your life was short it was so meaningful and full. As much as I hate to admit it you did fulfill your purpose here on earth.  Of course I will always say you were taken too soon and you were robbed of a long happy life. 

I bought a book from a lady who has also lost a child.  It's called, "You are the mother of all mothers".  

This is a quote from the book and I feel like it sums up how I feel about planning your birthday party.  I am and always will be your mother and its part of my identity.  Figuring out how to still be your mother while you aren't here is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I feel like that has been taken from me and I get mad when I think about it.  It's easy to know what to do for a child who is here.  How do you take care of a child that doesn't need me anymore?

Haddie I went to a play date today with some sweet friends from high school.  They got me a beautiful necklace with your name on it and Eloise's name.  It also has two crystals that represent the two babies I miscarried.  I felt so loved.  It is always a good feeling when people remember you.  Because I am constantly remembering you.

I love you sweet baby.  You are always in my mind and in my heart.  

Love,

Mama

We look like a normal family.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Since you have died I have met several parents who have lost a child.  What's crazy about that is many of them I had known or already met them but I didn't know they had lost a child.  Funny thing is parents who have lost a child look normal on the outside.  I had never known the trauma and sadness that they experience until they told me.  This makes me look at the world differently.  This past weekend at the waterpark there were so many parents and so many kids.  I remember looking around and seeing parents holding their babies and feeling jealous because they looked normal and like they had a normal happy family.  But just because they look normal doesn't mean they are.  Looking around I couldn't help but think, "How many parents here have experienced the same tragedy as me?"  This also makes me wonder how many times I have not knowingly hurt one of these parents.  Hurt them by just being that "perfect happy family", saying the wrong thing, etc.  But now being part of that group I know that it's not the perfect family that is "hurting" me.  It's the the experience of losing your child.  After something like that everything hurts.  A sunny day hurts.  Birthday parties hurts.  Family gatherings, family pictures, trips to Meijers, everything hurts.  But I can't avoid the hurt, because it's everyday, every moment.  So it's ok that it hurts because that's my new normal.

We did make it to the Saturday night service at Ridge Pointe for church.  On the drive there we were quiet, both inside our heads.  I started to feel the anxiety rising as I pulled in.  The last time I pulled in that parking lot was for your funeral.  Eloise had fallen asleep on the way there....of course.  So we headed into the service with her asleep on Daddy's shoulder.  The music started to play and I started to cry.  I couldn't bring myself to sing any of the songs.  I sat there and read the words with tears streaming down my face.  I know I can and should find comfort in God but my heart isn't ready yet.  I am still mad.  It's hard to sing a song about wanting God to do what He wants with my life when that meant you not being here.   When Eloise woke up I left the service to take her to her class.  I started to check her in on the computer and you weren't there.  They had taken you off our sign in page.  I know they did it thinking of me and that it might be hard seeing your face.  I took Eloise down the preschool hall and I didn't look down the nursery hall where your class is.  The Sunday before you past your Daddy and I were working in the preschool class.  I remember looking down the hall and seeing the supervisor carrying you around on her hip.  I didn't want to look down that hall and not see you.  Overall the first experience back at church was good.  Aunt Emily and Uncle Aaron were there to help us through.  I emailed the lady in charge of the kids program and asked if she can put you back on our sign in page.  She said, "Of course!"  You are still a part of our family and that will never change.  I will always say, "My girls."

Love,

Mama

This was you that last Sunday Morning on our way to church

This was on the way home from church...those cheeks.

I have a secret.

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

There are so many 1st's I have to experience after you passed.  I hate each one because they remind me that life moves on and I have no choice.  This weekend we will attempt to return to church for the 1st time.

There is so much about this life that I hate now.  Mostly I hate waking up every morning and having to deal with you not being here all over again.  I hate the feelings that build up inside of me and I have no outlet for them.  These past few days we have been in the Motor City attending a Tigers game for a company picnic.  We stayed overnight because Daddy had a meeting the next day for work.  Your Mimi and I took Eloise to a nearby waterpark.  It was so much fun, and Eloise had a blast, and I loved seeing her smile.   At the park I watched other mothers carry around their babies while they watched their older child play in the water.  I saw a daddy asleep in a lounge chair with his baby girl asleep on his chest.  I saw you everywhere I looked.

 We went to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe because what kid wouldn't love seeing the animals move and the fish swim in the aquariums?  Well Eloise did not love it.  The animals and thunderstorms scared her and she hid almost the whole time.  Even with the Rainforest experience we had a great time away.  But I just kept thinking that none of this heals the hurt I feel.  No matter how many shirts I buy, or laughs we have it doesn't change how I feel.  Although I have moments of joy and it doesn't take away the pain.  It's like putting a bandaid on a bleeding wound.  It may slow it down but it continues to bleed.  I am happy when I see your sister happy.  I smile on the outside and I laugh when she laughs.  But half of me inside feels dead and I don't think it will ever become alive again.  Haddie, I am in pieces for you.  And I hate absolutely hate living without you.  I am not going to pretend that life is good. There are good moments, but living with out you is torture and I will never be okay with it.

