Today I can't

Haddie Bo Bo,

There are toys strewn about my living room.  A sink overflowing with dishes.  Food still stuck to the table from last night's dinner.  Eloise is running around, playing, singing, and laughing.  LOUD.  The house still feels empty.  

Today I can't look at your pictures because they hurt to much.  

Today my normal "go to" distractions are not working and I give in to the sadness and the constant flow of tears.  

I am angry.  I let myself say the things I feel even if I know they aren't truth.  

I brought your car seat into the house today.  The car seat I dropped you off in at daycare that Tuesday morning. The car seat I should be cleaning off and preparing for your little brother or sister. The last time I saw you, was in this car seat.  But I can't.  It still smells like you. 

 I should be changing the sheets on the crib.  They still have your drool stains on them.  I can't.  

Today is a day that life seems to hard.  Too daunting.  Too painful.  

I count down the hours until I can go to bed.  Escape from this reality and hopefully dream of you.  

Love,

mama