Since you have died I have met several parents who have lost a child. What's crazy about that is many of them I had known or already met them but I didn't know they had lost a child. Funny thing is parents who have lost a child look normal on the outside. I had never known the trauma and sadness that they experience until they told me. This makes me look at the world differently. This past weekend at the waterpark there were so many parents and so many kids. I remember looking around and seeing parents holding their babies and feeling jealous because they looked normal and like they had a normal happy family. But just because they look normal doesn't mean they are. Looking around I couldn't help but think, "How many parents here have experienced the same tragedy as me?" This also makes me wonder how many times I have not knowingly hurt one of these parents. Hurt them by just being that "perfect happy family", saying the wrong thing, etc. But now being part of that group I know that it's not the perfect family that is "hurting" me. It's the the experience of losing your child. After something like that everything hurts. A sunny day hurts. Birthday parties hurts. Family gatherings, family pictures, trips to Meijers, everything hurts. But I can't avoid the hurt, because it's everyday, every moment. So it's ok that it hurts because that's my new normal.
We did make it to the Saturday night service at Ridge Pointe for church. On the drive there we were quiet, both inside our heads. I started to feel the anxiety rising as I pulled in. The last time I pulled in that parking lot was for your funeral. Eloise had fallen asleep on the way there....of course. So we headed into the service with her asleep on Daddy's shoulder. The music started to play and I started to cry. I couldn't bring myself to sing any of the songs. I sat there and read the words with tears streaming down my face. I know I can and should find comfort in God but my heart isn't ready yet. I am still mad. It's hard to sing a song about wanting God to do what He wants with my life when that meant you not being here. When Eloise woke up I left the service to take her to her class. I started to check her in on the computer and you weren't there. They had taken you off our sign in page. I know they did it thinking of me and that it might be hard seeing your face. I took Eloise down the preschool hall and I didn't look down the nursery hall where your class is. The Sunday before you past your Daddy and I were working in the preschool class. I remember looking down the hall and seeing the supervisor carrying you around on her hip. I didn't want to look down that hall and not see you. Overall the first experience back at church was good. Aunt Emily and Uncle Aaron were there to help us through. I emailed the lady in charge of the kids program and asked if she can put you back on our sign in page. She said, "Of course!" You are still a part of our family and that will never change. I will always say, "My girls."
Love,
Mama
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| This was you that last Sunday Morning on our way to church |
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| This was on the way home from church...those cheeks. |
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