Those People

Haddie Bo Bo,

We have officially become "Those People".  We have joined a club, not by choice, of parents who have lost a child.  We are now referred to as "those people" in conversations.  "Those people" have lost a child too.  We are all of a sudden linked to anyone who has experienced the same kind of loss as us.  Even in conversation with our pastor he said, "Down the road you will be able to help others."  We will be able to help the new members of the club learn the ropes of living (surviving) this life.

Even though we are part of this "team" that no one wants to be on we make the best team mates.  We know that the other person truly understands the pain you live with everyday.  You automatically have this bond because of the journey you are walking.  Most of the time all that needs to be said is, "I have lost a child too," and you automatically feel this sense of home and community with that person.  It is completely acceptable to breach a personal space bubble when learning of the commonality that you share and embrace in a long bear hug.  There was even a person that came to your funeral and said, "I know you don't know me, but I lost a child too and I felt like I needed to be here."  Normally I would think well that's weird.  But it's not and I understand that feeling.  You feel immediately some comfort in knowing this person gets it.  I don't have to explain it, or try to put words to it, or describe it, they just plan get it.  We have had strangers reach out to us purely because we now share this bond.  I have "friended" more people this week than I can count.

I don't know why we were chosen to live this life without you, Haddie.  It's like we keep winning the tragedy lottery.  Yay for us.  This sucks.  We have been shown so much love, support, and generosity.  We are truly blessed by amazing friends, family, faith family, work family, and even strangers.  But I would give it all up for one more morning cuddle, one more whiney night, one more toothy bite.


Your Aunt Rachel read your dedication letter at your funeral.  While she was preparing to read it she said to me, "I know you wrote this for Haddie, but it's almost like she is now writing it to you".  So I wanted to share it with you guys:

1 Peter 1:3-5

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you.”

Exodus 14:14

“The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still.”

To our bright-eyed Hadley Sue:

Never in a million years did we think we would have a bright blue-eyed baby girl!  If Mama didn’t pull you out herself we wouldn’t think you were ours.  In this short time that you have blessed our family you have brought us incredible happiness.   You have a sweet spirit that compliments your sister’s sassy spiciness in a way that only God could have planned.

As your parents we want to give you the world and the moon too!  Although no matter how hard we work we will probably fall short on that wish for you.  One thing that we can give you and will spend every day trying is a loving, God centered family.   We aren’t perfect and we will make mistakes. We can promise you a life of experiences, adventures, love, laughs, and sadly sometimes tears.

We have prayed for you since before we even knew there was going to be a “you”.  We will breath our last breaths praying for you.  Our first prayer for you is always that you will grow up falling in love with our Savior and choosing to fearlessly follow Him.  We hate the thought of you experiencing hurt, and if we could remove that from your life we would in a second.

 One thing I can guarantee you is that there will be moments in life that you will hurt.  You will suffer.  You will ask God why.  We pray that during those times you cling to the promises that God has given you.  Claim them.  No matter what your hurt is God’s plan is always sweeter than you could have imagined.  No matter what happens in your life remember that it’s your story. God gave it to you and He wants you to tell it! 

We love you sweet baby girl.  You and your sister are so very special to us.  Living life with you is our greatest joy.

So God gave us this task that seems impossible; living life without you here.  I have done everything in this last paragraph.  I have suffered, I have hurt, I have asked, screamed at God WHY? Is God's plan sweeter?  Do I believe that?  Some moments I do....others I struggle.  I think that is ok.  

 It is now our story, our club, our identity.  God wants us to tell it, share it, use it to help others, to be Jesus to them.  What does that look like?  How do we do that when this is still so raw for us?  As much as I don't want to be "those people" or part of this "club" I am.  Sometimes it hurts to think that this is the life that God has allowed for us.  I know He did not chose this hurt for us but He did allow it.  So here we sit...without you but LIVING THIS LIFE WITH YOU baby girl is my greatest joy.  I love you and I will honor your life for the rest of mine.  

You are always and forever in my heart.

Love, 

Mama