An Announcement.

Haddie Bo Bo,

Wednesday before Thanksgiving I stopped into my old office to visit the staff and see how everyone was doing.  I sat down at my old desk and looked around.  Did I miss this?  The truth is yes I do miss this.  I wish more than anything I was going to work everyday and sitting at that desk.  I wish I woke up at 6:30 everyday, rushed around, and dropped you off at daycare.  If I were still doing all these things you would still be here.  I think back to "those days" and even though I always found stuff to complain about life was simple.  I had no real complaints.  Sometimes you would stop by my work for a quick visit.  All of my residents and staff loved seeing you and your sister.  No one can yell or be mean to a lady with a baby right??

My leasing agent Mr. Steven enjoyed your visits too.  We had our very own Anne Geddes photo shoot with you.  You were a great sport and you didn't even cry.  You did give us a "Haddie" look though.

Daddy has been really wanting some big canvas pictures of you and Elo for our bedroom.  The other day he worked on it for hours.  Finally we ordered some and they came today.  He took the one of you out of the box and I immediately started sobbing.  You were so beautiful.  Elo woke up from her nap and came downstairs.  She noticed the big picture of you right away.  "That's my baby Haddie!" She said with so much joy!  She went over to the picture and rubbed you and said, "My baby Haddie, I miss her."  The other night in the car she had started to cry and said, "I miss my baby, Haddie."  It was heartbreaking to hear her sadness over you.  We had been at your Aunt Alisa's house hanging out with Everett and Crew.  I wonder if playing with Crew made her miss you????

This is the canvas picture Elo saw

I have some exciting news to share with you, Hads.  I have been working the past couple months on starting a non-profit in your honor.  I have submitted my application to the IRS for a 501c3 status and I am just waiting to hear back from them.  But I have secured the name and I have a Tax ID number and we are launching December 1st.  Aunt Alisa's gym, For The Kidz Gymnastics, has decided to promote our cause all month.  We will have a "Haddie Tree" and we are asking that people donate a sleep sack or make a monetary donation toward the purchase of one.  The name is Haddie's Calling-Every Child Wakes Up.  Our mission is to provide a sleep sack to every family in an effort to make sure every child wakes up.  We also want to inform families about Safe Sleep rules and how important they are.  It only takes ONE time of not following a rule for something to happen.  Not only do parents need to be informed but also anyone who might care for your child.  This means Grandparents, family members, babysitters, and daycares.   Most people think a tragedy like this won't happen to them.  I know I did.  I am doing this to honor you, baby girl.  I want to bring meaning to your death and I want people to hear your story and lives to be saved.  No one should have to experience the pain that we do.  

You are constantly on my mind and that is not an exaggeration.  I love you.

Love,

Mama

We skipped Thanksgiving

Haddie Bo Bo,

I am hardly, rarely, ever alone.  I sleep with your daddy every night.  I fall asleep next to him, and wake up to him every morning.  Your sister is with me 24/7 with the exception of pre-school two days a week for 2.5 hours.  Friends and framily check on me daily through Facebook, phone call, or text.  I am in constant contact.  

But grief can be so lonely.  I'm inside my head a lot.  Sometimes not wanting to share my thoughts for many reasons.  Sometimes because they would scare just about anyone.  Or I couldn't put words to the feelings I have.  Or for fear that people are tired of listening.  Or that I am just plain depressing.  

I take a sleeping pill every night so I can escape the reality that I live.  Even with the sleeping pill I never feel rested.  I wake up several times throughout the night and constantly toss and turn.  When I do wake up throughout the night I can't take the silence.  I have to turn on the tv and try the whole falling asleep process all over again.  Let me tell you it is a process.  

We skipped thanksgiving today.  I know in my head that I still have a lot to be thankful for, but in my heart I'm not feeling very thankful.  I couldn't bare your absence at the table.  I couldn't bring myself to sit around a table and pretend that life is ok.  We didn't eat turkey. We didn't see family.  Although, we didn't do these "normal" activities today, I couldn't escape the way your absence slapped me in the face anyway.  No matter how much I fought this holiday it didn't matter.  You still weren't here and we felt it every moment.  Your daddy and I would be talking and then there would be silence.  The deafing silence and one of us would say how much we miss you.  How we can't believe we are doing this without you.  How does someone take away your precious little baby girl.  

I ran my first ever 5k today.  I am not a runner.  I would say I despise it.  But you being gone challenges me to live life.  Even when I don't want too.  Experience new things.  So I decided a month ago to sign up for the Turkey Trot.  I did the couch to 5k training to prepare.  Anytime I felt like quitting or walking I would think of you.  If you died and suffered I could do this.  You inspire me to be brave to be strong, to push myself.  The race was a good experience and I would say now that I despise running a little less.  

