Last year when everything in my world was right.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I have been praying more and more that I dream about you.  I have only had 3 dreams about you. 2 were nightmares about how you died, and 1 was a good dream.  I would think that because 99.9% of my awake time is thinking about you that naturally I would dream about you.  The other night I know that I dreamt about you and I remember waking up in the middle of the night and thinking that I have to remember this dream.  Well guess what...I don't remember it, and it's driving me crazy.

Yesterday was Eloise's Halloween party at school.  She made the most adorable Queen Elsa.  Elo's teacher had sent an email about the Halloween party and what to expect.  She said families were welcome to come.  Everyone gathered in the party room and I looked around.  Everyone had a baby or younger sibling there.  EVERYONE.  Everyone but us.  I started to feel anxious and I eventually left the room to retreat into Aunt Alisa'a office in tears.  My feelings were unexpected and I wasn't prepared for them.  It made me miss you, and my arms felt empty.  I also grieved for Eloise because she didn't have "her baby"  there too.  It's so unfair.  I felt out of place without you there to hold and chase around.

I will really miss dressing you up this year.  Last year we didn't really dress you up in a costume because you were still so little nothing fit right.  But this year you would have been a pig.  You would have made the cutest little piglet.

Here are some pictures from last year when everything in my world was right.  

You and your best buddy Cruiser.  

Missing you today like always. 

Love you baby girl. 

Mama

Can't Catch A Break

Haddie Bo Bo,

It has been a rough couple of days and I am really missing you.  I have been living on the verge of tears and it takes the littlest thing to set me off.

Tuesday we took my car into the shop to have some work done.  We knew it would be an expensive job but we also needed our family vehicle and we just paid it off.  We got a call later in the day and they told us that the car's motor was shot and it wasn't safe to drive.  We called around to see what we would get to trade it in and the best offer we found was $400.  We have had some huge life changes in the last few months.  The biggest and most painful is you being gone.  The fact that you are gone effects everything we do.  I have since quit my full time job to stay home and take care of Eloise.  So I went from working full time to being home with Eloise full time.  We also went from being a two income family to a one income family.  Our goal was to pay off all of our monthly debt for us to be able to live on one income.  So we just paid off everything....and this happens.

Today we found a car and we bought it.  Most people would think getting a new car is a good thing.  I would have too if you were still here. I never realized how many memories and attachments I would have to our car.  I brought Eloise and you home from the hospital in this car.  It's the only car that Eloise and you have rode in together.  I remember Eloise trying to touch you when you were crying.  She would also say, "Mama, Haddie sleep".  I still sometimes find myself looking in my rearview mirror for you. I would pick you guys up from daycare and we drove home.  I would get so excited to get out of the car and open your door and see your toothy grin or your chubby cheeks as you slept.  That car held all my memories of you in a car.  As I was cleaning out the car I would find "Haddie" things.  I found a size 2 Haddie diaper that fell into a crack.  I found a sticker from church with your name on it for nursery.  I found a boot of yours that had gone missing a long time ago. This new car won't have any memories of you.  This new car won't have any "Haddie" things to be found in it.  So yes I cried as I thought through these things.  As we drove away leaving our car at the dealership I cried.  This seems so silly over a car but it just reminds me that life goes on without you.  I HATE IT.  HATE IT.

I hate that we can't seem to catch a break.  I hate that our worst nightmare came true and we live with that everyday.  But not only that but everything seems harder without you.  Things like this make me angry.  I find that I get angry when things in my day start to go wrong.  Things that wouldn't have bothered me before are now huge issues.  Things that are "normal" life stuff, like trading in a car, make me feel like I am loosing my mind.

So I guess we won't be moving anytime soon because if I was this attached to our car I can't imagine leaving this house.

Haddie, you are missing from each and every moment of our days.  I feel it to the very core of my being.  I can't imagine life feeling any different now.

