It's ok to NOT be ok...

Dear Haddie Bo Bo,

It's been 22 days since you've been gone, and I’m sad, sometimes extremely angry.  I think that some people think that it is not ok if you are sad.  God gave us this emotion and so I think it’s ok to use it.  Society is anti-sad, and if you are sad you need to whatever you need to do to make yourself happy again.  You should take medicine if you are sad for longer than a short period of time.  Sadness makes people uncomfortable and they try to rush your grieving process. I know it's hard to see someone in pain and sometimes people don't like to be around it.  People might try to avoid the subject, or just plain avoid you.  I think the misconception is that they feel like it's their job to cheer you up.  There maybe some cases of sadness where that is perfectly acceptable.  With you being gone, Haddie, my sadness makes me feel close to you.  I might feel differently later, and I can only speak for myself, but right now that's how I feel.  

There is definitely a time that I would consider taking a prescription medicine if I needed it. I have in the past and there is no shame in it.  But right now I am 3 weeks out from the day you died and I think it’s ok to be feeling how I am feeling.  I’m supposed to be upset it would be strange if I weren’t.  I think that people are scared to really feel the depth of their sadness.   Sadness is our new normal it accompanies any other emotion we feel.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.  

Yesterday we went boating with your Uncle Eric and Aunt Meggon.  We had a good time, and the weather was beautiful.  There was a moment when everything seemed so good, the sun was lower in the sky, there was a nice breeze, the kids were all playing, and it was calm, and I had this sense that you should be here.  So I spoke that out loud, “Haddie should be here.”  You would have loved it, and would have been the perfect baby that you always were and sat right on my lap the whole time, probably biting me.   So even though we were able to get out of bed and enjoy a day at the lake it doesn’t mean that we weren’t sad.   I think any parent who has lost a child can speak to this feeling that you can experience joy and happiness and still have that sadness in your heart. 

When I got home from the lake I was overcome with missing you.   I felt like I just needed to be close to you.  So I went upstairs and looked at your pictures and watched your videos.  I then sat in the middle of your room and smelled your blankets that I put in a huge ziplock bag to preserve your smell as along as possible.  I sobbed, loud, long sobs, and yelled your name.  If someone had been witnessing this I’m sure they would have felt uneasy.  I think that its ok to do this and I think it's healthy.  When we experience something sad I think it’s healthy to feel all of the emotions that go along with that sadness.  Instead of running from it we should allow ourselves to feel it, and live with it in a healthy way. 

t's a crazy thing to do this baby thing for 9 months straight. Then have it all come to a screeching halt and not have to do any of it.  My days were filled with bottles, washing bottles, baby food, diapers, wipes, holding you, wiping your nose, and many other things that kept me running around.  It all stopped and I still have all of these things here ready for you.  But I know longer do these things, life is strangely simpler and it is torture.  

Today was a good day baby girl and I wish you were here with us.  

Love,

Mama