Elo said to Chris after watching me run by, "Mama runs so fast."  Hahahaha

Elo made a turkey in preschool.  Her teacher asked her what she was thankful for and the first thing she said was, "My Haddie." I am too thankful for you, Hads. I am thankful for getting to carry you in my belly and fee you kick and the privilege of giving birth to you.  I am thankful for the time you were here even though it was entirely too short.  I would still choose you even if I knew the outcome and the pain.  I am thankful for the love we had between us and our special bond that I will carry forever.  I love you. I love you.  I love you. 

Love,

Mama

I felt baby dumb.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I shed lots of tears for you yesterday.  I was very angry and just frustrated that your not here and life is hard.  There is something hard everyday.

Eloise is talking more and more about you.  Yesterday she said, "I am going to wait here until Haddie comes back."  Then this morning she grabbed my necklace that I wear that has your ashes in it.  She said, "I love you, Haddie."

Aunt Alisa gave me a great idea to make a photo book that I can read to Eloise.  So I did it.  I made a photo book of you and your sister.  I wrote it as you telling Eloise the story of you and her and your time together.  It was pretty long but she sat and listened to it which is unusual.  At the end you say, "Although I am in heaven with Jesus, I am always in your heart.  It's so amazing up here and I can't wait until we can run down these golden streets hand in hand.  I will always love you and I will always be your sister.  You are the best big sister ever and I am glad you are mine."

Of course I lost it at this point reading it to Eloise.  All of those things are true and I am grateful that we can hold onto that.  But it totally sucks.  I wonder as Eloise understands more and more what happened how will that be lived out in her life.  Will she grieve you more as she gets older?

I woke up this morning and checked my time-hop.  I had posted this 5 years ago, "I am reminded how precious life is and how it can be taken away so quickly."  You never think tragedy will happen to you.  Now I am reminded every moment of everyday how precious life is.

Everett and your buddy Crew came over yesterday for a little bit.  About 20 minutes into their visit I realized that my house is no longer "baby" proof.  Crew immediately went to my tubberware drawer and had it empty within minutes.  He unplugged all my glade plug ins and gave me a heart attack anytime he put something in his mouth.  It has only been 5 1/2 months since you've been gone and I felt a little baby dumb???  If you were still here none of this stuff would have surprised me or caught me off guard.  I probably would have been ready for them before they even happened.  Aunt Alisa told me that Crew said, "Let's Blaze!!"  It's from Blaze and the Monster Machines, and one of Crew's first phrases.  I couldn't help but wonder what words and phrases you would be saying.  What mischief you and Eloise would be up too.  Eloise loves to "sister" Crew.  She is always trying to make him laugh, wipe his face,  or make sure he is safe.  She is a great big sister and she is yours.  You two were my dream come true.  I really miss those "sister" moments between the two of you.

You will NEVER be replaced.  Your spot will always be here.  You will always be Elo's sister and our daughter.  I promise I will never forget you, or stop loving you, or not ache daily for you.  You are in every laugh, every tear, every smile, and every moment.

We miss you horribly.

Love,

Mama

I feel like I live in a black and white picture

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

Last night I was watching a video of you on my phone and Elo came over.  She saw you and her face lit up and said, "Hi Haddie Bo Bo!"  She waved frantically at you on my phone.  My heart melts.

What are you doing up there today, Haddie?  Today it's rainy and blowy and it makes me want you even more.  I try to imagine you up there running around chasing bubbles or clouds.  Playing with your siblings.  It's weird to think that your probably having the time of your life and all I want is for you to come back here.

A couple of weekends ago we had some family pictures taken.  I know many families who have lost a child never take  a family photo again.  I can totally understand that and I probably would do the same thing.  But I never took professional pictures of you, except your newborn pictures.  I had planned to have your 1 year pictures done and family pictures at the same time.  So Eloise had her 3rd birthday and I thought it would be a good time to get some pictures.  It wasn't easy.  I wanted you to be represented in every single photo.  The morning leading up to pictures was rough.  I doubted that we should have them done.  I sobbed as I guilted myself for doing them without you.  But the actual process of taking the pictures went so wonderful.  The photographer was a great friend from high school and she made the experience beautiful.  She was so generous with her time and resources and I can't begin to thank her enough.

These pictures are of us.  Not our family as a whole.  Because you're not here.  You were represented by a pink rose, or the teddy bear that Grammy made out of your clothes.  I look at each picture and try to imagine you in it.

