It has been a rough couple of days and I am really missing you. I have been living on the verge of tears and it takes the littlest thing to set me off.
Tuesday we took my car into the shop to have some work done. We knew it would be an expensive job but we also needed our family vehicle and we just paid it off. We got a call later in the day and they told us that the car's motor was shot and it wasn't safe to drive. We called around to see what we would get to trade it in and the best offer we found was $400. We have had some huge life changes in the last few months. The biggest and most painful is you being gone. The fact that you are gone effects everything we do. I have since quit my full time job to stay home and take care of Eloise. So I went from working full time to being home with Eloise full time. We also went from being a two income family to a one income family. Our goal was to pay off all of our monthly debt for us to be able to live on one income. So we just paid off everything....and this happens.
Today we found a car and we bought it. Most people would think getting a new car is a good thing. I would have too if you were still here. I never realized how many memories and attachments I would have to our car. I brought Eloise and you home from the hospital in this car. It's the only car that Eloise and you have rode in together. I remember Eloise trying to touch you when you were crying. She would also say, "Mama, Haddie sleep". I still sometimes find myself looking in my rearview mirror for you. I would pick you guys up from daycare and we drove home. I would get so excited to get out of the car and open your door and see your toothy grin or your chubby cheeks as you slept. That car held all my memories of you in a car. As I was cleaning out the car I would find "Haddie" things. I found a size 2 Haddie diaper that fell into a crack. I found a sticker from church with your name on it for nursery. I found a boot of yours that had gone missing a long time ago. This new car won't have any memories of you. This new car won't have any "Haddie" things to be found in it. So yes I cried as I thought through these things. As we drove away leaving our car at the dealership I cried. This seems so silly over a car but it just reminds me that life goes on without you. I HATE IT. HATE IT.
I hate that we can't seem to catch a break. I hate that our worst nightmare came true and we live with that everyday. But not only that but everything seems harder without you. Things like this make me angry. I find that I get angry when things in my day start to go wrong. Things that wouldn't have bothered me before are now huge issues. Things that are "normal" life stuff, like trading in a car, make me feel like I am loosing my mind.
So I guess we won't be moving anytime soon because if I was this attached to our car I can't imagine leaving this house.
Haddie, you are missing from each and every moment of our days. I feel it to the very core of my being. I can't imagine life feeling any different now.
Love,
Mama
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