Haddie Sacks?

Silly Bo Bo

Haddie Bo Bo,

I no longer go to work everyday, but I have been helping out a few days when I am needed.  I woke up at 6 this morning which is the earliest I have been up since you have been gone.  You waking me up at 6 was the norm for so long.  I got on the road around 7 and made the 2.5 hour drive to the other side of the state.  I cry in the car a lot even when it's only a 10 minute drive so this was something I was not looking forward too.  Sure enough I didn't even make it to the highway before the tears started coming, they didn't stop for the whole first hour.  Finally it was a decent hour and I could start calling people to keep me company.  It was a very busy day and my mind was occupied.  I had a glimpse of my old life and how that felt.  In my old life as the day winded down I would start to look forward to getting to see you and your sister.  I would leave work as soon as possible to jump in the car and hurry to where you were.  I would pull in the drive way, throw my car in park, and briskly walk to the door.  I loved the feeling in my tummy when I would see your face light up when it saw mine.  I felt complete when I got to hold you in my arms, it made it all worth it.  I would walk your sister and you to the car and strap you in.  Before I closed your door I would peek into your car seat and kiss your cheeks, tell you I loved you, and make you show me your big toothy grin.  Today was different.  As the day came to an end instead of anticipating picking you up I had the realization that I have to go home to the same crappy situation I left.  That sucked.  Coming home is never the same.

In other news....I am now doing anything I can to honor you and remember you.  I had a great conversation with a lady who is in charge of Safe Sleep Classes in Ottawa County.  We did some brainstorming on how we can partner together to bring awareness to Safe Sleep but also tell your story.  My next thoughts are very new so I am just going to put them out there as my thoughts.  My dream is to provide a Sleep Sack to every baby born!

I would like to start fundraising and using all the money to buy or make sleep sacks.  I would then donate them to hospitals, pediatric offices, Safe Sleep Classes, or anyone who needs them.  I want to have your story attached with the Sleep Sack so everyone who gets one would read about you.  So I think I need to start a non-profit maybe it would be called Haddie's Sleep Sacks.  I have big dreams for this....I would love to have annual events.  Maybe a sack race event!  How fun would that be?  I am really passionate about this, Haddie!  You wore a sleep sack just like this every night to bed.  I am really not sure where to begin with this so it is a very new idea.  I just want to do everything I can to prevent another family from feeling the pain we are going through.  

I gave your sister an early birthday present this weekend.  I bought a Little Tikes Playhouse and she was in heaven.  She ask me, "Mama come in my new house."  Making her smile gives me the most joy.  Yesterday we were all outside and Eloise was playing in her house.  She came over to me and said, "Mama can you bring Haddie back to play in my house with me?"  "Go get her, Mama."

I said, "Haddie would really love your house wouldn't she."

That's how it should be, Haddie.  You should be running in and out of that little house with Elo bossing you around.  "No Hads. Stay in here."  I can just hear her say it.  It hurts deep inside to think of what could be, what would be, and what should be.  

Love you so much sweet girl.

Mama.  

You Are Saving Lives

Haddie Bo Bo,

I am completely humbled and speechless.  Your story has been shared so many times and read by so many people I can't even count. It has been viewed by 39,000 people.  Never would I have ever thought that this would have happened.  The support that people have shown has brought back my faith in humanity.  I have spent the past days reading messages and comments that people have wrote to me and they make me cry.  Tears because I am moved, tears because I can't believe I have to share story like this, tears because your story is making a difference.  I took screenshots with my phone of every comment or message I read because I wanted to have it forever.  I want to be able to reread these sweet words.  There were many comments from mothers saying they share my tears and I believe them.  Every mom's worst nightmare is my everyday reality.  Every comment I read meant so much to me.

There are so many reasons why I shared your story but the following comments are really what it's all about:

"I just ran upstairs and removed my daughter's blanket from her crib"

I also had some daycare providers thank me for the reminder and tell me they will be changing things up, etc.

YOU ARE CHANGING THE WORLD HADDIE, SAVING LIVES.

