Letters to Haddie: Last year when everything in my world was right.

Haddie Bo Bo,

I have been praying more and more that I dream about you. I have only had 3 dreams about you. 2 were nightmares about how you died, and 1 was a good dream. I would think that because 99.9% of my awake time is thinking about you that naturally I would dream about you. The other night I know that I dreamt about you and I remember waking up in the middle of the night and thinking that I have to remember this dream. Well guess what...I don't remember it, and it's driving me crazy.

Yesterday was Eloise's Halloween party at school. She made the most adorable Queen Elsa. Elo's teacher had sent an email about the Halloween party and what to expect. She said families were welcome to come. Everyone gathered in the party room and I looked around. Everyone had a baby or younger sibling there. EVERYONE. Everyone but us. I started to feel anxious and I eventually left the room to retreat into Aunt Alisa'a office in tears. My feelings were unexpected and I wasn't prepared for them. It made me miss you, and my arms felt empty. I also grieved for Eloise because she didn't have "her baby" there too. It's so unfair. I felt out of place without you there to hold and chase around.

I will really miss dressing you up this year. Last year we didn't really dress you up in a costume because you were still so little nothing fit right. But this year you would have been a pig. You would have made the cutest little piglet.