Last night Eloise said, "Mama, I have a secret. Come closer."  I bent down, and turned my ear towards her.  She cupped her hands and whispered, "My Haddie loves us."  That made my heart happy, and brought a smile to my face, and tears to my eyes.  Mama loves you so much baby.  I am so sad you aren't here to live life with us in person.  But I am trying my darnedest to give your sister the best, fullest, life possible because she deserves it and so do you.  I carry around a pain that nothing soothes, nothing comforts it, nothing makes me feel whole.  You baby girl are such a big part of who I am.  A friend told me this past weekend that she recently had a conversation with her Grandma who had lost a child.  She asked her, "How did you get through the loss of your child?"  Her Grandma respond, "I am still trying everyday."

Because of my faith in God I have the hope and promise that I will see you again.  But I hurt everyday for you and that will never change.

Love,

Mama

It was like Christmas

Haddie Bo Bo,

Last night your Mimi came over.  Of course we talked about you with smiles and tears.  Somehow I started looking at the pictures on her phone.  I came across all these pictures of you that I had never seen before.  I was so elated!  It was like Christmas.  It was almost like getting to see you again for a moment.  

You were the happiest, smiley, baby around.  

I was thinking back on the time around your funeral and how many people came to support us.  I think at some point everyone wonders who would come and show support if a tragedy happened.  Let me first say I wish this never happened so I wouldn't know.  But it did and now I do know how many people love and support us.  It truly amazes us how kind, generous, and selfless people have been.  

Yesterday I received a package in the mail from a friend I knew in college.  We used to have a class together and we would attempt to workout between classes.  From what I remember we ended up eating more than working out.  We did attend church together every once and awhile.  But I haven't really seen her for 5+ years.  But when I had you I didn't know it but she was in the same hospital having her daughter.  She sent me a scrapbook that she made with pictures of you and beautiful quotes.  She clearly spent a good amount of time doing this.  Which I know couldn't have been easy with an 11 month old at home.  I started sobbing before I even opened the book.  Just knowing that someone cares that much about us brings such strong emotion.  Thank you friend we are so grateful for your thoughtful gift and I will treasure it.  

I am so grateful to receive cards and gifts in the mail.  It's so nice to know that people haven't forgotten you and what you meant to our family.  But I wish I wasn't getting them because that would mean you would still be here.  I wish I was still working.  I wish nothing had changed.  I wish that day never happened.  I wish I would have trusted my gut on so many things and we wouldn't be sitting here trying to live this life without you.  I feel like my life is at a stand still and I don't want to move forward, and my world has stopped.  But no matter how I feel life moves forward whether I want it to or not.  It is so weird when I get invitations in the mail for certain things, or offers of tickets to concerts and such.  Normally I would jump at the chance to go to a concert or enjoy certain activites.  It's just hard to plan a "happy" activity knowing your not here.  I know that sounds strange and people won't understand that, and I probably didn't explain it well.  It's just hard to plan in advance a fun activity with out you.  

Well with that being said we are off to Detroit this morning to attend our annual work picnic at the Tigers game.  I am sure it will be fun.  But as always I am missing you and today my heart is aching.  

Love,

Mama

Our baby gone.

Haddie Bo Bo,

How crazy is it that I find myself looking at a website for grief support for parents who have lost infants.  How is this happening, Haddie?  Is this my reality forever?

Last night was our church group's first big get together since you have passed.  The last one was for your Daddy's 30th birthday, 2 days for before you passed.  I was nervous and anxious to go yesterday.  Last time we were together you were sitting on my hip, clinging to me, not wanting me to pass you around.  This time was very different.  We went to Oval Beach in Saugatuck.  I had only ever been to this beach one other time.  It was right after you were born and you sat in your carseat asleep the whole time.  This time I sat on a beach chair and watched your sister play with the other kids.  I didn't carry your heavy car seat down the sandy hill.  I didn't slather sunscreen all over your fair skin.  I didn't try to keep a hat on your bald head as you pulled it off.  I didn't feed you a bottle in a beach chair.  I didn't have to wipe the sand out of your eyes as you cried.  I didn't do any off these things, but oh how I wish I could have.  I wish I was the parent that was juggling a toddler and baby at the beach.  What I would give to have those moments.  I sat in my beach chair and talked about you, cried about you, longed for you.

Today I got a package of photos I printed off of you.  You are so alive in them, so happy, so sweet.  I struggle to believe that you are really gone forever.  I saw you in that casket, I saw where they sowed up your head,  I have your ashes in a box, I should know that you are not coming back.  But do I really?  I miss the way our life use to be, the happiness, the craziness.  Most of all baby, I miss you, and who you were.  You were sweet, smiley, and kind.  You loved to cuddle, laugh, and give kisses.  I was drawn to you probably because you were so different from me.  I want you...I want you...I want you.

Your Daddy and I had some stressful moments yesterday.  We are both hurting so badly and sometimes that doesn't come out in the most loving way.

Aunt Alisa came over yesterday and brought Everett and Crew to play.  Crew came in and sat on the floor, I was holding Elo.  Elo says, "Awww look at Crew.  Our baby gone.  Haddie gone."  Elo loves Crew and she misses you, "Our Baby".  It was good to have a baby crawling around our kitchen again.  Crew was standing against the patio door just like you used to do.  He started standing on his own for several seconds at a time.  It reminded me of what you would be doing if you were still here.  You would have taken your first steps by now and probably saying, "Mama" finally.

