3 months since you have gone has passed. The feeling is really indescribable. A friend who has lost a daughter wrote me a note and I felt like it summed up how I was feeling. This is what he wrote:
It's profoundly "amazing" that grief can take three months and make it feel like three seconds and three years all at the same time. It can make you hurt like all of your skin has been removed and that you are completely numb all at the same time. It can make you want to be all by yourself and need to be never left alone all at the same time.
I find very little that comforts me from the trauma of losing you and the pain of living with out you. Thinking about seeing you again in Heaven is a truth I believe but right now it doesn't bring me comfort. There are many times where I have spewed many not so pretty words God's way. More so lately. Then the very next moment I am clinging to the promises that I know to be true.
We have done a lot of living in the past couple of days. Eloise and I took a trip with our good friends Katie and Macy up to Michigan's Adventure. It was one of the most fun days we have had this summer. It was good to see Eloise smile and experience her first rollercoaster even if it was just the Little Dipper. Since it was the 2nd of the month I was glad to not be home by myself watching the clock. Even though I was out and about don't think for a second that I didn't remember the moment you died and the horrid moments that followed. That day was so full of trauma I sometimes wonder if it was real. I am so thankful for the people that remembered our "day" and sent well wishes and prayers. The best thing anyone can do for us it to remember you.
Last night we headed out to have dinner on the beach. Even though I didn't have a chance to take you to the beach I feel closer to you there. We played in the sand as the sun set lower and lower into the sky.
We try so very hard to continue to live this life making memories. It can be torture. You are always on my mind and in our new memories in a different way.
I wish you were here walking around, tearing things apart. Oh how different our life is.
We miss you baby girl every moment of every day.
Love,
Mama
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