It was surprisingly calm and healing...

Haddie Bo Bo,

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2015 was the last day I saw you alive.  They made me wait until Friday until we could see you.  I was super anxious and I didn't know what to expect.  We had asked one of Mama good friends to come with us to photograph our time with you.  We weren't sure if we wanted pictures, but we wanted the option of having them just in case.  Your Daddy and I sat alone in the car before entering the funeral home.  We cried, we prayed, and held each other close.  We walked into the funeral home hand in hand and our unwavering, support group was there waiting to greet us.  We all held hands in a circle and prayed.

Your Daddy and I talked to Dave the funeral director before we went into see you.  He prepared us for what you would look like. He was amazing through this whole process and I think it's safe to say we made a friend.  He treated you like you were his granddaughter and I am forever grateful.

We slowly walked around the accordion curtain to see you laying on a cot under a white sheet.  There are no words to describe seeing you laying there.  It breaks my heart to think of you alone and cold.   I whispered in your ear how much I love you.  You looked beautiful, just like you had fallen asleep. I painted your toenails and fingernails because you never let me do it. I think it tickled your toes so you were always a squirmy worm.

 We put you in your favorite jammies because Mama rarely got you dressed in anything else.

Then I was ready to hold you.  It had only been four days since I held you but it felt like an eternity.

You were so cold so we wrapped you up in your favorite blankets.  We also made some signs with your hand and foot prints.  I had made some at Christmas time for presents, but I forgot to make one for me.

 This time we got to spend with you was so special, and I will treasure it always.  I look at the photos often and they are beautiful.  Your Daddy and I both described this time as shockingly calm and extremely healing.  Having you in my arms was the best gift that day.  Because you were such a cuddle bug I was so used to always having you on my hip, a lot more than your sister that's for sure.  Eloise is miss independent and as soon as she could move she did not want to be held or as she saw it "held back".  But you loved to be held and I loved to hold you.  I wasn't worried about holding you too much.  Now I believe there is no such thing.  I really have no regrets with you, Haddie.  I was a little more lax about all of the parent "no no's" with you.  Yes I held you more, I let you sleep in my arms more.  You followed me around the house and ran into my feet with your scooter.  I didn't care what "bad habits" I was encouraging.   I loved every minute of being your Mama.  Every early morning, every middle of the night bottle, every bit.  I wish you were still here.

Your Daddy and I talk all the time how this doesn't make sense.   That life changes in a blink of an eye and it's hard to believe this is our life.   After everyone took a turn holding you we held you again.  We sang to you.  We tucked you in...and gave you all of your favorite things.

I love you sweet baby girl.  I know you are up in heaven biting Jesus and running over His feet.  I hope you are cuddling Him as much as you did me.  

Forever and Always Bo Bo,

Mama

Photos taken by Color Splash Studios