I have been coming to the realization over time that because of the lack of control that I have in this situation I am slowly becoming or feeling out of control.
From the moment you took your last breath I lost all rights to you. I was told that I wasn't allowed to see you. If they let me see you I might touch you and ruin any evidence that might have been there. No matter what I said or did I could not change this. This was mind blowing to me. You were mine. I made you. I nursed you. I cared for you everyday. But I couldn't see you.
You are gone. There is nothing I can do to change that. Trust me I have gone over it in my head a million times. From rational thoughts to very irrational thoughts. I have gone over every moment of that day in my head. What I could have done different to have prevented your death. I have spent lots of time thinking about if I believe you are gone. Or even crazier do I believe you were really here? If I sleep long enough will you appear when I wake up? If I pray hard enough will this baby in my belly be you? Again I have no control over this situation.
The holidays. No matter how much I didn't want them to come they are still looming. We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving because I couldn't bare the thought of you not being there. I didn't want to sit around a table and pretend to be thankful when frankly I wasn't feeling very thankful. So we didn't have a turkey dinner with our family, but Thanksgiving still came. Tonight I am sitting in a hotel and we fly out to Florida in the morning. This is my effort to skip Christmas. But Christmas will still come. New Years will still come. Before I know it a we will be waking up to the 1 year anniversary of your death. I fight it everyday with every ounce of my being. But these milestones and special days keep happening. I don't want to live in a year that you didn't exist in. I don't want to celebrate a holiday without you. I have no control over these things. So because I have no control I protest.
So as I continue to have this power struggle with life I am slowly loosing control. I am angry. My anger sometimes is misdirected and the people I love get the brunt of it. I am difficult. I get mad when things don't go my way or turn out as I planned. I shut down. I cancel plans. I am brutally honest (this is not a new thing). I have no patience. I lack grace. I expect grace but can't seem to extend it. I can't let things go. I can't stop my thoughts. I can't stop my tears. I am out of control.
I hate that I feel this way and I grow increasingly frustrated with how my grieve turns into not very pretty actions. It all comes back to you not being here. If you were here many of these issues would not be issues. I wish everything was different.
I love you and as much as I hate what has happened I regret nothing of our time together. You are mine forever and that will not change. We will be reunited someday and I think of that moment all the time.
Love,
Mama
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