I'm so sorry, baby, I love you,

Mama

This is from the night before you died.  

Dear God

Dear God,

Today I cry as I do everyday because my sweet daughter has been taken from me.  For whatever reason you chose not to save her so here I am having to figure this life out.  I know I haven't led the perfect life.  I have made mistakes, I have hurt people, I have done some bad things.  But during all of that I never doubted you.  I knew you had a plan for me and my life.  Chris and I went to church, we had a small group, we tried to teach our children to love you.  We prayed over them every night for their safety, to keep them healthy, and that they grew up to love you. So I really don't understand why this had to happen to us.  It really hurts that you chose this path for us to live.  There is something deep inside of me that wants to say you are good.  But this does not feel good.  Whatever this plan is I hate it, with every ounce of my being, I hate it.  I wake up every morning and remember what I don't have, what was taken from me.  I have moments of strength.  I want to honor Haddie's life by doing good and raising awareness about her death.  But a lot of the time I just want to curl up in a ball and stay that way until you come back for me or decide it's my time to go.  I know I should be praying for heaven to come soon.  But I even have a hard time finding comfort in that.  I know that I won't feel that way when I get to heaven because once I'm there I will be completely fulfilled.  But Haddie doesn't need me.  When she sees me again she won't need a mother.  God, I'm so mad, hurt, and just plain devastated and it's only day 46 of this awful journey.

As angry as I am I can't imagine this journey without you.  Chris has said it several times, "I don't know how we would get through this without God."  It's true.  But it doesn't make it hurt less and it doesn't make me less angry.  I'm not ready to jump on the, "Let's use this for His glory train."  Haddie isn't supposed to be in heaven she is supposed to be here.  I want you to bring her back.  I want you to give me a miracle.  Is there still a chance that this is just a really long bad nightmare and you will be gracious and wake me up? I really thought my miscarriages were going to be the greatest tragedy of my life.

Today in my devotional I read, "I am nearer than you think, richly present in all your moments."  Do you grieve with me?  Does your heart hurt when mine does?  Do you cry when I cry?  Do you lash out in anger at the people you love because you can't figure out your feelings?  I am utterly broken inside and I am holding on by a thread.    

Trying to trust,

Sandy

"I'm not sad, I'm happy!" says Elo

Haddie Bo Bo,

I know that you know how special your sister Eloise is.  You loved her so much and you showed her by your "Haddie kisses" aka bites, stealing her applejuice, and wanting to do anything she was doing.  I have been worried about her lately and how this is all affecting her.  She knows you aren't here and she sees me cry often.  We talk about you daily and she sings you songs.  She still calls you, "My Haddie".  Aunt Emily has been helping take care of Elo when I have to run errands or help at work for a couple hours.  During those times she has had some conversations that I cherish.  Emily has typed them up for us to have:

While I was helping her ride a bike, Elo says to me...
Elo: "Mommy and Daddy are sad."
Me: "why are we they sad?"
Elo: "because of Haddie."
Me: "Are you sad?"
Elo: "I'm not sad. I'm happy!"
Me: "Why are you happy?"
Elo: "because she liked me."

While I was pushing her on the swing…
Elo: "Mommy and Daddy are sad."
Me: "Why are they sad?"
Elo: "because of Haddie. I sad too. I cry in my bed (starts to fake cry)"
Me: "Where is Haddie?"
Elo: "Up there (pointing up to the sky)"
Me: "Oh yes, she's up there with Jesus."
Elo: "It's too bright, I can't see Haddie without my sunglasses. I need my glasses to see Haddie."

Me: "What do you think Haddie is doing with Jesus?"
Elo: "play."
Me: "She's playing with Jesus? Do you think he's tickling her? (I tickle Elo) Did you tickle Haddie?"
Elo: "Haddie bite me. (Holds her arm)

See Haddie, Elo holds you in her heart.  She knows you loved her, "Because she like me."  I wish I could feel like Elo does.  I wish I could feel happy because I know you loved me so much.  Maybe it's the guilt I feel for not keeping you safe.  Someday I am sure I will feel happy when I think of you, but today is not that day.  

A friend came over today to bring a meal, she has experienced the loss of her daughter to cancer.  Although your death was so unexpected at least I didn't have to see you suffer.  It has been 7 years since she lost her sweet girl.  I told her that I am scared to be her, to be 7 years out from the day you died.  She seems to function and enjoy life again.  I know that she still has grief everyday and still misses her so much.  It was comforting to talk and share stories, cry together, and just have that understanding.   

This video is from 3 nights before you died.  I can't watch it because it's so special and right now brings pain and anger.  But it's one of my very favorites.

