I'm Drowning...

Haddie Bo Bo,

I am drowning today.  Everyday there is a sadness that I carry around.  But today I am overcome with thoughts of you.  I am missing you and I am surviving moment by moment.  What can I do to get through this day, this hour, this minute?  It's all I can do to keep going.  If I start to think about how much life I have to live until I see you again it's unbearable.  God help me.  God help me.  Even though I am surrounded by people who love me I feel alone.  

It's difficult to say, that living this life is hard, and I am sure it's difficult for family and friends to hear.  But it is hard its torture.  I know I have things to look forward to for Eloise.  But the pain is so raw and fresh that it is swallowing me whole.  I am so angry that the rest of my life I have to carry this around with me.  I do cherish the good memories with you but they are still so painful.  So sometimes I can't think about them, because I get physically ill.  Loosing a child is the cruelest event that can ever happen.  

I have been blessed with so many people in my life that have shown us support.  I am a huge believer that family is a choice.  Your Aunt Emily, Aunt Alisa, and Aunt Rachel are my sisters.  I have always wanted a sister...always.  I was so happy to be able to give Eloise the sister I never had.  Aunt Emily was with me when I was told that you were gone and she didn't leave my side for days.  I called Aunt Alisa and told her at work and she walked out of teaching a class to be with me.  Aunt Alisa called Aunt Rachel and she dropped everything at her job in Chicago to be with me for 4 days straight.  These ladies have kids, husbands, jobs, and so many responsibilities that they put aside to sit with me.  I am forever grateful and the words "thank you" are so not appropriate.  My love and appreciation for them goes so deep.  We were close before this happened but now the bond is so strong.  They each carry a piece of you around their neck and it's so special, Haddie.  They cry with me.  They cry for you.  They grieve with me.  

We have been so humbled by the love that we have been shown by everyone.  The meals, cards, notes, texts, phone calls, etc. have been very encouraging.  It means so much to us that people have been so generous with their time, resources, and spirits.  It challenges me to be a better person.  It has brought back my faith in humanity.  I wish I could personally thank everyone.  

Haddie we miss you.  I wish you were here.

Love,

Mama