For so long I have been keeping your story private, but it needed to be told.  I want to be clear about my thoughts about your daycare provider.  I never had a complaint about your care up until this time.  I know she loved you and your sister and she never meant to intentionally hurt you.  Unfortunately that day mistakes were made and you are no longer here because of it.  I do not hate your daycare provider I am just very sad this all happened, I wish someone would have called me.  This should be a message to all parents and anyone who cares for babies that it only takes one time of not following the rules for something to happen.  Sometimes it's hard to hold your ground and stick to the rules especially if you've had a long day and your baby is fussy and just wants a blanket to cuddle with.  Or your a nursing mama and your so tired and just let them sleep in your bed with you, just this one time.  But speaking as a mom who has lost her baby because of Safe Sleep violations I would give anything to have you here Haddie no matter how fussy you are or tired I am. The phrase, "I would do anything," has new meaning to me now.  I would really do anything...

I have found that your death was so meaningless.  It shouldn't have happened and I am dedicating my life to bring meaning to it and to honor your life.  It's hard because I hate my new life with every fiber of my being.  It is cruel to wake up everyday and only be able to see you in a picture.  You are only alive in my memories.  So I talk about you as much as I can and I speak your name because I don't want to forget.  Life sometimes seems so daunting and an impossible task.  Your Daddy and your sister keep me going and make me smile.

Love you sweet girl,

Mama

The Ugly Truth About How You Died...

Haddie Bo Bo,

In the first few weeks after you had past I was living in a fog.  I was under the impression that you went to sleep and just didn't wake up.  This is the furthest thing from the truth.  We slowly started finding out different pieces of information about what happened.  After each meeting we felt hit by a bus.  We met with the detective who was on the scene first.  He would tell us certain things but never really spelled out what had happened.  It wasn't until I met with the lady from CPS, who was there that day, until I found out exactly what happened.  After that meeting my whole world was turned upside down AGAIN.  A week or so after that I met with the lady from Ottawa County DHS who was in charge of licensing for in-home daycares.  That meeting I found out even more information about that day.  I went from thinking you just died to knowing that your death shouldn't have EVER happened.

Haddie I will start by saying that someone failed you.  Nothing was done to intentionally hurt you, but decisions were made that day that lead to your death.  It doesn't mean you weren't loved by this person.  There are rules known as Safe Sleep rules that licensed daycares must follow and many of these rules were violated and lead to your death.  I will list each violation straight from the State of Michigan Safe Sleep Rules website.

Soft objects, bumper pads, stuffed toys, blankets, quilts or comforters, pillows, and other objects that could smother an infant must not be placed with or under a resting or sleeping infant. Blankets must not be draped over cribs or porta-cribs.

You were put down for a nap in a pack and play that was next to a crib with a thick comforter in your reach, draped over the side of the crib.   You were left in the pack and play sitting up and I am sure with a huge toothy grin on your face.  Everyone knew how much you loved to cuddle and you grabbed that blanket not knowing it would kill you.  You got wrapped up in it and couldn't find your way out.  The thought of you laying there falling asleep wrapped in this blanket kills me.  It hurts me so much and it makes me scream I am so mad.  

The crib or porta-crib must have a firm, tight-fitting mattress with a tightly fitted bottom sheet covering the mattress. No additional padding can be placed between the sheet and mattress.

There was no sheet covering the pack and play.

Caregivers must maintain supervision and monitor a sleeping infant’s breathing, sleep position and bedding for possible signs of distress.

Haddie this violation is the most disturbing violation to me.  During this time your caregiver was taking a nap. Daycare providers are also required to check on a sleeping baby every 20 minutes by physically touching the baby and listening and looking for breath.   This is the part that says "monitor a sleeping infant's breathing".  They learn this requirement in their Safe Sleep class that they are required to take before they can become licensed.  If someone would have checked on you just once....you would be here.  They would have seen the blanket wrapped around your head and upper body and removed it.  Or they would have been able to give CPR much sooner.  The detective told me that you had been gone for a whole hour before anyone found you.  You were cold, stiff, and your eyes were open.  

Living with this truth is torture.  I am making it my life's mission to inform parents, caregivers, grand-parents, of the importance of Safe Sleep.  I am sure that some of these rules even seem silly, like checking on a sleeping baby every 20 minutes by touching them.  You were a light sleeper and just opening your door would wake you.  But it seems silly until you aren't here anymore.