How do I live this life without you?  I was over come while I was driving in the car yesterday.  I couldn't stop thinking, "How could God take you away from us?"  You were so special and you made us feel complete.  Without you, Haddie, each breathe hurts.  Life isn't as bright anymore.  I feel like our black and white pictures echo that feeling.  Sometimes I feel like I live in a black and white picture.  I live for the day I can see you again.  How did this happen?  It has been 5 1/2 months and I am still no closer to understanding or accepting. What would life be like with a 15 month old around....

Love you Bo Bo,

Mama

Grammy and You

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

I don't really have much to say tonight just that I miss you so much baby girl.

Today Eloise and I went over to Grammy's house for dinner.  Tomorrow she leaves for Florida for the winter.  She has been doing this for the last 5 years or so.  Last year she went and we missed her.  But when she came back she couldn't believe how big you got.  She came back with hand made teddy bears for you and Eloise.  She also had made you guys your first matching sister outfits.  She came back early to watch you guys while Mama and Daddy went on a cruise.  Our first vacation without our girls.  This vacation was amazing and we made so many great memories.  But now I can't bear to even think of them because after we got back you were gone two short weeks later.  I wish that I never took that cruise because that would have been one more week I got to spend with you.  Grammy recently shared a story with me about you the week we were on the cruise.  Grammy said that she would have you and your sister race up the stairs to your rooms.  Elo would be at the top in moments.  You would climb the stairs a couple at a time and then stop, and turn around, and look at Grammy. You would give her your famous toothy grin.  Just to make sure she was still behind you.

Grammy leaves every year but this time it's harder.  Even though I don't see her everyday or call her everyday just knowing she is here is a comfort.  Grammy is the strongest woman I know and she is my hero.  I am so glad you got to spend that week with her before you left.  In a lot of ways you are just like Grammy.  You both don't love large groups of people you prefer one on one.  You both have blue eyes and white skin.  You both have changed my life forever.  You both have taught me so much about life and give me strength.  

Grammy is actually my Grandma she adopted me when I was 6 months old.  She had raised her kids and thought she was done raising kids....God had another plan.  When I was 5 her husband/my dad abandoned our family.  They had been married for 25 years and she had been a homemaker.  She had to go to school, get a job, and support us.  She worked hard to provide for us and I am so grateful for all the sacrifices she made for me.  We weren't rich but our needs were met.  Sometimes the age difference between us made somethings difficult but I wouldn't change my upbringing for anything.  Anytime I dealt with something hard I thought she didn't understand.  It took me awhile to realize that she did understand and lived through some of the hardest trials life could bring.  I would be nursing a broken heart and she was there for me, because she also had a broken heart.  When I had my miscarriages, she understood because she had also had a miscarriage at 5 months.  God put us together for a reason, we need each other.  

I love you baby girl.  Missing you tonight.

Love, 

Mama

I know you would want me to be happy.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I woke up first yesterday morning before anyone else.  Since you have passed we usually sleep until we both wake up together or Eloise comes and gets us.  Recently I have started waking up earlier than everyone else.  This makes me think "things are getting back to normal".  I have adapted to my devastation and now it doesn't effect as much as it did?  Does that make sense?  Well yesterday I woke up and I ran to the store to get donuts.  Saturday donuts has kind of become a tradition around here lately.  You would have loved it.  I came back home and everyone was still sleeping.  So I started to pick up the kitchen.  I was emptying the dishwasher when it hit me.  It was so quiet.  We have quiet mornings now.  I started to cry because I was angry that it was quiet.  

You used to wake me up before anyone else.  You could wake me up out of a dead sleep.  You wouldn't cry or scream, you would be quieting talking to yourself, giggling, or babbling.  This may sound crazy but I would get so excited to go get you in the morning.  To see your face light up when you saw mine is indescribable.  I cherished that moment then but now looking back at those moments I have no words.  I would make you a bottle and we would cuddle as you drank it.  Just you and me.  Our special time together.  I miss that so much.  I would put you in your walker in the kitchen while I started making breakfast.  I would feed you graham cracker after graham cracker to keep you happy.  You were so speedy in the walker and you loved to get going and run into my feet.  You had no idea how painful it was, you just wanted to be near me.

