I don't want to live in a year that you didn't exist.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I was looking at the calendar for one reason or another.  One reason being that October 2nd marks 4 months with out you.  I realized that the end the year is coming sooner than I would like.  The end of 2015 terrifies me it brought an anxiety I haven't known yet.  I don't want this year to end....EVER.  I don't want to live in a year that you didn't exist. As soon as this thought crossed my mind I was done for the day.  I had fallen into the pit and nothing was going to be able to pull me out.  Sometimes I just can't do this thing called life without you it's messy and it hurts. The end of the year will come and I will life through it no matter how much I fight it.  Sometimes the hardest part about all of this is I have no control, no other options, I am at the mercy of this thing.  Sometimes I just want to say take me I have had enough and I can't endure one more moment.  Why did this have to happen to us?

Tonight we were all sitting on the couch watching Peppa Pig, Elo's favorite.  I looked over at Chris and said what I was thinking, "I am having a hard time imagining what life would be like if Haddie was here."  I can't believe I thought that and I can't believe I said it out loud, but it's the truth.

I miss you so much, Haddie.  I miss the way you loved me.  The way you had to be close to me no matter what.  I miss the way you needed me.  You needed not only for the normal things like eating but you needed me to be your voice sometimes.  I can't help but think that I failed you terribly by not trusting my gut feeling.  This is the last video I ever took of you.  You had been standing at the screen door babbling loudly and jumping up and down.  I came over and got down on my knees to take the video.  As soon as you saw me you stopped the adorable moment I was trying to capture and came over to me, crawled up me, just to be close.

Elo has been asking me to bring you back more and more.  Today I went to get her out of her bed and she said, "Haddie.  Mama please get her."  I wish I could more than anything.

I am just having a hard time finding the positive lately.  I was talking to a good friend, who has lost her daughter too, about this and she said, "I pray that God shows me that He is still good."  I find myself praying that same prayer.  I have been pregnant 4 times and I have one living child, 2 I never got the chance to hold, and you my sweet girl who was taken.  Our family is so broken without you, incomplete.  Really missing you today and I hate that life "goes on".

I love you forever sweet girl and I promise there will never be a day where I am "over" this.  I will never forget you or that you are part of our family, and I won't let anyone else forget either. I promise.

Living life with you is our greatest joy.

Love,

Mama