Last night I was watching a video of you on my phone and Elo came over. She saw you and her face lit up and said, "Hi Haddie Bo Bo!" She waved frantically at you on my phone. My heart melts.
What are you doing up there today, Haddie? Today it's rainy and blowy and it makes me want you even more. I try to imagine you up there running around chasing bubbles or clouds. Playing with your siblings. It's weird to think that your probably having the time of your life and all I want is for you to come back here.
A couple of weekends ago we had some family pictures taken. I know many families who have lost a child never take a family photo again. I can totally understand that and I probably would do the same thing. But I never took professional pictures of you, except your newborn pictures. I had planned to have your 1 year pictures done and family pictures at the same time. So Eloise had her 3rd birthday and I thought it would be a good time to get some pictures. It wasn't easy. I wanted you to be represented in every single photo. The morning leading up to pictures was rough. I doubted that we should have them done. I sobbed as I guilted myself for doing them without you. But the actual process of taking the pictures went so wonderful. The photographer was a great friend from high school and she made the experience beautiful. She was so generous with her time and resources and I can't begin to thank her enough.
These pictures are of us. Not our family as a whole. Because you're not here. You were represented by a pink rose, or the teddy bear that Grammy made out of your clothes. I look at each picture and try to imagine you in it.
How do I live this life without you? I was over come while I was driving in the car yesterday. I couldn't stop thinking, "How could God take you away from us?" You were so special and you made us feel complete. Without you, Haddie, each breathe hurts. Life isn't as bright anymore. I feel like our black and white pictures echo that feeling. Sometimes I feel like I live in a black and white picture. I live for the day I can see you again. How did this happen? It has been 5 1/2 months and I am still no closer to understanding or accepting. What would life be like with a 15 month old around....
Love you Bo Bo,
Mama
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