How does this happen?  How does a precious baby get taken away from a mother.  It's just not right...ever.  How can you give birth to a baby, nurse her, love her, adore her for 9 months to have it all gone in a day.  Especially knowing the pain the mother would feel for the rest of her life.  Knowing what we had once....is no more.  There is no fix, no end in sight.  Nothing brings you back and that reality is the harshest.  I feel like this reality has been more present recently and gets stronger by the day.  Maybe because with the holidays approaching it makes you realize how much you are missing.  How happy things would be if you were here.  No matter how many tears I shed you won't come back.  No matter how many laughs I have it doesn't bring you back.  I know you would want me to be happy, but sometimes I just can't.  Bottom line I miss you and I will never stop loving you.

Love,

Mama

I am disappointed.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I often wrestle with Heaven.  For as long as I can remember I believed in Heaven and Hell.  I used to believe that when we went to heaven we would spend all day praising God.  Which meant on our knees...all day.  Yes I want to praise God in everything that I do but I don't think that means being on our knees all day.  Since then there has been all sorts of books and movies that have come out about heaven and what it is like.  It has opened up all new discussions about what heaven could be like.

Since loosing you I find that I think about heaven a lot.  I think about what it will be like.  If I will see you again.  If you will recognize me.  Will we spend time together?  Will you be a baby or will you be who God intended you to be?  Sometimes I get angry that you are in heaven.  You should be here with us.  You were 9 months old you belong here.  All your needs are met in heaven and you don't need me.  I really get angry when I think about this.  I feel robbed of getting the chance to be your mother.  You don't need a mother in heaven.  Sometimes I wonder if I truly believe that there is a heaven.  Or is this something I tell myself to make me feel better about what happened?

I was speaking with a close friend about all of these crazy thoughts that run through my mind daily.  She said to me, "I am sure we won't be disappointed."  I really hope that's true and I have been holding on to that.  Because right now in this life I am living here on earth I am disappointed.  I feel let down.  I know God didn't promise us a life that is easy without hardships.  I know that many people suffer worse than me everyday.  But I do suffer too.  Everyday our family hurts without you baby girl.  The day I will see you again seems so far away and I don't know how I will do it until then.

Some sent this verse to me the day of your funeral and I cling to this verse often. 

I put a new picture of you on my phone as my "lock screen".  Eloise saw it the other day and said, "That's Haddie Bo Bo, she's happy again."  It makes me wonder what she thinks about you.  We always try to talk about you in a positive way in front of Eloise.  We say things like, "Haddie would have loved that."  Or we say, "Do your remember when Haddie bit your bottom. She loved you."  But after she said that she started singing, "Haddie Bo Bo I miss her. Haddie Bo Bo, Haddie Bo Bo."  Over and over again.  

This is the picture Elo saw

You are missed by everyone.  There is a hole in our family that will NEVER be filled.  I will always save that spot for you.

Love you,

Mama

5 Months Without You

Haddie Bo Bo,

5 months without you.  Sucks.  I hate it with every fiber of my being.  5 months seems like and eternity since I have held you, kissed you, smelled you, seen you smile.  5 months also seems like it was yesterday.  5 months seems like it happened so fast, "5 months already?"  5 months also seems like, "Wow it's only been 5 months, it feels like forever."  I despise it.  I despise this life without you.  5 months doesn't get easier.  How is this our life?  How did this happen to us?  I am so incredibly angry and my words are not enough for this pain.

It's been a really dark couple of days.  Halloween was so depressing.  Another holiday that we are torn with wanting to celebrate, but just feeling so sad inside.  I couldn't get it together.  I was too sad to follow through on any of my plans.  We cancelled everything and stayed home.  We did pass out candy at our house and we took Eloise trick or treating in the rain.  She loved it and sang, "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.  Little Johnny wants to play rain, rain, go away."  She sang it in her growl voice which made it hilarious.  We walked up to a house down the road from us.  The lady was so sweet to Elo she said, "Take some extra for your Mama."  Then she said, "Take some extra for your little brother or sister.  Do you have a little brother or sister?"  There was a pause and I said, "No."  Then she said, "Oh not yet."  Then I said nothing.  I felt so guilty Haddie and I am so sorry.  I should have said, "Yes, she lives in heaven."  Or something to acknowledge that you lived, that you were here, that you are still part of our family.  I failed you and I HATE that.  I was so caught of guard.  We ended the night watching Curious George's Boo Fest eating candy.  So even though I couldn't get out of my sadness we still had a good family day.  

Haddie you deserved so much more than this.  Than what happened to you.  You deserved to live this life with us and all the happiness and the sadness that it brings.  You will forever be that "perfect" baby because you didn't have a chance to be "naughty".  I didn't have the chance to tell you no, or send you to time out.  I wish I could have given you everything, a full life.  I want my family to be complete again.  I want us not to hurt for you.  I love you so much.  

Love,

Mama