I am sharing all of this information not to make anyone feel bad but to prevent any more deaths.  Over 140 babies died last year because of Safe Sleep Violations.  These are preventable deaths that should never happen.  People need to think twice before giving a baby a blanket no matter how "breathable" it is.  The risk is simply not worth it.

My life changed in the blink of an eye.  I dropped you off sweet girl, happy and healthy.  Because these rules weren't followed I was never able to pick you up, Haddie.  I can't even explain how it feels to not be able to pick up your baby.

Haddie, I would move heaven and earth to change the events of that day.  You died on Tuesday and I remember saying on that Monday, "If the girls are giving you problems or if you are tired, please let me know and I will pick them up."  Why didn't someone call me...

I love you and I wish this never happened.  I miss you so much, there is a huge hole in our life now, and it can never be filled.

Love,

Mama

Here is the link to the Safe Sleep Rules:

https://www.michigan.gov/documents/dhs/e8b64BCAL-Pub-780_454767_7.pdf

Fairs and Not Fair

Haddie Bo Bo,

I grew up going to the Allegan County Fair.  I loved going and looking at the animals and wishing I was a country girl:)  This past week my friend Jamie and her little girl Izzy asked us if we wanted to go.  We ended up meeting them there on Friday. We took the girls to see the cows and horses and they loved it.  Then we headed over to the rides.  Izzy turned 1 year old in July and is just 3 weeks older than you.  So whenever I see her it makes me think of you and what you would be doing.  In my mind you will always be my 9 month old baby girl.  I didn't get to see you walk, talk, or really play with your sister.  I find myself shocked sometimes when I see Izzy doing these things because it reminds me that she is still growing.  She will not be 9 months forever.  

Eloise and Izzy got on a ride and they were sitting next to each other.  I couldn't help but think about how if Izzy was tall enough to ride these rides you would have been tall enough to ride them too. As the ride went around Izzy kinda bopped around and fell over in the seat.  Eloise put her arm around her and made sure she was ok.  I think she might have even said, "You ok baby?"  Eloise was being a "big sister" to Izzy.  It broke my heart....I wish you were there to ride the rides too.  But I was also so very proud of her.  I am very grateful for all of my friends that have little ones and let us experience life with them.  So thank you Izzy for letting Elo sister you.  It's only been a little over 3 months since you have passed.  In the big picture that is not a lot of time.  But when I am around my friends kids that are near your age I sometimes feel baby dumb.  I forget what it is like to have a baby.  It seems so long ago when really it wasn't.  There is two sides to that thought.  It seems so long since I have held you, but it also seems like yesterday that you were here.  Ugh it's just awful....so many different feelings.  

Today we headed into church and I took Eloise to her class.  There was only 1 other little girl in there at the time.  For some reason she didn't want to go into her class today which is super unusual.  So I went in with her for a little bit.  I was trying to get her comfortable and said, "Why don't you play with this little girl."  The little girl had blonde hair and blue eyes and was Eloise's age.  As she turned around I could see her name tag "Hadley".  Not very many little girls are named Hadley but today for some reason God thought I needed to experience this moment.  I did not love it.  I did not like being caught off guard and having all these emotions slapping me in the face.  So I kissed Eloise and pretty much ran out of the room.  I am sure the classroom workers thought I was a crazy person.  But hey sometimes I am a crazy person.  I have these moments of absolute lunacy and I am ok with that because you are not here and THAT IS WHAT IS CRAZY.  I just want to grieve on my terms I don't want surprises.  Most of the time I can tell when I will be emotional or what will be hard so I am somewhat prepared. 

We miss you so much and our family feels incomplete.  

Love you,

Mama

If you could see me fly-Annie Morgan

Haddie,

Everything I do I miss you...

Even when I am distracted by the demands of life and not actively thinking about you...I miss you.

I had signed Elo up for Cubbies.  It is Awana for 3-4 year olds.  I was so excited to send her and get her Cubbies vest.  Tonight was the first night.  I got a phone call and the lady said that since Elo doesn't turn 3 until Oct 16 that she is cannot come this year.  Even though she attends preschool and is potty trained she couldn't come.  So this was disappointing news but not something that should set off an hour of sobbing.  Well it did.  Yes I was sad that Eloise couldn't go but it wasn't really about that.  It was about missing you.