Love,

Mama

It was hard to breathe

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday was a big day.  It was the first time I shared your story publicly.  I tried my best to honor you and tell people about how you lived. It was a beautiful day outside, warm, and sunny, I like to refer to it as a Haddie day.  As the time for the service got closer I started to have a funny feeling in my tummy and it felt hard to breath.  It was nerves mixed with excitement and anticipation.  I think everyone in the world should know about you!  I wore THE dress.  The dress I thought I would never wear again.  The one that I wore to say goodbye to you.  I thought it was fitting.  I did a lot of crying preparing to share your story.  I didn't think that I would have any tears left for the service.  I was able to get through your story with minimal tears.  But there was a slideshow with pictures of many babies that now live in heaven.  Your picture came up on the screen.  You were beautiful, happy, and perfect.  It's still such an odd feeling that your picture belongs next to other babies that have passed.  Its hurts deep in my soul to see your sweet face up there.  I started your story off by saying, "It's surreal to me that I am here sharing my story. I wish more than anything that this wasn't my story."  It's true I can't believe that this happened to us.   When I thought about life and family losing a child wasn't something I considered. I can't belief that you are not here.  When I saw your picture up there it was almost like I was surprised to see it even though I knew it was going to be there.  I started sobbing and I couldn't stop.  Many of the people that loved you came to hear your story.  They have been a big part of your life, and now your story.  We felt so loved and supported.

After the service there was a balloon release.  We all wrote you name on our balloons to send them to you.  Eloise had a balloon too and she drew something special for you.  When it came time to release the balloons Elo had a hard time parting with her balloon.  I said, "Don't you want to send your ballon to Haddie?"

"No!" She said.  "My balloon."  Very fitting for a big sister.  Aunt Alisa said it best when she said, "Haddie would want you to keep your balloon."

If you were here I know that you would give Elo your biggest bite ever.

I saw somewhere that there is 9 weeks until Christmas.  I thought that can't be right.  We went to Hobby Lobby today and there are Christmas decorations everywhere.  I loved Christmas, Thanksgiving, the whole holiday season.  I wish I could still love it.  It is like a tug a war inside my head.  Most of the time I am so overwhelmed with the thought of celebrating anything without you.  Everything is a reminder of your absence.  I know everyone says the first year of first are the worst and then it gets easier.  I just can't see this getting any easier.  This year would have been so fun watching you on Christmas morning.  I don't see how a year will make this feeling any less.  I really don't want anyone to tell that to me...ever.

Haddie I love you.  I loved our life with you....I miss seeing your chubby cheeks as you slept.  I loved that I could lay in you in your crib at night and you went to sleep with no crying.  Eloise always screamed and sometimes still does.  I love that about her too.  You guys are so opposite.

Eloise and Haddie so different but so alike.

Look at those cheeks

Miss you with every breath that I take. 

Love,

Mama

That's Christmas to me

Haddie Bo Bo,

The past week has been so busy.  I have been super distracted by life that I haven't grieved you like I should.  There was a day this week that as I climbed into bed I said, "I didn't cry today."  I usually at some point in my day cry for you.   It's hard when my days are crazy and I don't have special time set aside to think about you and remember.  Even during my busy busy days you are always in my thoughts.  I think about you every minute.  Many would think that is an exaggeration, but it is not.  Life is just a constant reminder of you and how you aren't here living it with us.

This past week we got new carpet in our bedrooms.  So we did some rearranging of furniture and decorations.  I put a picture of you and Elo on her night stand next to her bed.  Yesterday at nap time I snuck upstairs and I was peeking in her bedroom.  Elo had took your picture and set it in bed next to her.  I watched for a few minutes as she hugged the picture.  Heartbreaking and heartwarming.

We finally booked a little getaway for Christmas.  We will be heading to Florida and we will be staying right on the beach.  We aren't too far from Orlando so we plan on going to Disney on Christmas and visiting Sea World at some point.  I am very relieved to know we won't be home.  The thought of waking up on Christmas morning without you is unbearable.   How do you celebrate a holiday like Christmas with out you.  But at the same time I didn't think I could celebrate your sister's birthday either and we did.  It was a little easier because I was focusing on Elo.

