Two weeks ago today you woke me up early. We went downstairs and I made you a bottle. For some reason this particular day I was busy and instead of holding you like I normally did I let you eat your bottle on the couch. I was busy getting ready for work doing hair, and make up. You crawled to the gate and stood there squealing. I would step out the the bathroom and say, "Haddie Bo Bo". I even probably sang you some ridiculous "Haddie Bo Bo" song. I strapped you into your carseat and drove you to daycare. I was late like usual so I quickly set you down in the breezeway and signed you and your sister in. I didn't take you out of your carseat and hug you. I patted your head told you I loved you and you smiled the toothy grin. Then I was out the door and on my way.
I went about my day checking emails, preparing for a pool inspection, taking phone calls. I had to leave work early because I had a doctor's appointment in Grandville. The pool inspector showed up at 3:00 as planned. I walked around with her and answered some questions, made some jokes. Little did I know you had already taken your last breath.
I left work around 3:40 pm picked up my BFF Emily to accompany me to this appointment. I was going for a consultation because I had found a lump in my breast. Your Daddy was out of town and couldn't come and I didn't want to go by myself. We arrived at the doctor and I was nervous because I hate breast examines. I changed into my gown and my phone rang. The caller ID says "UKNOWN CALLER" so I ignored it. I think I even said, "Stop calling me!"
Two minutes or so later it rings again and I huffed and picked it up. "This is so and so from the Ottawa County Sheriff's department and we need to talk to you."
It is not unusual for the police to call me because of the job that I do. Annoyed I said, "Well I am at the doctor can you call me back in an hour?"
He says, "No it's an emergency."
At this point I am thinking a building at my community is burning down. I said, "Can't you just tell me what it is?"
He says, "No we need to speak with you in person. Where are you?"
Now my heart is in my stomach and I start scrambling in my head, what could it be?
I tell him where I am and he said, "We are sending a police officer there to talk to you."
Not good. I immediately start calling your Daddy. He doesn't answer.
I start panicking a little more. I call my Mother-in-law, "Have you talk to Chris?"
She tells me that she just talked to him. So I call him again and he answers. I fill him in on what the police said and he thinks the same thing as me, it has to be work related. I tried calling the daycare where you are and it goes to voicemail. This was a little alarming and I started having your Daddy call the daycare. I had Emily get ahold of my mom and she is ok. I called my work and speak with my leasing agent. He tells me that police showed up looking for me but wouldn't tell him anything. Your Daddy has since called daycare 6 times and still no answer, he also realized that he missed a call from an "UNKNOWN" number. My doctor comes in and I tell him to quick do the exam and I fill him in on what's happening. There is a knock on the door and the nurse tells us that a policeman is here.
Your Daddy calls back again and I can hear the panic in his voice he says, "The police are at the daycare!"
In walks the policeman and I say, "My husband is on speaker phone just tell us what is going on."
He tells us who he is and I think I might have said something like, "Just tell us!"
"Police were called out to your daycare today and your daughter has passed away."
"Which one!?!?!" Your Daddy and I both yelled. "HADLEY," He said.
Your Daddy was driving back from Lansing and I could hear him yelling. The officer took the phone out of my hand. I was screaming and crying and I am pretty sure everyone in that office heard me. My amazing doctor was holding me and Emily was hugging me. I must have sat in there for another 10 minutes or so because leaving that exam room meant that it was real. I had to deal with it.
The helpful officer refused to escort us back to Holland. So Emily drove as I wailed and asked, "Why?" I also remember sobbing, "My baby, my baby, she's so sweet." I wanted to drive straight to where you were, but the detective said that I was not allowed to do that. We had to meet the detectives at a fire station. We pulled in and your Daddy was there and he was holding your sister. I opened the car door and Eloise ran to me and hugged me.
We went inside and met with 2 detectives, CPS, the Medical Examiner, and several victims advocates. They start by telling us that 2 people in the daycare did CPR until the paramedics arrived and they took over but it was too late. They then started asking us questions like, "Was it normal for Haddie to not eat for several hours?" "Does she sleep with a blanket?" "Does she have any health issues?" "Has she experienced and trauma lately?" This whole time I kept asking when I can see Haddie. They informed me that I could not see her and she was being transported to Blodgett for an autopsy. They had no answers for us and we were just supposed to go home. At some point I had called my other BFF Alisa and told her what happened and that I needed her. She dropped everything and was at the fire station when I got there. Emily took Eloise home. Your Daddy left to head to the house and pick up anything he thought I wouldn't want to see. Alisa drove me toward home, but I couldn't go home. She drove me up and down South Shore drive. After about 40 minutes we ended up in my driveway. By this time people had started to gather at our house. I still couldn't go inside and sat in the car for another 30 minutes. My mom came out to the car cried with me. Eventually I got the courage to go inside. I didn't want to see anyone so I went directly upstairs with every intention of going to my bed. I looked down the hallway and saw your room. It was like a train wreck in slow motion I couldn't stop myself. The door was closed I opened it and saw that everything of yours was put in your room so I wouldn't see it. I sat in your room and bawled as I looked at the walker you loved to go fast in and ram me in the ankles and smile. I cried harder as I smelled your blankets that you slept with last night.
Haddie I have so many questions. Many I ask over and over and what it really comes down to is that I can't get my head around you not being here. When I dropped you off you were happy, healthy, and so alive. It doesn't make sense that you are not here. Sometimes I watch videos of you and it's good to see you. Other times I can't even think about them because it hurts so much. There is a physical ache in my chest for you.
I also don't understand why it took so long for them to call me. This was all happening before I even left Holland for my doctor's appointment. I could have been there holding your hand. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! There are so many things I would have done differently had I known. I would have held you as you drank your bottle that morning. I would have hugged you goodbye. I am so so sorry. I love you baby girl and I am sorry. Another thing I can't get out of my head, I was filling out a questionnaire at the doctor's office. The question was how many pregnancies I have had. I answered 4. The next question was how many living children do I have. I answered 2. But at that moment you were already gone. I only had 1 living child. That hurts.
Haddie, you are so special to me. I can't tell you enough how sorry I am. You are forever and always in my heart.
Love,
Mama
No comments:
Post a Comment