Love you baby missing you so much it hurts,

Mama

My Girls

Dear Haddie

We have some good friends that are amazing cooks.  I am not a great cook I do spaghetti pretty good, but that's it.  So they offered to give me teaching lessons.  So we went down and we cooked together.  They have two beautiful, loving, caring, generous, teenage girls.  They are close in age but very different very similar to you and Elo.  Emma is older and she has brown wavy hair and olive skin.  Sammie has sandy blonde hair and a bright smile.  Eloise has dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and tan skin.  Eloise is outgoing and a little wild.  You had the brightest blue eyes, the biggest smile, blonde hair, and pretty fair skin.  While we were cooking they were hanging out, laughing, and being sisters.  As I stirred the fried rice I fought the tears back.  Watching them is a glimpse into the future of the life we could have had.  The life we should have had.  The life that was taken from us.  I would love to be cooking dinner with my teenage daughters sitting around the counter on bars tools talking about their hair, their boy friends, and whatever teenage girls talk about.  It truly was a beautiful sight that I will always be envious of.  I will always feel like we were robbed, Haddie.  

I still refer to you and your sister as my girls in conversations.  Aunt Alisa has two boys so we would always talk about her boys or my girls and our hopes and dreams for you guys as you grew.  I am not ready to stop saying "my girls".  I had to fill out a form at the counselor's office the other day and it asked me to list my children.  I listed your sister and you.  The counselor asked if we had two other little ones at home.  I said, "No, Eloise is at home and Haddie passed away."  You will always be a part of our family and I will always list you on any form that asks about my children.  I refuse to forget you or not include you as our family.  You make our family complete and now there is a big gaping whole.  

I stopped into Good Earth this morning to pick up some baked oatmeal.  As I was waiting in line the group of ladies in front of me were talking about how one of them was getting married tomorrow.  They were telling the lady at the cash register about their wedding plans and they were all just laughing and celebrating as they should.  I couldn't help but think back to the day before my wedding and all the fun preparations I did with my girl friends.  So many smiles and happy memories not knowing what the future holds.  So I looked at that girl today, she was so blissfully happy.  She is just starting out this journey and she has no idea what the future holds.  I know I wasn't thinking on that day of future tragedy that might happen.  

This week has by far been the most "normal" week since you have been gone.  With that being said it has been the hardest week to live without you.  I have had the most alone time this week, just Eloise and me.  She does keep me busy but there isn't constant flow of conversation so I spend a lot of time in my head.  Today I went over and over the trauma of the day I found out you were gone.  Why do I do this to myself I don't know?  I can't seem to stop. It's truly awful and I cannot explain the despair I feel.  I woke up early and laid in bed and listened for you.  I was hoping I could hear you in your crib talking to yourself.  The way you woke me up every morning.  I wish I could walk in your room and see you sitting there and see your eyes light up when they met mine.  You would crawl over to the side of the crib and reach your arms up and grab my shirt until I picked you up.  I loved watching you reach for me it was my favorite.  I wish I had a reset button.  I wish we could have experienced a miracle.  I wish God still brought people back from the dead.  I wish God would take us all to heaven now.  I wish I had never gone back to work after I had you.  I wish I held you longer that morning.  So many wishes baby....

Your always my girl,

Mama

This is what we should be doing

Dear Haddie BO BO,

What do I do when I am consumed with grief for you....

Sometimes I write to you.  Sometimes I watch a lot of TV to drown out my thoughts.  Sometimes I let it overcome me and I lay down and cry for along time.

Today your sister wanted me to push her around the living room in her little baby stroller.  It reminded me of the time that we put you in the baby stroller and Elo pushed you around.  It was cute until you leaned forward and the stroller went with you.

Here is a picture right before you tipped over!

My goal is to live this life as full as possible to honor you, Haddie.  But sometimes that is really hard when I feel like getting out of bed is an accomplishment.  Is it crazy that you haven't been here for a month and a half and I still have trouble believing your gone?  Did this really happen to me?  I try so hard to set goals for the day.  Today I wanted to clean the house, do laundry, and play with Eloise.  We went outside to swim in the pool.  I was doing good until I couldn't stop my thoughts of what it would be like with you here.  So as I am swimming your sister across "the neighborhood" also known as the pool I have tears streaming down my face.  I still haven't cleaned the house or put a load of laundry in the washer.  Yes it is nice to be sitting outside in the sun on a Wednesday afternoon.  But I would give it all back, and work the rest of my life, 7 days a week, if it meant you would be here. 

This is what we should be doing.

Your daddy and I went to counseling for the first time.  It was hard.  I cried the whole time and I told the guy that I don't buy into "healing from this".  So hopefully he doesn't think I am a lost cause, but even if he does I'm ok with that.  If I have to live without you I am ok living with the pain that comes along with that.  I am ok with crying everyday and feeling like I am just surviving.

In other news I am trying to potty train Elo.  Right now she is sitting on her potty chair watching "Olivia" completely naked.  It's quite a funny site and I wish you were here to see it.  She is singing very loudly her naked song, "Me naked oh ya oh ya."

As I was cooking dinner last night I said to your Daddy, "I wish Haddie was here to run into my feet. Or sit in her high chair while I feed her to many graham crackers so I can attempt to cook dinner."  Life isn't the same without you and we feel it every moment of every day.  Nothing is the same with out you here.