I have been getting more angry by the day about you not being here.  Not only are you not here which is the most heart breaking realization that I wake up to everyday.  But it effects every area of my life.  It effects my marriage.  It effects my relationship with Eloise and how I parent.  It effects my relationship with my friends.  It effects my professional obligations.  So on top of grieving you I grieve all of these things too.  I can't help but think everything is ruined or tainted.  I am not good at anything anymore.

My best friend Alisa has a licensed preschool in her gym.  Last week the license lady came to check in on her preschool.  Alisa told the lady thank you for what you do and about my story.  The lady immediately knew that she was talking about you, Haddie.  She said that she had heard the story and it was so sad.  Hearing Alisa tell me this story was surreal.  It's surreal to me that people have heard about you and what happened.  It is also strange think that people talk about you and they have never met you.  But your story should be told and I want people to know you and what happened to you!  So that another baby doesn't die and another family isn't broken.

We love you so much baby girl.

Love,

Mama

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/MtpDv1EuNSU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

I'm Flying with Haddie.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Some of my favorite times when you were alive was watching you and Eloise together.  Today Elo and I took a bike ride to the park.  When I say bike ride I mean she sat on her tricycle while I pushed it. When we got there she immediately ran over to the swings, "I wanna swing, Mama."  As she starts to swing she says, "Higher Mama!"  She was wearing the most ridiculous outfit but I don't care that stuff doesn't matter.  She had on this blue polkadot tutu-like skirt and it was flapping as she swung.  "I'm flying, Mama, I'm flying with Haddie and Jesus."  Where she gets this stuff I don't know.  "Look at my skirt Mama it's flying just like Haddie."

Haddie I really do hope you are flying up there in heaven.  I hope you are having the best time with Jesus.  As precious as these moments are they are truly sad too.  I love that Elo talks about you and plays with you.  But how heartbreaking is it that she has to pretend to play with her sister?  We were the only ones at the park today until a Dad showed up with two little girls.  Elo went right over like the extrovert that she is and started playing with the older girl.  The littlest sister would follow them around and tried to do everything they did.  I'm sure you would have been doing the same, Haddie.

We went to church this past Sunday.  We have only been back one other time and it was too early I think.  The worship part of the service is the hardest for me.  I would almost describe it as torture.  My heart is not ready or able to sing songs of praise.  It was good though to be around people who love and support us.  That feeling is amazing.  

Eloise brought home her first project from preschool.  She drew our family...

I have made a filing system for Eloise and you for things like this drawing.  I have a file for each year from 0 to 18 years old.  I put special pieces of art work, doctors visits, birthday cards, anything that is memorable.    As I filed this in Elo's year 2 file I realized that the rest of your years will be empty.

I love you baby girl....I miss your bald head.  I wish I could rub it.

Love,
Mama

Why am I putting your life into a chest?

Haddie Bo Bo,

Everything of yours has been left untouched.   Your bottles, formula, cereal, and snacks are still in your cupboard.  Your crib still has the same drool stained sheet on it.  Your clothes are still in your drawers and your toys are on your floor.  Everything has been untouched until yesterday.  I started sorting through your cupboard throwing away expired food.  I packed away your bottles and the paci's you never used.  I cleaned and put away the breast pump.  I went through all of the baby medicine.  I have a hard time throwing away anything that has your name on it.  I came across a bottle of Tamiflu that was prescribed to you and I couldn't bring myself to put it in the trash.  It's as if throwing away something with you name on it is getting rid of a memory or a step forward with out you.

I sorted through your clothes and put really special outfits into a toy chest that is now the place I keep your special memories.  I put every all the sympathy cards we received into this chest and I reread every single one.  I put every card from every bouquet of flowers we got into the chest.  I put all the special toys that you loved into the chest.  Why am I putting your life into a chest?  I don't know!!!! You should be here and I shouldn't have to do this.

I bought a brand new baby book for you.  The one I had isn't detailed enough.  I want to write down every memory I can remember about you.  So when I am 80 years old sitting on my front porch I can look at it and remember what you were like.  What's sad is that I am already forgetting.  I had to look through my facebook posts to see what you were doing so I could write it in your baby book.  The life of a mother who has lost a child is full of things that hurt.  It's full of things that you do because you have to.

