So yesterday I told you about how I wanted answers. Well what do you do when you get those answers and they make you feel like your world is crashing in around you? The answers you thought you wanted make you think thoughts you had never even had or considered. I now am quite certain of the reasons why you aren't here. I am now forever haunted by the thoughts of your last moments.
I thought I needed these answers, but maybe it was a mistake. Although I can't imagine not knowing. Even knowing the horrible thoughts I have been thinking all day I would still ask the same questions again. Knowing that there was a possibility that you still could be here is indescribable. It rips me inside out. I wish I could escape my thoughts.
After hearing this news your Daddy and I had a very hard time functioning today. We spent most of the day laying down and inside our heads. I didn't think I was up for visitors today but I reluctantly accepted the invitation of company and I am so glad I did. It allowed me to talk through my feelings about what I was told. It also gave me a break from going over and over every moment of that horrid day in my head. Even though I feel I am doing you an injustice by not thinking of you every moment, experiencing joy, or being distracted, I sometimes really need that break. I have this overwhelming sense of grief when I think about having to live the rest of my life knowing that you should have and could have been here. I feel like the news today was on same level of pain as the day I found out you were gone.
Haddie, I am so broken inside and I physically ache for you. Life seems so long and I used to look forward to watching your sister and you grow up and experience life together. Now I am fervently praying for Jesus to come back now. I know I have told you before but I no longer fear death. I am really doubting my ability to do this. I love your sister and your Daddy so much, but I find it really hard to be what they need right now. I almost feel like I need to completely forget about you because right now it hurts to much to remember you. I am sure I will feel differently but in this moment I can only seem to be consumed in thoughts of you or not at all. It is the worst kind of torture. There are times where I feel like I could never leave this house because this is where I remember you. Other times I want to leave everything behind and take your Daddy and your sister and move far away.
Eloise brings me joy. She makes me laugh, she is talking so much. Today we got a card in the mail for you and she sang you a "Haddie song". She asks about you and she still calls you "My Haddie"
Forever and always in my heart love,
mama
Our last picture together...
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