Love you Bo Bo,

Mama

Haddie's Best Buddy

Dear Haddie,

Around the time you were born many other babies in our friends and family circles were being born too.  You had lots of friends very close to your age that you played with.  Especially your buddy Crew.  Crew is about 3 weeks younger than you and you guys were the best of friends.  As soon as you saw him you would crawl over to him and bop him on the head and immediately give him a "Haddie kiss" which is also known as a bite.  Crew always handled it so well like a gentleman of course.  It is so fun to be able to see your friends grow because I can see what you would have been doing.  It is also very hard to see them because I think about all the stuff you should be doing.  I love to hold Crew because it's the closest thing to holding you.

The first time Crew came over after you passed I went to help Aunt Alisa get him out of the car.  I opened the door and he was sleeping.  I started unbuckling him and he woke up and looked at me and gave me the biggest grin and his eyes lit up.  It was so sweet but reminded me so much of you that I immediately started to cry.   I won't see that look on your face again.  I love to rub Crew's head when I hold him because like you he doesn't have much hair either.  Aunt Alisa asks if I am ok when Crew is around and I say yes.  I say yes because I love Crew.  Yes there are times when it is hard and I will cry but it is a "good" hard.  It keeps me close to you, and to feel someone in my arms the same weight as you is comforting.

I received a bracelet today in the mail from an organization called "Tiny Purpose".  This organization is a support for women who have had miscarriages or lost a child.  The bracelet is pink and has the initial "H" for Hadley.  Inside the card it said, "May you find comfort in knowing the one you lost is safe in His arms."  I just wish I could find comfort in that, but I can't, not yet.  I am so furious that you are not here.  It's only been a month and a half and it seems like forever.  I don't remember what it's like to hold you, or smell you.  Haddie I am crying as I write this and speaking your name outloud.  I really do not know how I will survive this misery.  People keep telling me that over time it will get more bearable, but it has not.  In fact it has gotten more unbearable.  My heart aches for you and knowing that I won't ever be able to hold you again makes it worse.  My thoughts are my own worse enemy.  Yes I know I will see you again in heaven, but you won't need me.  You won't need me to hold you.  I am completely robbed from being your mother and I am pissed.  It's so unfair and my grief is overwhelming. I love to go to sleep because I get a break from feeling this intense torment.  I hate waking up to find out that your still gone and I have to do it all over again.  I wish my prayer could be, "God take away this pain."  But what if the pain does go away?  Does that mean I will not miss you as much?

There is a picture of you on our shelf in our living room, happy as can be.  Looking at it haunts me of the life we could have had, the life we should have had, the life we did have.

Even though I am struggling down here I know you are smiling your toothy grin up in heaven.

Love you baby girl,

Mama

Haddie and Crew

If you must die...

Haddie,

So I haven't sold the stroller yet but there is still 1 more day in our sale.  As I was thinking about the stroller some more I remembered the last time you were in it.  It was the week before you left us.  We went for a walk around the neighborhood and you fell asleep.  It was so cute because you were still holding your toys in your hands and your head dropped straight forward.  I didn't know you had fallen asleep so I was shocked when I looked down at you.  It looked so uncomfortable!

Saturday at our sale I sold our baby swing.  I originally bought the baby swing when I pregnant with your sister.  Elo didn't seem to like the swing and neither did you.  So I decided to sell it.  Well someone came along and bought it.  Eloise watched as they put it in their car.  She turned to me and said, "Where Haddie swing going?  That Haddie swing."  She started to cry.  I never thought of that swing as yours so I had no emotional attachments to it.  But Eloise did, and we both cried.

Back when Mama and Daddy were first married before we had you guys we would talk about life and kids.  One of our major hot spots was daycare.  I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I never wanted to have someone else watch my kids more than I did.  I had nothing against daycare, because I had to go to daycare while my mom worked so hard to provide for us.  My mom is my hero by the way.  I was just really passionate about being the primary caregiver for my children.  Well life happened and when we had your sister we were not in a place financially for me to stay home.  So I kept working and we paid for daycare.  Then we found out we were pregnant with you and I still wanted to stay home.  But again we weren't in a position to do that.  I always said I didn't want to have kids unless I could stay home.  This is why....I should have never compromised with myself.  Not that I regret having you because I absolutely do not.  But we could have waited....maybe if we had waited I could have stayed home.  This wouldn't have happened.  You would still be here.  Why couldn't I have been patient?  I just couldn't wait.  Did this happen because I had to have it my way?

I have been feeling like a failure as a mom lately.  I feel like I failed you in so many ways.  But lately because we are still here, and we have to live this life, I feel like I am betraying you.  Then I have your beautiful, smart, spicy, sister that deserves everything and some days I can't seem to get it together.  Today I randomly broke into tears that wouldn't stop and I looked over and Eloise looked scared.  I went over and I said, "I'm sorry Mama is so sad, but I love you so very much."  She wouldn't even look at me.  Now I am failing her and I hate myself for that.  I really hate how I feel and I hate that this is our life.  You and your sister deserved a life together with all the happiness and sadness that come along with that.  I am struggling to figure out how I can do it.

Your Daddy and I are going to our first grief counseling session tomorrow.  I hope that this will help give us some direction in living this life without you.

