Curious Mama

Haddie Bo Bo,

Today I am struggling with being at peace.  I know that we will probably never know what happened that day or why you are really not here.  No matter who I talk to or what questions I ask I will never have that answer.  Even if I did get that answer would it matter?

Your Daddy loves you very much and he is missing you.  We have been pretty much on the same grieving cycle, but today we differed in opinions on getting some answers.  I want to know everything there is to know about what happened good or bad.  Do I think this will help me?  I'm not sure.

Today we met with your friend who took such good care of you while Mama worked.  She loved you so much and I have nothing but good things to say about her and your care.  She was able to give us some details about that day.  Some of them helped and made us smile, others where hard to hear, but I had to hear them.  She brought me your favorite toy that you chewed on and I could see that you left your teeth marks all over it.  I rubbed each mark and smiled through my tears.

I contacted the police department for a copy of the police report.  I also left a message with the medical examiner for a copy of your autopsy.  This really bothered your Daddy.  I know it hurts him to think of you that way.  He likes to remember you with a big smile on your face.  I prefer to remember you that way too, but sometimes I feel like I can't stop myself.  Even if I don't ever read those reports at least I will have the option of doing so at some point.  While talking with your friend today I could hear myself asking questions that I didn't know if I wanted the answers too.  It was almost like something was taking me over and I wasn't in control of what I was saying.  I know that your Daddy and me won't always agree or need the same things in this thing called grief.  Hopefully we can just come to a place where we respect, understand, and support what each one of us needs to be more at peace.   I say more at peace because I do not believe there will ever be time where I am at peace about you not being here.  It's just not the way it was supposed to be.  You should be here.

I am having a hard time believing that the paramedics did everything they could to save you.  Maybe it's because you were so happy and full of life that day and it just doesn't make sense in my head that you just stopped breathing.  Where was my miracle?  You hear of these stories where people's hearts stop for long periods of time and a miracle happens and they get a pulse.  Why couldn't that be the story we are telling?

Even after I collect all of these things I am looking for, and read all there is to read, and ask all the questions I feel like I need to ask, it still doesn't make it hurt less.  It still doesn't bring you back.  I am still sitting outside a funeral home waiting for my jewelry to be filled with your ashes.  This is my life.

Even so Bo Bo I love you and you are always and forever in my heart.

Love,

Mama