This Sunday I will be sharing your story at an Infant Memorial Service.  This is the first time that I am sharing your story in front of a big group.  I am telling your story because it deserves to be told.  People should hear your name and learn who you are.  This is a way I will honor you.

Today I went on a random adventure with a good friend and her little girl who is your age.  We headed to Fort Wayne, Indiana to a Matilda Jane warehouse sale.  I spent the day looking through bins and bins of size 4 clothes.  Occasionally I would find myself sorting through the size 2 bins.  Looking at the outfits I would have bought you. I hate that I live life dreaming of the things I would have done with you or bought for you.  Watching Eloise chase this little girl around tugged at my heart.  She misses you.  This morning at breakfast she was chattering about you and yelled, "Haddie Bo Bo come back."  I echo that.  My heart longs for that.  I am destined to live with this ache.  

A friend who also loved to watch you sent me a picture this week.  It came up on her timehop and I have never seen it before.  That's like christmas to me such a gift.

Here it is.  I miss that bald head so much!

Love,

Mama

Elo turns 3

Haddie Bo Bo,

October 15th was Infant Loss Awareness day.  We participated in the "Flicker of Light".  People all across the globe light a candle for their baby they lost at 7:00pm.  You let it burn for an hour and there will be a continuous wave of light across the globe for 24 hours.  I asked Aunt Alisa, Aunt Rachel, and Aunt Emily to light candles for you too.

 Today we celebrated Elo's birthday.  The first of many birthdays she will celebrate without you and that thought makes me mad.  It was one of those almost perfect days. This morning I couldn't sleep so I got out of bed and started getting things ready.  There is something so wrong about having Elo's birthday without you. We threw the biggest party we could I left for the party early to decorate and get situated.  I had a 25 minute car ride to think about you.  I cried and grieved the fact that you weren't here for this big day.  I didn't want Elo to see me cry on her day. You should have been sitting right next to Elo as she blew out her candles.  Eloise did have some unwanted help from her buddy Hollis.  

A friend's daughter who came to the party today told her mom that last year at Elo's party was the first time she held you.  I love getting these little tidbits of information.  It is truly the best gift.  One of my really good friends struggles with infertility.  She and her husband came today and I know it was hard to see everyone with their kids.  It was so selfless.  She  said to me she missed seeing you run around with all the other kids today.  The party was so fun and loud.  Adults were jumping around like kids sometimes it was chaotic.  But even in the chaos your absence was felt.  For me it was screaming in my head.  These kind of days are the some of the hardest.  The days that we should be making the best memories together.  Elo should be yelling at you right now for trying to play with her new toys.  "No Hads....Hads." I wish more than anything I was breaking up that fight tonight.  

We honored you today by displaying one of the bears that Grandma made out of your clothes and a picture of you and Elo.  I know that you are having the best celebration up in heaven today.  But I really wish you were here instead.  We love you and missed you so much today.  There is a deep ache in my chest for you.

Love, 

Mama

Your Cry is music to my ears.

I have sitting here watching video after video of you through my tears.  What a gift it is that I have these videos of you.  I wish I had more.  I love that I can see you so alive; I just want to reach through the screen on my phone and hold you.  I want to remember what it's like to hold you in my arms.  I watched a video over and over and you where crying in the video.  I miss your cry and if you were here I would never complain about your cry ever.  Hearing it is music to my ears.

We went away last night to "celebrate" our 5th anniversary.  Some dear friends of ours made it possible for us to stay over night in Grand Rapids and have a nice dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House.  We spent time walking around the city looking at Art Prize and people watching (my favorite activity).  I am not sure "celebrate" is the word I would use to describe our time together.    I just don't think that "celebrate" is something I can do with out you, living through the trauma of loosing you.  Does that mean we didn't enjoy our time?  Not at all. We had fun, we laughed, played, and relaxed.  We reflected on the struggles we have been through and talked about how different our life is now.  I am sure if we were celebrating our anniversary and you were still here our conversation would have been much different.  We probably would have talked about what our future holds, goals, plans, etc for our family.  I probably would be planning our next big family vacation while your Daddy rolled his eyes. But instead we talked about how bad it hurts that we are forgetting the day to day stuff of having you around.  We talked about how our day to day is "easier" with one child and WE HATE IT.  We talked about missing the craziness of having two young girls.  We talked about seeing you again and how that seems so far away.  We talked about feeling depressed and the topic of suicide and if it's a struggle or not.  We talked about how we feel robbed of pure joy.  We talked about our grief for Eloise when she misses you. We talked about how waking up every morning we have a minute where we forget that your not here...but that only lasts for a minute probably even less.

