That's Christmas to me

Haddie Bo Bo,

The past week has been so busy.  I have been super distracted by life that I haven't grieved you like I should.  There was a day this week that as I climbed into bed I said, "I didn't cry today."  I usually at some point in my day cry for you.   It's hard when my days are crazy and I don't have special time set aside to think about you and remember.  Even during my busy busy days you are always in my thoughts.  I think about you every minute.  Many would think that is an exaggeration, but it is not.  Life is just a constant reminder of you and how you aren't here living it with us.

This past week we got new carpet in our bedrooms.  So we did some rearranging of furniture and decorations.  I put a picture of you and Elo on her night stand next to her bed.  Yesterday at nap time I snuck upstairs and I was peeking in her bedroom.  Elo had took your picture and set it in bed next to her.  I watched for a few minutes as she hugged the picture.  Heartbreaking and heartwarming.

We finally booked a little getaway for Christmas.  We will be heading to Florida and we will be staying right on the beach.  We aren't too far from Orlando so we plan on going to Disney on Christmas and visiting Sea World at some point.  I am very relieved to know we won't be home.  The thought of waking up on Christmas morning without you is unbearable.   How do you celebrate a holiday like Christmas with out you.  But at the same time I didn't think I could celebrate your sister's birthday either and we did.  It was a little easier because I was focusing on Elo.

This Sunday I will be sharing your story at an Infant Memorial Service.  This is the first time that I am sharing your story in front of a big group.  I am telling your story because it deserves to be told.  People should hear your name and learn who you are.  This is a way I will honor you.

Today I went on a random adventure with a good friend and her little girl who is your age.  We headed to Fort Wayne, Indiana to a Matilda Jane warehouse sale.  I spent the day looking through bins and bins of size 4 clothes.  Occasionally I would find myself sorting through the size 2 bins.  Looking at the outfits I would have bought you. I hate that I live life dreaming of the things I would have done with you or bought for you.  Watching Eloise chase this little girl around tugged at my heart.  She misses you.  This morning at breakfast she was chattering about you and yelled, "Haddie Bo Bo come back."  I echo that.  My heart longs for that.  I am destined to live with this ache.  

A friend who also loved to watch you sent me a picture this week.  It came up on her timehop and I have never seen it before.  That's like christmas to me such a gift.

Here it is.  I miss that bald head so much!

Love,

Mama