My pain will someday be healed

Haddie Bo Bo,

I miss you.  Those words seem so little, so powerless.  They don't accurately describe the constant longing in my inner most being for you.  It's something I can't turn off, it doesn't lessen, it doesn't fade.  

Since you have left us I have found that nothing is the same and I have said this many times.  I have found that the very core of everything I believed as truth has been rocked.  I find myself questioning everything I have ever been taught, everything I have believed.  I have always believed that God is good.  That he wants the best for me.  That His love is unconditional.  I have always believed in heaven and hell.  I have always believed hat God had a plan for my life and this His plan was perfect.  Is this His perfect plan for my life?  

Although I find myself questioning God and wrestling with these questions, I do in my heart know them to be true.  The problem I am having is that I feel hurt I feel betrayed.  I had this close relationship with someone who I thought was always out for my good.  I have had my heart broken by failed relationships and I would comfort myself by choosing to believe that it didn't work because it wasn't God's best for me.  When I lost my first two babies to miscarriages I comforted myself by believing that God had a plan and there was a reason for my pain.  I had a intimate relationship with my God.  So now that you have been taken I feel that I have been hurt by the person who has known me before I was even conceived.  It feels personal.  Why didn't He stop this?  Why didn't He save you?  Why didn't He prove His power by giving us a miracle?

These questions I go over daily in my head.  I wrestle with God in my heart.  Knowing that His promises are still good, but I am not ready to claim them yet.  

I was listening to a song by David Crowder called "Come As You Are".

The lyrics say
" Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
I know that my pain will someday be healed.  I just don't know if that can happen on this earth.  Yes I believe that Heaven can heal.  So I long for heaven I ache for heaven.  I pray for heaven.  When I get to heaven and I see you again my pain will be healed.


Someone who cared for you sent me this video today.  This is what I think of when I think of you, nothing describes you better than this.  This video shows who you are.

I will never stop longing for you.  

Love, 

Mama