I have agreed to speak at an Infant's Memorial Service on October 25th.  I am going to be telling your story, Haddie.  I am not sure what that story is yet but I know it deserves to be told.

This is a picture from the day you were sick and I had to give you the Tamiflu.  I just miss you so much and all I want is to hold you again.

Love you,
Mama

A letter from Aunt Emily

Sweet Haddie Sue,

Your Mama asked me to write down the story of that one memory you and I made together. Do you remember the one? That one time… I let you fall off my bed? Oh goodness, I still can't think about it without a twinge of guilt. But you were so forgiving, that I now hold this memory dear.

It all started one day when I was going to watch you for the afternoon. When your Mama dropped you off I remembered that I didn't have a Pack-n-Play. "Do you think she'll be OK on my bed?" I asked. We looked at each other for a moment then shrugged our shoulders. "She'll be fine", we both said. "I'll put some pillows around her," I promised. When naptime came, I made a nice little corral for you on my bed and placed you in the middle. You went to sleep right away and looked super cozy.
After a while, I checked on you and added another pillow just to be sure. All was going well until the end of naptime drew near and I heard a thud come from my room! My stomach dropped as I ran in and found you on the floor. I scooped you up and snuggled you while you cried. You only cried for less than a minute but you had a little red mark between your eyes. When you stopped crying you gave me a look that said "why in the world did you let me fall off your bed?" After all the excitement I decided that some baby food was in order, so I fed you. In no time you were your regular smiley self, except now you had a little red mark as a testimony to your adventure off my bed :(
 I miss your sweetness, active crawling, and patting your little bottom.
Love always,
Aunt Emily

I have to lie.

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

A broken heart is the worst, torturous, pain I have ever felt.  Knowing that the pain will always be there and never leave is so daunting.  Summer is slowly slipping away and it has me anxious.  The changing of the season is one of the many events that remind me that this life goes on no matter how much I fight it.  

I am an honest, heart on my sleeve type person, and I don't do small talk.  I am finding that the more people ask me "How I am doing" I find myself in the position that I have to lie.  There have been plenty of times in the last few weeks where I try so hard to explain how I feel only to be judged or almost accused of doing things the wrong way.  Each moment of everyday is different and comes with a wide range of emotions.  Most days I feel like I am on the edge of losing it.  I am not asking for people to understand how I am feeling but just to accept it with out judgement.

Your sister had her first day of 3 year old preschool.  I was so proud of her and she is such a big girl.  She walked right in and started playing, I had to chase after her to say goodbye.

After I spied on her for a good 30 minutes and I left.  Your Daddy and I met for lunch and only then did I cry.  I will never send you to preschool and watch you run into your classroom.  Although I think you would be a little more reluctant to leave me.  I probably would have to walk you into your teacher and stay with you until you warmed up.  Haddie, I think about all of the things we won't do with you and I am angry.  My anger grows by the day and I hate that.  I hate that I am angry.   

Your Grandma made me a teddy bear made out of one of your outfits.  It now has a permanent place in my bed and the first night I slept with it was the best nights sleep I have had since you were gone.  It laid next to me in my arms just like you used to after you woke me up to nurse.  Those moments seem so long ago.  I love you baby.  

Love,

Mama

Her sister died she deserves whatever she wants

Haddie Bo BO,

Sitting next to my tv is a picture of you.  Elo moved it there today because she kept hitting it with her ball.  So she moved it right next to the tv.  I have been trying to focus on some sort of mind numbing tv show but I can't.  It's been staring at me all day. Burning a whole into my heart.  I have been sitting here for 3 hours trying to ignore it.  Trying to ignore the rising anxiety,  and lump in my throat.  After 3 hours of staring at it I gave in and I let the tears come.  Somedays I am good at keeping it together.  Today is not that day.  I can't pretend that life is ok today.  It is not ok that you aren't here napping with your sister.  I really just hate living life without you.  It's so unfair and at times unbearable and I don't think I will make it through the next minute let alone the day.

We went to Sam's Club after nap time.  We can never seem to spend less than $100 each time we go there and this time was no different.  Your sister was on a shopping mission putting whatever her heart desired into the cart and I let her because I didn't have the energy to put up the fight.  I have found that since you've been gone it's hard to say no to her in general.  Her sister died she deserves whatever she wants.  She picked up a bag of Babybel cheese.  After we check out I unwrapped one and gave it to her.  As we drove home she happily ate her cheese.  She said, "I break it into pieces for Haddie."  I looked back at her and she has several pieces of her cheese broken up for you.  She then said, "I put it on the table Haddie come back."  I didn't have the heart to tell her that you weren't coming back and I frankly didn't want to speak the words.

