We skipped Thanksgiving

Haddie Bo Bo,

I am hardly, rarely, ever alone.  I sleep with your daddy every night.  I fall asleep next to him, and wake up to him every morning.  Your sister is with me 24/7 with the exception of pre-school two days a week for 2.5 hours.  Friends and framily check on me daily through Facebook, phone call, or text.  I am in constant contact.  

But grief can be so lonely.  I'm inside my head a lot.  Sometimes not wanting to share my thoughts for many reasons.  Sometimes because they would scare just about anyone.  Or I couldn't put words to the feelings I have.  Or for fear that people are tired of listening.  Or that I am just plain depressing.  

I take a sleeping pill every night so I can escape the reality that I live.  Even with the sleeping pill I never feel rested.  I wake up several times throughout the night and constantly toss and turn.  When I do wake up throughout the night I can't take the silence.  I have to turn on the tv and try the whole falling asleep process all over again.  Let me tell you it is a process.  

We skipped thanksgiving today.  I know in my head that I still have a lot to be thankful for, but in my heart I'm not feeling very thankful.  I couldn't bare your absence at the table.  I couldn't bring myself to sit around a table and pretend that life is ok.  We didn't eat turkey. We didn't see family.  Although, we didn't do these "normal" activities today, I couldn't escape the way your absence slapped me in the face anyway.  No matter how much I fought this holiday it didn't matter.  You still weren't here and we felt it every moment.  Your daddy and I would be talking and then there would be silence.  The deafing silence and one of us would say how much we miss you.  How we can't believe we are doing this without you.  How does someone take away your precious little baby girl.  

I ran my first ever 5k today.  I am not a runner.  I would say I despise it.  But you being gone challenges me to live life.  Even when I don't want too.  Experience new things.  So I decided a month ago to sign up for the Turkey Trot.  I did the couch to 5k training to prepare.  Anytime I felt like quitting or walking I would think of you.  If you died and suffered I could do this.  You inspire me to be brave to be strong, to push myself.  The race was a good experience and I would say now that I despise running a little less.  

Elo said to Chris after watching me run by, "Mama runs so fast."  Hahahaha

Elo made a turkey in preschool.  Her teacher asked her what she was thankful for and the first thing she said was, "My Haddie." I am too thankful for you, Hads. I am thankful for getting to carry you in my belly and fee you kick and the privilege of giving birth to you.  I am thankful for the time you were here even though it was entirely too short.  I would still choose you even if I knew the outcome and the pain.  I am thankful for the love we had between us and our special bond that I will carry forever.  I love you. I love you.  I love you. 

Love,

Mama