Day 12

Haddie Bo Bo,

Day 12 without you.  I am still having a hard time believing you are not here.  It seems like an eternity since I have seen you but yet the days go so fast.  I hate going to bed because everyday that goes by is one day farther away from you.  Farther away from the last day I held you, the last time I saw your big blue eyes light up when you saw me in the morning.  Farther away from the last time you cuddled my neck.  

Everything is so different without you here.  I slept into until 9 am today.  I so miss you waking me up at 6:30 with your toothy grin ready to cuddle.  That was our time; our special time before anyone else was awake.  I was able to eat my whole dinner in one sitting tonight.  I so miss feeding you between each bite I took.  I would give anything to have you here with me.  

I am socially awkward now that you are gone.  I can no longer hold conversations with anyone.  Or is it that now that I am uninterested because nothing else seems to matter?  Or is it because I keep thinking how this picture is just not right with out you in it?  I know I am not the first parent to loose a child, and have to spend the rest of their life trying to figure out how to do this thing called life.  But I am now very much aware of the deep sorrow, pain, and sadness that seems to accompany every moment.  

Your sister Eloise misses you so much.  I grieve for the loss she doesn't know yet.  She knows you are not here.  When asked where you are she promptly responds, "In my tummy".  She means in her heart but somehow she thinks you are in her tummy.  It's amazing how a 2 1/2 year old can comfort her parents.  "It's ok Mama Haddie with Jesus."  She still plays with you even though your not here.  I will over here her saying, "Get the bubbles Haddie."  I feel so robbed.  Robbed of watching you and Elo grow up, fight over jeans, share a room, laugh, cry, and be best friends.  

I have never felt ready for Jesus to come back.  I would always say I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to see them grow up.  But now I am ready.  I want Jesus to come back today.  Right now!  I no longer fear death.  Heaven seems so far away.  

I struggle with the little day to day stuff.  Bedtime.  It's so strange to only put 1 kid to bed.  Every night I walk into your room, stand next to your crib, and stare at where you should be laying.  Why Haddie?  Why did you go to sleep?  Why didn't you wake up?  Why didn't you tell Mama you didn't feel good?  Why couldn't I have gotten a miracle?  Why couldn't they save you?  Why??? Why?? Why???  These are the questions I whispered in your ear the last day I saw you.  I love you Haddie Bo Bo.  Even though we only had you for 9 short months you changed our lives forever.  Your kind spirit I will always remember.  Your in my heart forever and always.  

Mama