There were so many people downtown Grand Rapids and it made me wonder how many people are walking around with the same hurt as us.  I did have the best steak I have ever eaten.  We face-timed with Eloise 5 times in less than a 24 hour period.  It's hard to leave a child after loosing one.  We enjoyed yummy ice cream and a stroll around the Grand River.  We are so grateful for the time to spend together and be away.  This weekend we will "celebrate" Eloise's birthday.  You should be here helping her open her gifts baby girl.

I am off to make dinner...I wish you were here to stand at my legs.  I remember I used to feed you so many graham crackers just so I could make dinner.  You just wanted to be by me after being at daycare all day.

I miss you so much it hurts....my heart will be forever broken.

Love,

Mama

Grief is a monster

Haddie Bo Bo,

Grief is a monster.  A crazy monster that shows up with no warning.  It can be disguised as many different emotions and has no concept of time and it really doesn't care if it is an inconvenience.  Today I was supposed to accompany Eloise on her first field trip to Klackles Apple Orchard.  Her preschool class usually meets in the afternoon but our field trip was in the morning.  Since you have been gone mornings are hard.  It's hard to get out of bed and be motivated.  So I decided that if we were up and ready to go then we would go to the field trip.  If we weren't I wasn't going to force it.  This morning came and we were up and ready to go...20 minutes late but recently that is on time for us.  We headed out and arrived right as everyone was getting on the wagon to go pick apples...perfect timing!  Since this was our first field trip I didn't know what to expect.  There were a lot more people than I thought there was going to be.  We rode quietly to the apple trees.  When the wagon stopped we all got up and lined up to get off.  Elo's teacher looked at me and gave me a side hug and asked, "Is everything ok?"

I responded with a smile, "Yes."  Because I thought everything was ok.

We got off the wagon and everyone went their own ways.  I didn't realize that everything was not ok until I was asked if everything was ok.  Elo and I headed our own way and I started to cry and cry.  I don't know what it was there was nothing that I can point to and say "this is hard".  We go on with life and we try to make the most of every moment, but no, life it not ok.

I have found that grief can make me feel like I can conquer the world.  It can make me fearless and brave.  I could jump out of an airplane or take on an illness (not that we are asking for one).  Having lost a child it makes me feel like nothing else compares.  I have experienced the greatest pain, I have lived through my worst fear. I saw you in a little casket, I held your cold body, I closed your casket knowing I would never see your face again.  On that same note grief can also make me feel completely powerless.  I can do nothing to change this situation, I can't bring you back, I can't fix this.  I couldn't save you.  Somedays/moments I am so motivated to make a change, tell your story, save the world!  Other days/moments I am completely paralyzed by my grief.

Just because I had a moment on the field trip where I was paralyzed by my grief does not mean it wasn't fun.  We had a blast!  We picked apples, picked out pumpkins, and ate the most delicious donuts.  When Eloise and I got home we painted our pumpkins and painted each other's faces.  Eloise was disappointed there wasn't face painting at the orchard so we did our own.

Elo's Cray Cray

This is your pumpkin Bo Bo

This is Elo's Pumpkin

Of course we are always missing you Bo Bo every moment of everyday.

Love you,

Mama

It will get easier...this is a lie.

Haddie Bo Bo,

It is officially fall and all the fall weather is here.  We have been doing many "fall" activities.  I have found that living life as big as possible makes the days go faster.  Then I am one day closer to seeing you again.

