Why am I putting your life into a chest?

Haddie Bo Bo,

Everything of yours has been left untouched.   Your bottles, formula, cereal, and snacks are still in your cupboard.  Your crib still has the same drool stained sheet on it.  Your clothes are still in your drawers and your toys are on your floor.  Everything has been untouched until yesterday.  I started sorting through your cupboard throwing away expired food.  I packed away your bottles and the paci's you never used.  I cleaned and put away the breast pump.  I went through all of the baby medicine.  I have a hard time throwing away anything that has your name on it.  I came across a bottle of Tamiflu that was prescribed to you and I couldn't bring myself to put it in the trash.  It's as if throwing away something with you name on it is getting rid of a memory or a step forward with out you.

I sorted through your clothes and put really special outfits into a toy chest that is now the place I keep your special memories.  I put every all the sympathy cards we received into this chest and I reread every single one.  I put every card from every bouquet of flowers we got into the chest.  I put all the special toys that you loved into the chest.  Why am I putting your life into a chest?  I don't know!!!! You should be here and I shouldn't have to do this.

I bought a brand new baby book for you.  The one I had isn't detailed enough.  I want to write down every memory I can remember about you.  So when I am 80 years old sitting on my front porch I can look at it and remember what you were like.  What's sad is that I am already forgetting.  I had to look through my facebook posts to see what you were doing so I could write it in your baby book.  The life of a mother who has lost a child is full of things that hurt.  It's full of things that you do because you have to.

I have agreed to speak at an Infant's Memorial Service on October 25th.  I am going to be telling your story, Haddie.  I am not sure what that story is yet but I know it deserves to be told.

This is a picture from the day you were sick and I had to give you the Tamiflu.  I just miss you so much and all I want is to hold you again.

Love you,
Mama