When I was young I dreamt of my life, my future, and what it would be. I dreamt of the guy I would marry, the house I would have, the children I would love. I imagined our lives together the things we would do, the places we would go, the traditions we would make. I spent a lot of time dreaming about these things. In fact in my adult life I still dreamt about these things. For good or bad I was always comparing my life to my dreams and constantly trying to make them come true.
We had a wonderful life, Haddie. I wanted to give my children the things I didn't have. When I had Eloise I knew I wanted to give her the sister I never had. I wanted them to have the Dad I didn't have. I had a Daddy for my children, and a sister for my Eloise, I had you. I have an amazing husband who loves me, works hard, takes care of our house, and loves my girls. I had two beautiful girls, sisters. We traveled, we had adventures, we lived life and loved it. My dreams did come true.
Never did I plan for or even imagine that my dreams would come crashing down into a million pieces. You dying was never part of this dream and it really messes things up. When you're young you dream of the future, and your parents try to prepare you for life ahead. No one prepares you for the part of life that isn't pretty. When talking about life the parts about possible miscarriages, infertility, the devastating loss of a child, are usually not mentioned.
Losing you changes everything. Do I dare to dream anymore? The dream has been tainted or I might say the dream we were living is gone. Sometimes I truly live a nightmare. I wake up everyday to the same reality. That although there is joy there is always sadness too. Although we smile, we don't smile as big, or as effortless.
Today Eloise pulled you around in her wagon.
Never in my wildest dreams did I see life this way.
We finally were able to submit a claim for life insurance today. I had to write the word "suffocation" 4 times. It was awful...
Love you baby girl.
Love,
Mama
You don't know me but your story makes me feel close to you somehow. It is truly a blessing to come across your story and Haddies. October 8th 2015 my younger sister gave birth to her daughter. She has a one year old too. She lost Braylee the new baby 27 days after she had her on November 4th 2015 at 4a.m. to suffocation. Her husband and her and her 2 daughters always slept in bed with them and unexpectedly her husband threw his arm over Braylee and she died. In bed with all of them. She was still alive at the hospital but the doctors said it was too late they tried everything to save her but no air would stay in her lungs. Our family because we are so close is in total shock still and it has been 2 weeks since she's been gone and a week since her funeral. I too lost a baby the same way your friend did to no heartbeat. So now we have to daughters in a cemetery laying next to each other and this cannot be so, this is not okay and WHY?!?! It is so hard because your mind still thinks they are here so you look for them only to realize they are not. Where do they go? I believe in God and Heaven but it doesn't comfort us right now because we are left to wonder. Are they okay, do they need something are they cold, scared , all of it and it makes you feel like your soul is gone too and the emptiness so hard to face. Then you see pictures of Braylee ( new baby) and Rules the one year old together and it breaks your whole body not just your heart because she knows she's missing g but she doesn't understand. The holidays are coming in a few weeks and how we will survive them is beyond me. But your family is in our prayers through the holidays too and how thankful I am to stumble across your story. I hope with time my sister will read your story and although so heartbreaking somehow its comforting to know you are not alone when you feel so alone and empty. So thankful for being so brave to share Haddie with the world and what a beautiful angel she is. My heart is with all of you. Thank you and may we all find comfort through Haddie and Braylee somehow because life has to go on and I so wish it didn't. Even though my sister and I have been through a similar situation I find myself not knowing what to say or even how to comfort her and its so sad. Now even more sad to see two cousins who never had the chance to know one another laid to rest right by each other. It is 2 weeks Thursday since she's been gone and nothing will ever be the same and how do you find joy in the memories when they hurt so bad because you just want to hold them one more time. I miss her so so so much and I know my sister misses her more and I don't know how we are all going to go on because she was all our baby we were so excited to have her only to have her gone all at the same time. How do you say hello and goodbye all in once because we only got to know her for 27 days...and it is so unfair and I know by your story you feel the exact same way and I just wanted to say thank you again your story means so much and my heart and prayers are with your family and may we all find comfort somehow.
ReplyDeleteJade.
Rylee not rules for the older sisters name and November 5th 2015 not the 4th sorry I just wanted to get it right not realizing I did not. Because if I don't it won't sit right with me.but thank you.
DeleteJade,
DeleteThank you so much for reaching out to me. I am so so so sorry for your sister's loss and for yours. I am so sorry that your family is going through this right now. It is absolutely the worst pain. Your family has been on my mind since I read your story and in my prayers. I wish I had something that I could say but as you know there is nothing. I don't know why God chose us to walk this path. But you and your sister are not alone. Where are you guys from?