Being a Christ follower I feel like when you go through a traumatic event it's expected for you to have this strong "christian" outlook. Maybe not, but I know that I have thought that in the past of others I have seen go through a hard time, "So and So is such a strong Christian". There is an expectation for phrases to be used like, "God has a plan, God will use this for good, God will teach you something, Anything to further God's kingdom", etc. While all these things are true, I am no where close to feeling like saying any of those things or even thinking them. At times I am mad at God, my heart struggles to comprehend the "why" of this situation. But in that same breath I am finding comfort in God. I haven't been talking much with Him, but I know that he knows my heart. I know that He knows my prayers even when I can't put words to them. I do pray everyday, but not the prayers you would think. I can only form simple prayers of a few words. I pray, "God help me." I pray, "God wake me up from this nightmare." I pray, "God bring Haddie back." I know it sounds silly that I pray for God to bring you back, Haddie. But I do I pray it everyday.
There is a difference between believing something in your heart and believing it in your head. I do believe God is for my good in my heart. But right now my head is having a hard time believing that. I have found comfort in music, and so when I feel like I need to spend time with God, I go for a walk and listen to certain songs and cry. God knows.
Even though I know that we had your funeral it is still surreal to me. You never think that you will be attending your daughter's funeral. You never think that you will have to pick out the smallest casket ever for your baby girl. You shouldn't have to pick out an outfit to wear to say goodbye to your child. You never think you would be able to plan a funeral service for your daughter. You never think you might have to pick out an urn for your daughter's remains. None of these thoughts had ever cross my mind. Or if they did I never thought I would be able to do it. I still have a hard time believing I attended your funeral. Did I really walk myself into that church for your funeral service?
It really was beautiful, Haddie. Daddy had a hard time having any input on the service itself, but he was there during the meeting. It all kind of happened by chance. We were surrounded by our support team which consisted of Aunt Alisa, Aunt Emily and Uncle Aaron, Aunt Rachel, and Mark. Without these people we wouldn't have been able to function that week. They did everything for us from bringing us meals, buying me clothes to wear, talking me through all of my emotions, and just sitting there while we stared at a wall for hours at a time. There were lots of people behind the scenes that I didn't even know that were helping us, and we are forever grateful. Anyway back to planning your funeral, we sat in our living room and just talked about what we wanted and how we wanted to honor you, Haddie. We planned it all in about an hour and it was amazing how it came together.
Your funeral was on a Saturday, it was sunny and warm. A good friend came over in the morning and helped Mama get ready. We arrived at the church, walked in, and I was so surprised at how many people sent you flowers. All of your favorite things were there, your favorite blanket, walker, and toys. So many people came to support us. 
We sang beautiful songs, watched a slide show, and videos of you. I wanted people who didn't know you to get a glimpse of who you were. Your Aunt Alisa, Aunt Emily, and Aunt Rachel gave your Eulogy, and Uncle Aaron gave the message.
Your sister covered your casket with your favorite blanket she giggled and said, "My Haddie so funny." Then without being told she laid her head on your casket. We didn't let Eloise see you or even tell her you were inside. We thought that would be too confusing for her because we told her you were with Jesus.
After the service was over we held you again. Daddy and I sang you "Jesus loves me" and we read you "Good Night Moon". We rocked you and tucked you in for the last time.
We headed to a house on lake Michigan and had sometime together with our family and friends. We wrote you messages on white balloons and released them into the sky. For a day that I never thought I would have to live through, it was perfect.
You are loved, Haddie Bo Bo, and never forgotten.
Forever and Always Bo Bo Love,
Mama
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