I had planned on getting your 1 year pictures taken and our family pictures done at the same time.  You passed before that happened so we never had any professional family pictures taken.  This is something I will always regret.  So I had someone draw a picture of our family.  I think it turned out so good.  Elo saw it and immediately said, "Mama, Daddy, Me and Haddie.  Haddie I go find her."

I wish we could just go find you and bring you home.

Love you,

Mama

Making Memories

Haddie Bo Bo,

3 months since you have gone has passed.  The feeling is really indescribable.  A friend who has lost a daughter wrote me a note and I felt like it summed up how I was feeling.  This is what he wrote:

It's profoundly "amazing" that grief can take three months and make it feel like three seconds and three years all at the same time. It can make you hurt like all of your skin has been removed and that you are completely numb all at the same time. It can make you want to be all by yourself and need to be never left alone all at the same time.

I find very little that comforts me from the trauma of losing you and the pain of living with out you.  Thinking about seeing you again in Heaven is a truth I believe but right now it doesn't bring me comfort.  There are many times where I have spewed many not so pretty words God's way.  More so lately.  Then the very next moment I am clinging to the promises that I know to be true.  

We have done a lot of living in the past couple of days.  Eloise and I took a trip with our good friends Katie and Macy up to Michigan's Adventure.  It was one of the most fun days we have had this summer.  It was good to see Eloise smile and experience her first rollercoaster even if it was just the Little Dipper.  Since it was the 2nd of the month I was glad to not be home by myself watching the clock.  Even though I was out and about don't think for a second that I didn't remember the moment you died and the horrid moments that followed.  That day was so full of trauma I sometimes wonder if it was real.  I am so thankful for the people that remembered our "day" and sent well wishes and prayers.  The best thing anyone can do for us it to remember you.   

Last night we headed out to have dinner on the beach.  Even though I didn't have a chance to take you to the beach I feel closer to you there.  We played in the sand as the sun set lower and lower into the sky.  

We try so very hard to continue to live this life making memories.  It can be torture.  You are always on my mind and in our new memories in a different way.  

I wish you were here walking around, tearing things apart.  Oh how different our life is.  

We miss you baby girl every moment of every day.  

Love,

Mama

In my wildest dreams

Haddie Bo Bo,

When I was young I dreamt of my life, my future, and what it would be.  I dreamt of the guy I would marry, the house I would have, the children I would love.  I imagined our lives together the things we would do, the places we would go, the traditions we would make.  I spent a lot of time dreaming about these things.  In fact in my adult life I still dreamt about these things.  For good or bad I was always comparing my life to my dreams and constantly trying to make them come true.

We had a wonderful life, Haddie.  I wanted to give my children the things I didn't have.  When I had Eloise I knew I wanted to give her the sister I never had.  I wanted them to have the Dad I didn't have.  I had a Daddy for my children, and a sister for my Eloise, I had you.  I have an amazing husband who loves me, works hard, takes care of our house, and loves my girls.  I had two beautiful girls, sisters.  We traveled, we had adventures, we lived life and loved it.  My dreams did come true.

Never did I plan for or even imagine that my dreams would come crashing down into a million pieces.  You dying was never part of this dream and it really messes things up. When you're young you dream of the future, and your parents try to prepare you for life ahead.  No one prepares you for the part of life that isn't pretty.  When talking about life the parts about possible miscarriages, infertility, the devastating loss of a child, are usually not mentioned.

Losing you changes everything.  Do I dare to dream anymore?  The dream has been tainted or I might say the dream we were living is gone. Sometimes I truly live a nightmare.  I wake up everyday to the same reality.  That although there is joy there is always sadness too.  Although we smile, we don't smile as big, or as effortless.

Today Eloise pulled you around in her wagon.

Never in my wildest dreams did I see life this way.

We finally were able to submit a claim for life insurance today.  I had to write the word "suffocation" 4 times.  It was awful...

Love you baby girl.

Love,

Mama