Haddie and AJ ...

Not much has made sense since you have been gone.  Monday morning I got some news that just sent my world, that is already in a million pieces, spinning again.

About a year and a half ago I signed Chris and I up to do something called "Rooted" at church. I had been asking Chris for about 6 months if we could do it ,and time after time he said "Maybe".  For anyone who knows my husband "maybe" is a synonym for no.   Rooted is a very intense Bible study that is 10 weeks long.  You are placed with strangers, and for 10 weeks you share your deepest darkest struggles, your faith journey, and your life.  It makes you dig deep to find out who you really are and then you share that with perfect strangers.  I can't really imagine why Chris wouldn't want to do this???  So one day I came home and told Chris that I signed us up for Rooted, and we will just go check it out and we can always quit if we hate it.  The only way I was able to get him to even go the first night was one of the couples in our group was my best friends Emily and Aaron Brown.  We went to the first night and we sat around with a group of 16 couples introducing ourselves.  We have all since talked about our first impressions and had a good laugh.  But looking around at our group I was thinking, "There is no way I will relate to any of these people."

A year and a half later, I eat my words every day we are living life together.  I was pregnant with you, Haddie, when we started, I think I was only 12 weeks along.  They supported me through my pregnancy, threw me a surprise shower.  They brought us meals once you were born.  They came and loved on you all the time, and you became every one's baby.  At any get together we had you were constantly passed around despite your dislike for large groups.  Many of the teenagers in our group babysat you. You were so gracious when they put your diapers on backwards.  

Monday this week, Amy, one of the ladies that babysat you a lot, got devastating news.  She was pregnant ready to have her c-section that morning, so excited to meet Adrian Jay (AJ).  But instead, the night before she went into the hospital, not feeling good to be told AJ had no heartbeat.  I got the news Monday morning and my heart immediately dropped to my stomach.  How can this be happening again?  Less than a month after you went to be with Jesus.  My heart aches for Amy and I can't imagine how she  is feeling knowing she has to give birth to her son not the way she ever imagined.

God brought our group together, to walk through this storm alongside one another.  As much as I believe that sometimes my thoughts are still, "This is so cruel."  Yesterday I had asked Aaron to send me a copy of your message from your funeral.  I was reading it this morning and this part stuck out to me:

Some people may say that Haddie’s death at this time was God's plan.  

Don't you dare believe them.  

The Jesus we follow, the God who watches over us, doesn't choose the death of 

babies or the pain of their parents.  

Many, many things that happen in this world are not the perfect will of God. 

The truth that is, is that this world is broken and we are stuck between what God 

created and called good, and what he has promised us to bring to fulfillment.

And in the in-between we feel the tension. The world is a broken place.

It’s not suppose to be like this, 

and right now it’s absolutely appropriate to be angry.

Our anger at this brokenness proves that we are made in God’s image.

He hates death. He hates injustices.

And for those of us who follow Jesus, the pain and the anger gives us a compass for truth.

If this isn’t what it’s supposed to be, then
deep within us we know what truth and justice look like. And we long for it. We
are desperate for it. And we hope it.

I sat with Amy on that Monday and even though I am going through a similar experience I found 
myself not knowing what to say, or how to comfort her.   We talked about how we were jealous of 
each other.  She was jealous of me for being able to get to know you Haddie.  I was jealous of her 
because we was going to have AJ.  Do I really believe those words that Aaron 
spoke?  In my heart I think I do...but not so much in my head yet.  

I have been doing a lot of thinking about heaven and what it will be like.  Haddie I want and I long to 

hold you again, rub your head, and let you bite me.  I am longing for heaven and the moment we are 

reunited.  I am forever feeling like my heart is torn in two.  Half my my heart is in heaven with you 

and the other half is here with your Daddy and Elo.  

I know that you are up there completely fulfilled.  I truly believe that you know who we are and that you too are looking forward to the day when we can be together again.  Until that day baby keep 

playing with AJ and show him the ropes.  

Love you Baby,

Mama