If you must die...

Haddie,

So I haven't sold the stroller yet but there is still 1 more day in our sale.  As I was thinking about the stroller some more I remembered the last time you were in it.  It was the week before you left us.  We went for a walk around the neighborhood and you fell asleep.  It was so cute because you were still holding your toys in your hands and your head dropped straight forward.  I didn't know you had fallen asleep so I was shocked when I looked down at you.  It looked so uncomfortable!

Saturday at our sale I sold our baby swing.  I originally bought the baby swing when I pregnant with your sister.  Elo didn't seem to like the swing and neither did you.  So I decided to sell it.  Well someone came along and bought it.  Eloise watched as they put it in their car.  She turned to me and said, "Where Haddie swing going?  That Haddie swing."  She started to cry.  I never thought of that swing as yours so I had no emotional attachments to it.  But Eloise did, and we both cried.

Back when Mama and Daddy were first married before we had you guys we would talk about life and kids.  One of our major hot spots was daycare.  I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I never wanted to have someone else watch my kids more than I did.  I had nothing against daycare, because I had to go to daycare while my mom worked so hard to provide for us.  My mom is my hero by the way.  I was just really passionate about being the primary caregiver for my children.  Well life happened and when we had your sister we were not in a place financially for me to stay home.  So I kept working and we paid for daycare.  Then we found out we were pregnant with you and I still wanted to stay home.  But again we weren't in a position to do that.  I always said I didn't want to have kids unless I could stay home.  This is why....I should have never compromised with myself.  Not that I regret having you because I absolutely do not.  But we could have waited....maybe if we had waited I could have stayed home.  This wouldn't have happened.  You would still be here.  Why couldn't I have been patient?  I just couldn't wait.  Did this happen because I had to have it my way?

I have been feeling like a failure as a mom lately.  I feel like I failed you in so many ways.  But lately because we are still here, and we have to live this life, I feel like I am betraying you.  Then I have your beautiful, smart, spicy, sister that deserves everything and some days I can't seem to get it together.  Today I randomly broke into tears that wouldn't stop and I looked over and Eloise looked scared.  I went over and I said, "I'm sorry Mama is so sad, but I love you so very much."  She wouldn't even look at me.  Now I am failing her and I hate myself for that.  I really hate how I feel and I hate that this is our life.  You and your sister deserved a life together with all the happiness and sadness that come along with that.  I am struggling to figure out how I can do it.

Your Daddy and I are going to our first grief counseling session tomorrow.  I hope that this will help give us some direction in living this life without you.

I love you....and your sister so much.  Living life with you is our greatest joy.

Love,
Mama