I'm fighting a constant war in my head...

I miss you, so I look at your pictures.  This makes me miss you more.  I then watch all of you videos and sob through them.  Nothing eases this pain.  Nothing fills this hole.  Nothing makes me less angry.

Haddie,  I am constantly fighting a war in my head.  

"Is she really gone?" 

"Was she really here?"  

"God take me now!"  

"Bring her back". 

"Wake me up" 

"Why are you hurting me" 

"I can't do this anymore". 

"I don't want to do this anymore"
"Why me?"

We had dinner with some good friends last night that have also lost their precious daughter.  It has been a little over a year from them.  We had great conversation and were able to speak freely.  There was something comforting about being around people that understand the same kind of pain as us.  We felt free to cry together and say the things you don't say to just anybody.  The scary thoughts or the weird thoughts you have on a daily basis.  It's also nice to find out your not a "crazy person" and others have thought these thoughts.  As comforting as it was they did confirm that their pain is still very present a year later.  They still have days that they can't seem to get it together.  They still have days that the tears don't stop and the aching is unbearable.

Today we are having a garage sale.  This is Eloise's first garage sale and she is having some attachment issues.  I did not plan for these breakdowns.  It's kinda hard to make a sale when the child is screaming, "That's MY toy!"  I am also selling the double stroller that I used for you and Eloise.  I am hoping it sells because it's heavy and takes up a lot of room in our garage.  I also feel like it taunts me every time I look at it.  I see the spot where you should be sitting and I am reminded of what I don't have.  Of course I am keeping anything of yours that has good memories.  Which is mostly everything except that stroller.

Our adventures in that stroller

As always Haddie I am missing you today is no different.  I sit here wondering how this garage sale would be different if you were here.  I sure it would be interesting and hard that's for sure and I would welcome that challenge.  I hope that you and our friend's baby girl are having a great time today with Jesus.  I can't wait for the day that we join you.  

Love you so much,

Mama