I spent some time today looking at photos from the weeks before you passed. We were all so happy in them. Your smile is so big and your eyes so bright and alive. Our life was busy, fun, and best of all full of love. Dance parties in the kitchen, reading books in Elo's bed, early morning cuddles, life was bliss and we didn't even know it. It's such a cliche to say but you never know what you have until it's gone. I always knew that you were special and how you made our family complete. But now I realize I should have never complained about the stupid stuff EVER. Who cares if the dishes aren't done, or the laundry is in piles. That stuff does't matter. Oh what I wouldn't give to go back...
Grief is a funny thing, it effects all parts of your life. Not only have I lost you the most important thing, but everything is changed (I will explain in a future post). That's for the best though, I can't imagine going back to do thing same things with out you, Haddie. My inside is a mess and will never look the same. But our day to day lives will also be different. We may do a lot of the things we used to do but it will be different. My insides are such a broken mess. It's weird that on the outside you look completely normal. I think it should be tattooed on my forehead "lost a child...I'm a mess".
Today a friend wanted to make a special sign for your birthday. I needed to come up with your favorite foods, toys, and activities. I quickly rattled off a couple things...then I struggled. I had to look through your photos to remember some specifics. As we drove home I cried because it's getting harder and harder to remember the everyday stuff that you liked. It hasn't even been a month and I am already forgetting things. I am starting to forget what it was like to hold you. I am starting to forget your giggle, your smell, and the feel of your bald head. I am forgetting what it feels like to have you crawl up me to be close. I am forgetting what it looked like to see your face light up when you saw mine. Haddie, I hate that you are gone and that I am forgetting you. Each day is farther away from you....
We were at the beach the other night and we were having a great time. A friend, so nicely offered to take a family picture. Your daddy and I both looked at each other and said, "No that's ok, thank you." How can we take a family picture with out you, it doesn't seem right. I know that someday we will be able to do that, but we weren't ready. The thought of a taking a family picture with out you literally makes my stomach turn.
Eloise asked if we could visit you...that sucked. But it was sooo sweet. She also thinks that the cards we get in the mail are from you. She says, "Read Haddie's letters." I love her so much. I love you so much.
I want my life back before you were gone. I want my old normal. I want you.
Love,
Mama
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