I love you....and your sister so much.  Living life with you is our greatest joy.

Love,
Mama

I'm fighting a constant war in my head...

I miss you, so I look at your pictures.  This makes me miss you more.  I then watch all of you videos and sob through them.  Nothing eases this pain.  Nothing fills this hole.  Nothing makes me less angry.

Haddie,  I am constantly fighting a war in my head.  

"Is she really gone?" 

"Was she really here?"  

"God take me now!"  

"Bring her back". 

"Wake me up" 

"Why are you hurting me" 

"I can't do this anymore". 

"I don't want to do this anymore"
"Why me?"

We had dinner with some good friends last night that have also lost their precious daughter.  It has been a little over a year from them.  We had great conversation and were able to speak freely.  There was something comforting about being around people that understand the same kind of pain as us.  We felt free to cry together and say the things you don't say to just anybody.  The scary thoughts or the weird thoughts you have on a daily basis.  It's also nice to find out your not a "crazy person" and others have thought these thoughts.  As comforting as it was they did confirm that their pain is still very present a year later.  They still have days that they can't seem to get it together.  They still have days that the tears don't stop and the aching is unbearable.

Today we are having a garage sale.  This is Eloise's first garage sale and she is having some attachment issues.  I did not plan for these breakdowns.  It's kinda hard to make a sale when the child is screaming, "That's MY toy!"  I am also selling the double stroller that I used for you and Eloise.  I am hoping it sells because it's heavy and takes up a lot of room in our garage.  I also feel like it taunts me every time I look at it.  I see the spot where you should be sitting and I am reminded of what I don't have.  Of course I am keeping anything of yours that has good memories.  Which is mostly everything except that stroller.

Our adventures in that stroller

As always Haddie I am missing you today is no different.  I sit here wondering how this garage sale would be different if you were here.  I sure it would be interesting and hard that's for sure and I would welcome that challenge.  I hope that you and our friend's baby girl are having a great time today with Jesus.  I can't wait for the day that we join you.  

Love you so much,

Mama

I'm Drowning...

Haddie Bo Bo,

I am drowning today.  Everyday there is a sadness that I carry around.  But today I am overcome with thoughts of you.  I am missing you and I am surviving moment by moment.  What can I do to get through this day, this hour, this minute?  It's all I can do to keep going.  If I start to think about how much life I have to live until I see you again it's unbearable.  God help me.  God help me.  Even though I am surrounded by people who love me I feel alone.  

It's difficult to say, that living this life is hard, and I am sure it's difficult for family and friends to hear.  But it is hard its torture.  I know I have things to look forward to for Eloise.  But the pain is so raw and fresh that it is swallowing me whole.  I am so angry that the rest of my life I have to carry this around with me.  I do cherish the good memories with you but they are still so painful.  So sometimes I can't think about them, because I get physically ill.  Loosing a child is the cruelest event that can ever happen.  

I have been blessed with so many people in my life that have shown us support.  I am a huge believer that family is a choice.  Your Aunt Emily, Aunt Alisa, and Aunt Rachel are my sisters.  I have always wanted a sister...always.  I was so happy to be able to give Eloise the sister I never had.  Aunt Emily was with me when I was told that you were gone and she didn't leave my side for days.  I called Aunt Alisa and told her at work and she walked out of teaching a class to be with me.  Aunt Alisa called Aunt Rachel and she dropped everything at her job in Chicago to be with me for 4 days straight.  These ladies have kids, husbands, jobs, and so many responsibilities that they put aside to sit with me.  I am forever grateful and the words "thank you" are so not appropriate.  My love and appreciation for them goes so deep.  We were close before this happened but now the bond is so strong.  They each carry a piece of you around their neck and it's so special, Haddie.  They cry with me.  They cry for you.  They grieve with me.  

We have been so humbled by the love that we have been shown by everyone.  The meals, cards, notes, texts, phone calls, etc. have been very encouraging.  It means so much to us that people have been so generous with their time, resources, and spirits.  It challenges me to be a better person.  It has brought back my faith in humanity.  I wish I could personally thank everyone.  

Haddie we miss you.  I wish you were here.

Love,

Mama

Singing with the radio

Haddie Bo BO,

I continue down this road of firsts...

Today I went grocery shopping for the first time.  It was just Elo and me and it seemed like such a daunting task.  First, because I hate grocery shopping.  I feel like I always spend way too much money and I always seem to forget to buy something.  Second, because I would usually take you with me.  Sometimes I would take you and your sister and that always turned into a stressful situation.  Mostly, Elo stayed home with Daddy and you were my shopping buddy.  You always did so great sitting like a big girl in the top of the cart.  Of course everyone loved to see you smile and always commented on how cute you were.  I did find it annoying that if you weren't clearly dressed in girl clothes people thought you were a boy.  What says boy about your face????  Anyway, grocery shopping today was easy we even returned cans.  It was so easy that I hated it.  I wish you were there so I could juggle the chaos of keeping two kids happy in the grocery store, and finding a place to put the groceries in the cart.  I miss going in the baby aisles for diapers, wipes, and baby food.  I only saw one person I knew at the grocery store I wasn't prepared to talk so I turned down the underwear aisle.  I also think it's strange that when you make eye contact with someone you give the polite smile and they usual smile back.  Sometimes I think of it as a game; trying to make the grumpiest looking person smile back at you.  So even though today I didn't  feel like smiling at people I did.  The one person who refused to smile back really bothered me.  If I can make the effort smile at you ,when my daughter is not here anymore, than you can smile back.  But maybe they are experiencing the same kind of loss and I should give them a break. 