Eloise my little monster

Many people have told me that over time it will "get easier".  So far that has proven false.  Everyday it gets harder for me.  I love my friends so very much and they have been so amazing to us.  I won't lie though it is hard to be around them sometimes.  We lived life together....now when we are together I am reminded of the life I used to have the joy I used to have.  I look at pictures from before you passed and I can see how happy we were and it's painful. Good things are happening all around me and I constantly battle conflicting emotions.  I am truly happy for the blessing my friends have and I would NEVER want anything else for them. No one should know this pain.  Naturally I think anyone would feel this way but I am one of the few that will say what I am thinking.  WHAT ABOUT ME GOD?  I do feel abandoned many times.  You are gone baby girl...and not coming back that reality is cruel and slaps me in the face daily.  We had already begun the discussion of having another child before you left.  So we would love to be blessed with a baby and the joy it would bring to our lives.  There are so many layers of complicated emotions that would go with having another baby now.  I never imagine our family only having two living children.  I never thought there would be a huge gap between my children.  In the past we were blessed to be able to conceive quickly.  Which is a huge blessing because so many struggle with infertility and that pain is very real.  It just hasn't happened for us yet.  Is this God saying we aren't ready the timing isn't right?

A very sweet lady from our church sent me a card the other day with a "Haddie Story".  She told me about the one and only time she met you.  This meant the world to me.  I love when people remember you it is like medicine for my soul.  I only have my memories of you so it's nice to hear others.

A photo of you popped up on my timehop today of your two month check up.  You were a tiny, wiggly, thing.  I brought you to the doctor and to my surprise you had a double ear infection!  I had no idea.  I am so thankful for this phone app because it helps me remember what I was doing with you!

I love you sweet girl.  I would take you back anyday, anyway.  Sick and grouchy bring it on!  

Love you,

Mama

I don't want to live in a year that you didn't exist.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I was looking at the calendar for one reason or another.  One reason being that October 2nd marks 4 months with out you.  I realized that the end the year is coming sooner than I would like.  The end of 2015 terrifies me it brought an anxiety I haven't known yet.  I don't want this year to end....EVER.  I don't want to live in a year that you didn't exist. As soon as this thought crossed my mind I was done for the day.  I had fallen into the pit and nothing was going to be able to pull me out.  Sometimes I just can't do this thing called life without you it's messy and it hurts. The end of the year will come and I will life through it no matter how much I fight it.  Sometimes the hardest part about all of this is I have no control, no other options, I am at the mercy of this thing.  Sometimes I just want to say take me I have had enough and I can't endure one more moment.  Why did this have to happen to us?

Tonight we were all sitting on the couch watching Peppa Pig, Elo's favorite.  I looked over at Chris and said what I was thinking, "I am having a hard time imagining what life would be like if Haddie was here."  I can't believe I thought that and I can't believe I said it out loud, but it's the truth.

I miss you so much, Haddie.  I miss the way you loved me.  The way you had to be close to me no matter what.  I miss the way you needed me.  You needed not only for the normal things like eating but you needed me to be your voice sometimes.  I can't help but think that I failed you terribly by not trusting my gut feeling.  This is the last video I ever took of you.  You had been standing at the screen door babbling loudly and jumping up and down.  I came over and got down on my knees to take the video.  As soon as you saw me you stopped the adorable moment I was trying to capture and came over to me, crawled up me, just to be close.

Elo has been asking me to bring you back more and more.  Today I went to get her out of her bed and she said, "Haddie.  Mama please get her."  I wish I could more than anything.

I am just having a hard time finding the positive lately.  I was talking to a good friend, who has lost her daughter too, about this and she said, "I pray that God shows me that He is still good."  I find myself praying that same prayer.  I have been pregnant 4 times and I have one living child, 2 I never got the chance to hold, and you my sweet girl who was taken.  Our family is so broken without you, incomplete.  Really missing you today and I hate that life "goes on".

I love you forever sweet girl and I promise there will never be a day where I am "over" this.  I will never forget you or that you are part of our family, and I won't let anyone else forget either. I promise.

Living life with you is our greatest joy.

Love,

Mama