I shed lots of tears for you yesterday. I was very angry and just frustrated that your not here and life is hard. There is something hard everyday.
Eloise is talking more and more about you. Yesterday she said, "I am going to wait here until Haddie comes back." Then this morning she grabbed my necklace that I wear that has your ashes in it. She said, "I love you, Haddie."
Aunt Alisa gave me a great idea to make a photo book that I can read to Eloise. So I did it. I made a photo book of you and your sister. I wrote it as you telling Eloise the story of you and her and your time together. It was pretty long but she sat and listened to it which is unusual. At the end you say, "Although I am in heaven with Jesus, I am always in your heart. It's so amazing up here and I can't wait until we can run down these golden streets hand in hand. I will always love you and I will always be your sister. You are the best big sister ever and I am glad you are mine."
Of course I lost it at this point reading it to Eloise. All of those things are true and I am grateful that we can hold onto that. But it totally sucks. I wonder as Eloise understands more and more what happened how will that be lived out in her life. Will she grieve you more as she gets older?
I woke up this morning and checked my time-hop. I had posted this 5 years ago, "I am reminded how precious life is and how it can be taken away so quickly." You never think tragedy will happen to you. Now I am reminded every moment of everyday how precious life is.
Everett and your buddy Crew came over yesterday for a little bit. About 20 minutes into their visit I realized that my house is no longer "baby" proof. Crew immediately went to my tubberware drawer and had it empty within minutes. He unplugged all my glade plug ins and gave me a heart attack anytime he put something in his mouth. It has only been 5 1/2 months since you've been gone and I felt a little baby dumb??? If you were still here none of this stuff would have surprised me or caught me off guard. I probably would have been ready for them before they even happened. Aunt Alisa told me that Crew said, "Let's Blaze!!" It's from Blaze and the Monster Machines, and one of Crew's first phrases. I couldn't help but wonder what words and phrases you would be saying. What mischief you and Eloise would be up too. Eloise loves to "sister" Crew. She is always trying to make him laugh, wipe his face, or make sure he is safe. She is a great big sister and she is yours. You two were my dream come true. I really miss those "sister" moments between the two of you.
We miss you horribly.
Love,
Mama
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