I grew up going to the Allegan County Fair. I loved going and looking at the animals and wishing I was a country girl:) This past week my friend Jamie and her little girl Izzy asked us if we wanted to go. We ended up meeting them there on Friday. We took the girls to see the cows and horses and they loved it. Then we headed over to the rides. Izzy turned 1 year old in July and is just 3 weeks older than you. So whenever I see her it makes me think of you and what you would be doing. In my mind you will always be my 9 month old baby girl. I didn't get to see you walk, talk, or really play with your sister. I find myself shocked sometimes when I see Izzy doing these things because it reminds me that she is still growing. She will not be 9 months forever.
Eloise and Izzy got on a ride and they were sitting next to each other. I couldn't help but think about how if Izzy was tall enough to ride these rides you would have been tall enough to ride them too. As the ride went around Izzy kinda bopped around and fell over in the seat. Eloise put her arm around her and made sure she was ok. I think she might have even said, "You ok baby?" Eloise was being a "big sister" to Izzy. It broke my heart....I wish you were there to ride the rides too. But I was also so very proud of her. I am very grateful for all of my friends that have little ones and let us experience life with them. So thank you Izzy for letting Elo sister you. It's only been a little over 3 months since you have passed. In the big picture that is not a lot of time. But when I am around my friends kids that are near your age I sometimes feel baby dumb. I forget what it is like to have a baby. It seems so long ago when really it wasn't. There is two sides to that thought. It seems so long since I have held you, but it also seems like yesterday that you were here. Ugh it's just awful....so many different feelings.
Today we headed into church and I took Eloise to her class. There was only 1 other little girl in there at the time. For some reason she didn't want to go into her class today which is super unusual. So I went in with her for a little bit. I was trying to get her comfortable and said, "Why don't you play with this little girl." The little girl had blonde hair and blue eyes and was Eloise's age. As she turned around I could see her name tag "Hadley". Not very many little girls are named Hadley but today for some reason God thought I needed to experience this moment. I did not love it. I did not like being caught off guard and having all these emotions slapping me in the face. So I kissed Eloise and pretty much ran out of the room. I am sure the classroom workers thought I was a crazy person. But hey sometimes I am a crazy person. I have these moments of absolute lunacy and I am ok with that because you are not here and THAT IS WHAT IS CRAZY. I just want to grieve on my terms I don't want surprises. Most of the time I can tell when I will be emotional or what will be hard so I am somewhat prepared.
We miss you so much and our family feels incomplete.
Love you,
Mama
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