Another first...I caught myself singing along with the radio.  This has absolutely not happened since you have been gone.  It wasn't the whole song, just a line.  What does this mean? When I realized it happen I stopped and I wasn't sure what to think.  I am actually too scared to write what I was thinking because it might be true or people might think it's true.  If people see me laugh they say, "She seems to be handling it well."  Or "She is doing better."  Let me be clear Haddie, yes I do laugh and smile, but my world is still shattered. No I don't cry 97% of my days anymore.  But your still the first thing I think about and the last thing.  

I find myself talking like this a lot.  Before Haddie passed, blah blah blah.  Or since Haddie has passed blah blah blah.  I really really do not like the after.  

I had my first dream about you that wasn't a nightmare.  You were happy and smiling and I picked you up.  I didn't remember the dream right away this morning.  But when I did I felt joy and sadness and I cried.  I love you baby.  Thank you for the good dream.  

Love,

Mama

I don't have to smile

Haddie Bo Bo,

It would have been your 1st Fourth of July.  Your first time seeing fireworks.  The first time to take some awkward picture with your sister in some ridiculous red, white, and blue outfit.  

I have been struggling with my thoughts lately.  I get lost going over and over that day in my head and it's torture.  Thinking about that morning seeing your happy face before I left you.  I will forever regret leaving you.  The words, "You daughter has passed away" go through my head and makes my skin crawl.  Even thinking about that night at our house filled with family and friends and remembering the look in peoples eyes makes me so devastatingly sad all over again.  I am forever tormented by the events of that day.  I know that I have said it before but I will say it again because it is a constant feeling that I have.  I get angry, sad, and hurt, when I think of living this life without you.  Everything that this family will experience will be always missing you.  You were supposed to be Eloise's Maid of Honor someday and she was supposed to be yours.  You were supposed to go to school dances, leave for college, make bad decisions,  and live a beautiful full life.  July 4th, 2015 you would have been 11 months.  In a month we would have been celebrating your 1st birthday.  I would have bought you some sort of frilly girly outfit to take cake smashing pictures in.  We would have sang to you...

This past holiday weekend we spent with friends who are family to us.  We had a lot of good conversations.  One we had with a close friend that has experienced the loss the his wife 19 years ago.  He said the pain gets different but it is always still there.  You live with it differently than you do the first few years.  He said it took 5 years to feel like himself again.  I found that interesting because I really do feel like a different person.  I am not sure how to accurately describe it.  When I do feel joy or happiness it isn't AS happy or AS joyful as it would have been if you were still here.  I do not believe that I will ever feel the blissful happiness that I use to feel.  It's strange that I don't ever really feel like doing anything.  We get invitations to go places and when we do we have fun, we laugh, and we don't usually regret going.  But I don't have a desire to leave the comfort of my house where I feel safe.  I don't have to smile in my house if I don't feel like it.  No one will look at me when I randomly start crying.  No one will ask me or my friends how I am doing.  No one will be able to tell that I haven't showered for days.  No one will think that because I am laughing I am doing "really well".     

Haddie I just miss you.  My heart aches for you.  I want to see you, touch you, smell you.  I want to walk into your room and see you sleeping in your crib where you should be.  I hate that I have to scroll so far back on my photostream to find your pictures.   I know that I will see you again in heaven and I am so thankful for that.  But in that same breath you won't need me in heaven.  You will most likely be exactly who you were intended to be.  I will still have been robbed of seeing you grow up.  Mothering you when I should have been able to.  I want my heart to feel whole again.  I want to feel free again.  Haddie I am just so sad and my heart is in pieces.    Haddie come back to me....  

Love, 

Mama

Silly Elo

Isn't your sister beautiful!?!

Happy 11 months Baby!

Haddie BoBo,

Happy 11 months baby girl.  The fireworks are for you.  Today was a wonderful time spent with family and friends. You were talked about often with smiles and tears.  We wish you were here.  Elo sang, "Happy Birthday Haddie Bo Bo, cha cha cha!"

I hope Jesus is holding you close and kissing your cheeks the way I would if you were here.  

Always and forever baby,

Mama

1 month and Firsts

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday was 1 month since that horrid day.

I am heartbroken. I am not going to try to describe the feelings I had because there are no words that could come close to explaining the pain.

Your Aunt Rachel called early in the morning to tell us how much she loves us and misses you.  Aunt Alisa, Aunt Emily, and Grandma Jane came over for breakfast.  We talked about you, and looked at your hand/foot prints. We shed some tears, but we also had lots of smiles and laughs.

An old friend gave us a box full of fireworks for tomorrow!  It was so generous and we felt so loved.  Eloise is going to be ecstatic!  Just wish you were here to see them, Bo Bo.

