social anxiety

Haddie Bo Bo,

Yesterday we ventured out of the house (which we haven't done to often) to help a good friend install a lift for his boat.  Daddy was helping with the lift and I was walking around with your sister in the stroller watching.  The lift was supposed to be delivered at 10:30 but didn't show up until 11:30.  Then there were a few snags getting into the water.  So while the guys struggled with that the ladies went back to the house.  During this time I started to feel really anxious. This feeling kept building and building until all I could was sit on their couch fighting back my tears.  I wasn't too successful because minutes later I was bawling.  I was unable to really communicate, or interact with anyone around me.  Once the tears started coming I couldn't stop them.  Your Daddy walked in after what seemed like hours and immediately saw me and realized something was wrong.  He then asked the obvious question, "What's wrong?".  I'm sure it was just and immediate reaction to seeing me but the question itself brings many of it's own feelings. 

Why do you need to ask what's wrong?  Why don't you know? I don't even know what exactly is wrong I just know that I need to leave RIGHT NOW.  So that's what we did.  As I somehow stumbled my way out of my friend's house I apologized and said something like, "I'm sorry I just can't do this normal stuff."  These are our good friends from church who you loved you, Haddie.  So they were so gracious and kind, but I felt bad leaving like that.  It has nothing to do with who we are with it has everything to do with you not being here.   

 It's really hard to verbalize the feeling or why I was feeling that way.  I think that several things play into this feeling.  I start to feel very anxious when I am away from home for a longer period of time.  Home is the only place I really feel safe.  Safe from what you ask...I have no idea.  Trying to hold conversations with anyone is difficult.  Mama was always a very bubbly, talkative, people person.  So the fact that I am struggling to talk and interact is unnatural.  But you dying seems unnatural.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.   I know everyone understands that we are having a hard time or at least says they do.  But living with out you is our new identity, this feeling of something missing, it not being right, loss, will always be a part of us now.  I am sure someday we will be functioning normally at least on the outside.  I also feel guilty when I am not thinking of you.  Or if I am experiencing a moment of joy.  I feel like I am not honoring you.  I know that you are in heaven completely fulfilled and looking down on us wanting us to be happy.  I am just trying to survive this life without you which seems like an impossible task.  

Missing you.  You are forever in my heart Haddie Bo Bo.

Love,

Mama