5 Months Without You

Haddie Bo Bo,

5 months without you.  Sucks.  I hate it with every fiber of my being.  5 months seems like and eternity since I have held you, kissed you, smelled you, seen you smile.  5 months also seems like it was yesterday.  5 months seems like it happened so fast, "5 months already?"  5 months also seems like, "Wow it's only been 5 months, it feels like forever."  I despise it.  I despise this life without you.  5 months doesn't get easier.  How is this our life?  How did this happen to us?  I am so incredibly angry and my words are not enough for this pain.

It's been a really dark couple of days.  Halloween was so depressing.  Another holiday that we are torn with wanting to celebrate, but just feeling so sad inside.  I couldn't get it together.  I was too sad to follow through on any of my plans.  We cancelled everything and stayed home.  We did pass out candy at our house and we took Eloise trick or treating in the rain.  She loved it and sang, "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.  Little Johnny wants to play rain, rain, go away."  She sang it in her growl voice which made it hilarious.  We walked up to a house down the road from us.  The lady was so sweet to Elo she said, "Take some extra for your Mama."  Then she said, "Take some extra for your little brother or sister.  Do you have a little brother or sister?"  There was a pause and I said, "No."  Then she said, "Oh not yet."  Then I said nothing.  I felt so guilty Haddie and I am so sorry.  I should have said, "Yes, she lives in heaven."  Or something to acknowledge that you lived, that you were here, that you are still part of our family.  I failed you and I HATE that.  I was so caught of guard.  We ended the night watching Curious George's Boo Fest eating candy.  So even though I couldn't get out of my sadness we still had a good family day.  

Haddie you deserved so much more than this.  Than what happened to you.  You deserved to live this life with us and all the happiness and the sadness that it brings.  You will forever be that "perfect" baby because you didn't have a chance to be "naughty".  I didn't have the chance to tell you no, or send you to time out.  I wish I could have given you everything, a full life.  I want my family to be complete again.  I want us not to hurt for you.  I love you so much.  

Love,

Mama