Today I did my first 21 day fix work out since you have been gone.  It was hard, my legs were shaking, and I couldn't breath.

I also showered for the first time since Monday night.  I brushed my hair for the first time since your funeral.

Last night was my first night I spent by myself without someone keeping me company.  Your Daddy was playing baseball so it was just your sister and me.  We went for a walk and she talked about you a lot.  She said, "Mama, you sad about Haddie." I am not sure if it was a statement or a question. She also sang you "Jesus Loves Me".  We miss you so very much.

This morning we sat on the couch and watched cartoons like we always do on Saturday mornings.  It was quiet, too quiet.  It's not the same without you.  I still look around the living room hoping to see you crawl around the corner with something in your mouth. Something that you shouldn't have in your mouth.

So a lot of firsts for us some good and some sad.

Love and Miss you Always,

Mama

Here are some pics your sister took from today....

Aunt Alisa teaching the art of the selfie

Perfecting the selfie

Aunt Emily...or as Eloise calls her Elle Belle

Now it's me.

Haddie Bo Bo,

There is this thing that tells you what you were doing this exact day last year, 2 years ago, 5 years ago, etc.  It's called Timehop.  So I looked up mine today and this is what came up 2 years ago today....

I am now that mom that would give anything to hear you cry.  I would give anything to have you whine or be grumpy.  I wish I could spend one more "difficult" night with you.  I find it strange that I wrote this two years ago obviously not knowing I would be writing it about myself.  

Eloise is 2...very 2.  She is miss independent with everything.  She says, "Me do it," several times a day.  We hear, "No." In response to almost everything question.  She is working on sharing and unfortunately we are doing a lot of time outs.  I know that most of this behavior is normal for her age. Even so her world has changed.  She is an only child now, and home with Mama and Daddy everyday for the last month.  On our way home from up north we stopped in Traverse City to do some shopping.  Usually Elo is a great tag along on these occasions, this was not her day.  We were in the middle of the M22 store when she announced that she no longer wanted to wear her diaper and immediately let it drop to the floor full of poop.  Not a contained, easy clean-up, poop log.  It was the thick, "comes out like tar", poop as your Daddy would say.  Your Daddy scooped her up and we both ran out the back of the store.  She had poop all over her dress, her legs, her shoes, and your Daddy and me.  After we got her cleaned up we tried to go into a few more stores and she had a massive breakdown when we left the toy store.  I'm talking hitting, kicking, screaming, hitting herself, you name it she did it.  We strapped her into her stroller and briskly walked down the main shopping street with several sympathizing stares.  Someone even said, "Been there."  

Moments before meltdown

I couldn't help but think that we didn't even get a chance to have a public melt down with you.  We never got a chance to give you a time out.  When you did something "naughty" it was still in the cute stage.  I didn't get to hear you tell me no or even say, "Mama" yet.  You will always be 9 months old and perfect.  I won't be able to cry as I send you off to kindergarten.  We won't take a girls trip to Chicago to spend all of Daddy's money at the American Girl store.  The dreams I had for you and our family now are very different and I HATE IT.

So I treasure the embarrassing public meltdown with Elo because I know what it's like to have that stolen from you.  I hold tight to every moment because it can all be gone in a second.  I now turn the car around, and go back in the house ,and hug and kiss Eloise when I forget to say goodbye.  Even if it's a 5 minute Walgreens run.  Life is fragile and really can be gone and your whole world turned upside in a moment's time.  

Love you and missing you always,

Mama

The Mad Phase.

Haddie Bo Bo,

The day after you were born I was in the hospital.  I was considering staying another night because it is easier having the help and well to be honest your Daddy and I really liked the food.  It was in the morning and the day shift nurse came on duty.  She asked me a few things and made me uncomfortable so I abruptly told her that I wanted to go home.  So I came home and I was so car sick on the ride home I couldn't open my eyes.  I walked in and laid on the couch and slept for hours.  Thankfully Grammy and Mimi were here to help with your sister and you.

Your Grammy is a skilled sewer and has made Eloise and you special blankets.  They are so special that I haven't let you guys use them. I recently went through all of your clothes and pulled out any that were special or I remembered you wearing a lot.  Some of them still had dirty knees from you crawling all over.  I went through each one and reminisced about the last memory I have of you in each outfit.  Your Grammy is making me a quilt out of them.  I can't wait until its done so I can curl up with it and think about you.

I drove to Walgreen's to get some throat drops.  On the way home Carrie Underwood's "See You Again" came on.  This is the song that was played during your slide show at your funeral.  At first I just teared up.  Then I started screaming and weeping.  I'm just so upset and it's not fair.  I am mad at God tonight.  Why didn't He intervene?  I am mad that this is my life.  I don't want this life.  I want my baby.  I want you back.  Sometimes I don't think I will make it through another day or another hour with this unbearable pain that has no end in sight.    Tonight the pain is overwhelming as I think of the 2nd approaching. Your birthday is right around the corner.  How will I live through that day?  I know that I will be surrounded by people who love me and who loved you, Haddie.  I know that I can and will live through those days, but I just don't want to do it.  The mad phase has begun...

Love you Haddie,

Mama