I woke up first yesterday morning before anyone else. Since you have passed we usually sleep until we both wake up together or Eloise comes and gets us. Recently I have started waking up earlier than everyone else. This makes me think "things are getting back to normal". I have adapted to my devastation and now it doesn't effect as much as it did? Does that make sense? Well yesterday I woke up and I ran to the store to get donuts. Saturday donuts has kind of become a tradition around here lately. You would have loved it. I came back home and everyone was still sleeping. So I started to pick up the kitchen. I was emptying the dishwasher when it hit me. It was so quiet. We have quiet mornings now. I started to cry because I was angry that it was quiet.
You used to wake me up before anyone else. You could wake me up out of a dead sleep. You wouldn't cry or scream, you would be quieting talking to yourself, giggling, or babbling. This may sound crazy but I would get so excited to go get you in the morning. To see your face light up when you saw mine is indescribable. I cherished that moment then but now looking back at those moments I have no words. I would make you a bottle and we would cuddle as you drank it. Just you and me. Our special time together. I miss that so much. I would put you in your walker in the kitchen while I started making breakfast. I would feed you graham cracker after graham cracker to keep you happy. You were so speedy in the walker and you loved to get going and run into my feet. You had no idea how painful it was, you just wanted to be near me.
How does this happen? How does a precious baby get taken away from a mother. It's just not right...ever. How can you give birth to a baby, nurse her, love her, adore her for 9 months to have it all gone in a day. Especially knowing the pain the mother would feel for the rest of her life. Knowing what we had once....is no more. There is no fix, no end in sight. Nothing brings you back and that reality is the harshest. I feel like this reality has been more present recently and gets stronger by the day. Maybe because with the holidays approaching it makes you realize how much you are missing. How happy things would be if you were here. No matter how many tears I shed you won't come back. No matter how many laughs I have it doesn't bring you back. I know you would want me to be happy, but sometimes I just can't. Bottom line I miss you and I will never stop loving you.
Love,
Mama
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